express vision

[oranggunung]

Quickly.
Tell me.
What did you see?
Was it past so fast
all detail blurred?
Did the colours run?
Shadows stretch?

I can still sense
amplified distortions of your voice,
though vision has escaped me.
Tell me,
please,
as best you can.

[pseud]

This is an intriquing little poem. I wonder if the narrator is blind or just going blind? Guess it doesn't matter. I liked the double-meaning of the title - how vision is so fast-paced (at least in this case - are they on a high speed train or something?) yet vision is so hard to describe. This is a theme that could be expanded on. If I come up with other ideas I'll let you know, just thought I'd tell you I enjoyed the poem.

- Caleb

[barrie]

This put me in mind of one of those moments where you see something moving in your peripheral vision, then when you turn to see what it was - it's gone.
It seems to be about a relationship that's run it's course in what seems to be the blink of an eye, where memories are shaped by present emotions - The N seems to be seeking reassurance -

'Tell me,
please,
as best you can.'

That's how I read it - I suppose it could also be read as time dilation due to warp speeds, but I'm not going for that one.

I'm not too keen on the title - Express vision sounds too much like an opticians who can have your glasses ready in two hours.

I mentioned in the blink of an eye a couple of paragraphs ago - How about Augenblick, German for moment, or would that be deemed it too pretentious?

good one

Barrie

[beautifulloser]

I took this to mean an era of one's lifetime had passed, and restrospectively it seemed to come and go so quickly.

The Line:

I can still sense
amplified distortions of your voice

Suggests someone/thing is no longer present, like a loved one or girlfriend. I can understand the other posters comments but I felt something different.

I enjoyed it a lot, was not too keen on the title, but then if it is to be taken literally perhaps my interpretation is well off the mark, in which case Placid Vision might have been a better title!

Can you disambigufy the cocophony of interpretation?

Thanks for posting

BL

[Wabznasm]

Og,

I'm afraid this doesn't do too much for me.

First of all, echoing Barrie, I was expecting this to be about Specsavers. Only after reading do I get the whole 'express your vision' thing.

I'm reading this as a blind narrator asking for another's sight. But even then it's bleak.

It's too quick. I don't really have anything here to grip on to, to chew over. Because of that I've no empathy for the speaker. Plus, there's none of your voice there either. It just seems like a scene that could be described in numerous different ways - this doesn't have anything special, like a thought, or even a metaphor, that lets me associate it to a writer. I just get the sense of nicely arranged words depicting something that won't linger with me.

As said, there's some nice writing here:

Did the colours run?

amplified distortions of your voice,

All of the words used are proper, fit and are the sort that don't seem odd or out of place. And that's the problem. It's too normal for me. There's no exciting conceit or interesting simile. It's all too acceptable. As though the words used simply fit. It's too neat.

For some reason it makes me think of the Billy Bob Thornton film, 'The Man Who Wasn't there'. In it, someone goes for a music recital, tinkers away perfectly, doesn't make a mistake, but doesn't get the place in the music college. She is told she is a good player, but not an exciting one. The performance is too proper, restrained, and is too clean to have that artistic roughness that grips the listener. I think, to an extent (of course, I'm not saying this poem is that bad!), this doesn't jump beyond being well made.

I don't know if that critique helps Og, I was angling for a different approach. Sorry if it's a bit negative.

Dave

[emuse]

Og I'm thinking that the title is not doing enough work. If there is deeper meaning here or a clever twist to the idea a title could do what's necessary. I'm in agreement with Dave unless there is some type of runway set up which would make sense. I think that's the missing link.

e

[beautifulloser]

Excellent post Wabznasm I can see where you're coming from.

[twoleftfeet]

Og,

This makes perfect sense to me if you are being ditched over the phone
and it has come out of the blue.

Perhaps "distortions IN your voice" - if you are indeed on the phone.

Geoff

[oranggunung]

Thanks for the numerous comments.

This was written rather clinically so, as Wab points out, it seems to lack (a) soul. I think the problem stems from the title coming to mind before the poem itself. It is unfortunate that the title bears such similarity to a chain of opticians. That probably doesn’t do it any favours. I’m not doing too well with titles.

The original idea was about a blind narrator seeking assistance, but I avoided being explicit in an attempt at ambiguity. This appears to have had mixed results.

The narrator is experiencing a sense of loss. The change from demand (S1) to request (S2) is supposed to point to that. That loss appears to be easily interpreted as a past relationship, which is quite encouraging.

I’m not sure if this can be reworked to be more specifically about relationships. I like Geoff’s idea of being dumped on the phone. I’ll have to go away and think about it

All crits are gratefully received. I appreciate the time you're setting aside to think about my compositions.


og

[spraycan]

I really like the first stanza. It's very immediate -- something undisclosed has just happened. But the immediacy the reader feels is the desire and frustration of the narrator. This is reinforced by the language, nothing fancy to get in the way of the reader's being pulled along. Nice choice of verbs, too. From a reader's perspective this is a very promising, engaging opening.

You also get a great theme going: the disconnect between what we immediately perceive and the shortcomings of language to put that across to others. You accomplish great things by introducing such a complex idea with such economy of means.

The second stanza changes gears. The language has a slightly "higher" tone -- "amplified distortions" -- that's more poemy, for lack of a better word. Also, we get the past creeping in: "still sense"; "escaped me". Not so immediate anymore. And, if you'll permit the observation, I think this drifts from the thematic promise of stanza one.

Maybe you want the discontinuity as its own effect; I'm not sure. But if you're looking to rework it, I'd see if you could keep the forward momentum going in the second stanza. Keep the language simple and driven, keep the longing and frustration. But push the theme even further somehow. Not sure how, but then again, it's your poem after all!

[Dorothy Doyle Mienko]

hello,


I might find a new title
one that gives the reader a bit more insight into what
the poem is about and as well that way perhaps not repeat
the word vision in the poem

use it either in the poem or in the title
the poem is not long enough for as much repetition as
you have in it now

I see this-

I can sense the amplified
distortions in your voice.

Did it pass quickly, was the detail blurred,
did its colours run? Vision has escaped me.
Can you say?