eyes closed mouth open

[thefallofRome]

with a complete disregard
for the sky in my mouth, you kiss
and bite my bottom lip
with the sincerity of the hungry—

I can not feel the cold of your teeth:

the aching of transience has torn
that much asunder—the self
is too much; our skin too rough,

and the only pinpricks
of light I found
were of wet lips& rust,
distressed attraction&
the cyclical, frantic running
of time.

[barrie]

I cannot fault the first verse, a really strong opener -

with the sincerity of the hungry - A biting comment (sorry).

Another good line - I cannot feel the cold of your teeth: Is there a reason for separating can not? Just makes it look a little odd (to me anyway).

You ended the poem quite well but I found the use of &, a little distracting - What's wrong with just using one and, or maybe just plus?

'and the only pinpricks
of light I found
were of wet lips, rust,
distressed attraction
plus (and)
the cyclical, frantic running
of time.'

I think you need to work on the penultimate verse - torn asunder is too well used. The self is too much - All the preceding originality is compromised here - in fact, the verse doesn't seem to belong - like a casual afterthought to pad things out. I think the poem would be much better without it.

'with a complete disregard
for the sky in my mouth, you kiss
and bite my bottom lip
with the sincerity of the hungry—

I cannot feel the cold of your teeth:

and the only pinpricks
of light I found
were of wet lips, rust,
distressed attraction.
and
the cyclical, frantic running
of time.'

I like the poem a lot - well done.

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

I agree with Barrie about the quality of the first verse, but I struggled
to make sense of :

the aching of transience has torn
that much asunder—the self
is too much; our skin too rough

- torn asunder sounds rather corny to me, and it isn't clear what is
being torn. Are you splitting up, or is one of you going away, or is it a
comment on the impermanence of human existence?

An enjoyable read, atmospheric and bittersweet
Geoff
btw the ampersands have to go!

[Lu59]

I too thought the first verse was faultless - "with a complete disregard" is such an intriguing and original first line, and the verse as a whole is so very graphic I can almost feel it.
My interpretation of

the aching of transience has torn
that much asunder—the self
is too much; our skin too rough,

would be that it refers to the fact that the cold of the teeth, that they can no longer be felt; that, in effect, the once transient relationship has now become permanent, and that where, once, every sensation was felt, was grasping onto incase it did not last, it has now become more mundane, routine, even.
Perhaps time is running away with this relationship before one party is ready for it to, hence the almost-salvation of the "pinpricks of light".