death of a tailor's cutter

[Minstrel]

The eiderdown slips
Your dressing-gown drips
from the flesh of the sea.

And a thousand silver scissors
snip the flesh from out
the sea.

From the highway, a side road
scoops out the hill, loops
around the hill

Drops down beneath a still
brimming sea, a grey and
brimming sea.

Where you drove between hedges
to the cove rocky
and stove yourself in.

Drove between hedges
and banks, dank with winter
and stove yourself in.

[cameron]

Minst,

Intriguing little poem this. I really like the repetition but not in the final verse. "Stove yourself in " is a very powerful, colloquial ending and I would prefer if it stood on its own. (In fact, drop the last stanza and you have a near perfect piece.)

"cove rocky" sounds a bit weird to me - like you were trying to fit a rhyme but you obviously weren't.

Only other nit is the title - shouldn't it be "tailor's cutter"?

You seem to be developing a unique style with these haiku-like poems: little bit weird, little bit surreal. Carry on, soldier.

Good one.

Cam

[Minstrel]

Cheers Cameron.

The dreaded apostophe! sorted.

Am leaning toward agreement on last verse. Not entirely sure I want to get rid completely though. I do agree the 'stove yourself in' would probably stand better without repetion. Will consider an alternative verse or lines because I feel the whole thing might end rather abruptly otherwise.

Consciously trying to find a new voice and very much in transition. Its a long drawn out process.

Cheers again.

[David]

Minst, I like the last verse. There, that's unhelpful of me, isn't it.

Apart from that, though, I'm with Cam, right up to the uncertainty about "cove rocky", although that odd little phrase actually works really well in its context (especially spoken aloud, far better than "rocky cove").

The only reservation I have is about the first two verses - not the form, which is fine, but the sense eluded me. Drat that sense.

I liked this a lot.

Cheers

David

[camus]

Minst,

I keep returning to this one, I'm thinking the "tailor's cutter" is a natural metaphor of some kind, if not, I'll say "an intriguing poem", which it is, the repetiton really grows on you.

It's a poem of simple complexity, yeh that'll do.

Nice one.

[barrie]

I've just been going through the ones I missed in my forced absence - although I prefer to let the more recent poems have their turn, I had to comment on this. I think it's a bloody belter (how's that for a crit) - The first half is String Band the second could be Dylan.

'And a thousand silver scissors
snip the flesh from out
the sea.' -----------------a memorable verse.

I'm amazed that it's had only four comments.

As for the repetition of 'and stove yourself in.' I would say that it works.

because I feel the whole thing might end rather abruptly otherwise.

- That's suicide for you.

Cracking stuff - Barrie

[Minstrel]

Cheers David, Camus and Barrie.

David, in the first couple of verses I tried to catch that moment of confused waking, which the partner of a suicide might experience, every morning for a while, and the manic reality setting in.

'Tailor's cutter' Kris sounded like a cargo ship and is an actual proffesion as well(I know you know) and was thinking along those lines too.

Barrie, a 'bloody belter' will do for now.

[Lia]

'From the highway, a side road
scoops out the hill, loops
around the hill'

What an unusual poem, I'm fascinated. I don't have much more to say than that.. I must be in shock. How well the repetition works for it though, and a great end to match the rest of this unique poem..

'Drove between hedges
and banks, dank with winter
and stove yourself in.'

So glad this was bumped back up.

Lia

[donjuaninhell]

this poem dogs your steps. i like it, everything but the "cove rocky" and something about the first stanza, a sort of strange meter considering the rest of the poem. the forced pause between the first and second line is somehow troubling, considering how much the rest of the poem flows.

[thefallofRome]

m.—

I love the way you used repetition, in fact, I love the entire poem—other than the “cove rocky,” which has apparently been aforementioned, I had no problems with the piece.
In particular, the phrases “flesh of the sea” and “a side road scoops out the hill” were amazing.

Great job.

—r.

[emuse]

I don't think you can eliminate the final stanza without breaking the flow. This poem is magical because it contains the whoop and warf of the sea. For this reader fabric and sea are one and the sad tale is woven seamlessly throughout. Even the images are transposed,

The eiderdown slips
Your dressing-gown drips

beginning at once to toss the reader into its wave. It's a poem that begs to be read aloud almost like a sea shanty.

Wonderous work.

e

[Minstrel]

whoop and warf
weft and warp

Like it e

especially when combined as the fabric of the sea.

Cheers to the fallofRome/ Lia and thank's donjuaninhell.