Here as Children (redrafted, now explicit)

[thoke]

I feel old from being away
from home, now home is a car
packed full of family strangers.
Driving through the glen, my sister’s
teenage mind beats bright in time
to fresh air waves and points to hills
now shrunk, and gardens stripped of shrouds,
their secrets dangling out like
dropped bollocks. Yet, although my roots
have snapped and frayed, the wine like rain
will grow them back, afresh and
young in the sun of the fireplace.


original version

I feel old
from being away from
home, now home
in a car packed full
of family strangers,
driving through the glen,
my teenage sister’s mind
– it beats in time
to fresh air waves and points
to hills and gardens shrunk
that snap my shrubbery roots,
but fire and wine like weather
will grow them young again.

[the stranger]

I enjoyed this compact, claustrophobic poem.

You feel old because you've grown in terms of life experience? Perhaps seen and done things your family wouldn't necessarily understand?

You relate this quite coldy with the line:

of family strangers,

I feel your "teenage sister" is portraying your sense of loss, yet also your sense of detachment.

but fire and wine like weather
will grow them young again.

Loved these lines, but didn't really understand how they connected?

Nice one

TS

[thoke]

but fire and wine like weather
will grow them young again.

Loved these lines, but didn't really understand how they connected?

I'm anticipating a family holiday, and those lines are saying that although I can't appreciate the destination the same way I did as a child, there will be new aspects of the holiday that I can appreciate as an adult, and I can have new pleasures that approximate the pleasures I had as a child. The sense of loss and detachment can be cured if I get used to the fact that things have changed, and learn to approach stuff in new ways.

Thanks,

Ben

[Wabznasm]

I missed this the first time round.

Quite a restrained piece from you.

– it beats in time
to fresh air waves and points
to hills and gardens shrunk -

I reckon, if you want to keep the 'and points' bit, you need to ditch 'fresh'. The first half is a mouthful; 'and points' suggests on the first read, to me, nothing to do with the heart and instead the points of the hills. Without the 'fresh' (or 'to', perhaps) this could be alleviated.

that snap my shrubbery roots, - made me cringe a little this.

but fire and wine like weather
will grow them young again. - good ending.

To be honest, and this may seem a strange suggestion, but I'd like to see this in rhyme. The last two lines really give me a taste for something a bit more lyrical, since those two ending lines have dipping, easy rhythm. Or perhaps a metre.
Just a suggestion.

I've been meaning to write a family holidays thing for the last year or so. A civil war conceit. Probably won't now. This shows a more pleasant side to them.

Oh also, nice title. I like titles like that.

Dave

[thoke]

I reckon, if you want to keep the 'and points' bit, you need to ditch 'fresh'. The first half is a mouthful; 'and points' suggests on the first read, to me, nothing to do with the heart and instead the points of the hills. Without the 'fresh' (or 'to', perhaps) this could be alleviated.

Urm, hmm. I don't want it to be a mouthful or to suggest the points of hills, but I like having the word 'fresh' in there. Not sure what to do...

It's meant to be ambiguous. 'Fresh air' has an obvious meaning, and it's meant to make the countryside scenery more vivid. Then 'fresh air waves' refers to new music playing on the car radio which my younger sister likes and which I'm slightly too old to appreciate. And then ' my sister's mind... waves and points' is meant to be a metaphor for my sister's youthful enthusiasm pointing out my lack of youthful enthusiasm.

So it's meant to be read either as "it beats in time to fresh air, waves and points to hills etc." or "it beats in time to fresh air waves, and points to hills etc." Is that at all clear when you first read the poem? I guess not. I'll try and fix that, but I don't want to get rid of 'fresh' because I'd lose the first meaning and I'd lose the image of a mind waving and pointing.

that snap my shrubbery roots, - made me cringe a little this.

Yeah... me too. I struggled with the last few lines, I was trying so hard to draw some kind of conclusion. I'll rethink it.

To be honest, and this may seem a strange suggestion, but I'd like to see this in rhyme. The last two lines really give me a taste for something a bit more lyrical, since those two ending lines have dipping, easy rhythm. Or perhaps a metre.
Just a suggestion.

Yeah, I might give that a try.

Thanks for the help,

Ben

[thoke]

Urm, I've rewritten this and it's gone all weird. See what you think.

[oranggunung]

I like the ideas here and the investigation of family relationships. It is peculiar to see only one family member identified or alluded to. Perhaps that was the most important detail.

I've rewritten this and it's gone all weird

It doesn’t seem like you’ve satisfied yourself with the redraft. Perhaps there will be another. Here are some comments on the redraft, just in case.


I feel old from being away
from home, now home is a car

The repetition worries me. How about

I feel old, having been away.
Now home is a car ??


to fresh air waves and points to hills

could that be

with fresh air waves… ?


gardens stripped of shrouds

I’m missing the reference here, so I don’t know if the modifications are justified. Are the gardens important? Were they in the glen? The recent addition adds to my confusion, not clarification.


yet, although

This is effectively repetition, I’d get rid of ‘yet’.


my roots
have snapped and frayed,

Perhaps ‘cracked’ rather than the finality of ‘snapped’ ?


the wine like rain

what about “the rainlike wine” ?


young in the sun of the fireplace.

I’m not sure ‘young’ is the right word here. I know it links back to the introduction, but a word reflecting strength seems more in keeping here. To show, in effect, that ‘age’ wasn’t a problem, but misalignment was. The strong roots could reflect strengthened family ties.

Sun of the fireplace – the sentiment is fine, but the language too simple compared to some of the other images you have given us. This feels like an anticlimactic ending.


I don’t think the evolutionary process of this poem is over yet. Hopefully the ‘weirdness’ will give way to inspiration.

og

[barrie]

I much prefer the original version - It was more compact and to the point with nothing dangling out like dropped bollocks.

I particularly liked -

'but fire and wine like weather
will grow them young again.'

But I read it with a pause after wine -

'but fire and wine, like weather,
will grow them young again.'

Barrie

[beautifulloser]

Hi

Do you feel old because you have been away from your family's customs, perhaps experienced things your family would not approved of? I can totally relate to that, I feel like I was adopted sometimes!

I really love the lines:

although my roots
have snapped and frayed, the wine like rain
will grow them back

Really enjoyed reading, thanks.

[Elphin]

Only my second critique - so here goes.

It evoked for me the image of a young person who had left a rural home for the first time to go to college or to work and in coming home for a holiday felt newly "old".

In that context I don't understand the gardens stripped of shrouds. While secrets dangling out like dropped bollocks is an effective image it is out of step with rest of the imagery. I prefer the ending "fire and wine like weather will grow them young again" - it seemed like a combination of the old symbolised by the fire and the new symbolised by wine would combine to have a healing effect.

[donjuaninhell]

two things i didn't like were "family strangers" because it felt cliche, or at least not developed enough; it seems thrown out there without showing why he feels his family is a group of strangers: b/c they've changed so much since last seeing them, b/c they don't talk at all, b/c something happened, perhaps with his sister as you give her more space then the rest of the family. and, as a small correction, as Og said, get rid of yet although: maybe just though or yet, or yet, though all seem possible.

my favorite line was:

my sister’s
teenage mind beats bright in time

because i liked the internal rhyme of the i sounds in bright and time, though it seems like more should be said about either the sister or the family at large. or less: think of it like hemingway's sun also rises where the war is never mentioned (but once or twice) but is really everything (to simplify the book drastically).

thanks for the read

[Lia]

It’s a wonderful poem, Thoke. I wonder if you might consider returning to the original version and trying again with it? Just some thoughts..

I suggest that you lose the first ‘from’ and perhaps change the line-breaks a little..

'I feel old
being away from home,
now home is a car' (if you want ‘is’ then you might need a full-stop after ‘home’)

Would you consider changing this next part so that it flows more easily?..

‘– it beats in time
to fresh air waves and points’

Something like..

‘beating in time
to fresh air waves, pointing’ .. it also gives more emphasis on the mind pointing.

‘to hills and gardens now shrunk’ .. when I interpret this line, I think of autumn or winter, and how the greenery has disappeared, exposing the branches. If this is the case then I can imagine the following line and ‘snapping roots’ being caused by cold weather. I just wonder if you could swap ‘shrubbery’ for something like brushwood or perhaps a describing word like brittle or frozen..?

Like Barrie, I think the original ending is terrific. It carries strength and meaning that fits well with the poem.

Here’s a quick redraft just to show you my thoughts here..

I feel old
being away from home.
Now home is a car
packed full of family strangers,
driving through the glen,
my teenage sister’s mind
beating in time
to fresh air waves, pointing
to hills and gardens now shrunk
that snap my brushwood roots,
but fire and wine like weather
will grow them young again.

I hope something helps. It’s a fine poem, I do hope you continue with it.

Lia

[Dorothy Doyle Mienko]

I am having a bit of trouble seeing-
family strangers

some suggestions to take or toss-

Having been away from home,
I feel old, as if the people in my family
are strangers. I live in my car.

Driving through the glen, my sister’s
teenage mind beats time to fresh air;
it waves and points toward hills,

toward gardens stripped of shrouds.
Though my roots have snapped and frayed
wine like rain will grow them back.