Asphalt forms the black-top on which I play,
And blood-red proceeds from my legs
When knees I scrape.
Tight kinks crown my head like saintly halos
As I stroll amongst dense brick
Of earthly ghettos.
My shape is lean and I seem as glistening bronze
When seen to perspire at sport
Under a summer's sun.
The Best Season
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
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Incusblack
Before I say anything, I should say “welcome to the forum”. I don’t recall seeing any of your posts until today.
This is an interesting presentation of rhyming couplets. I appreciate the use of the weak rhymes. Unfortunately, the presentation style appears to have had a dramatic (and deleterious) effect on the telling of the story.
And blood-red proceeds from my legs
I know what this is trying to say, but the language is tortured, like a policeman giving evidence in a court room.
When knees I scrape.
Inversions are something I was guilty of on arrival. They are frowned upon as they do not reflect modern speech. This may seem a little restrictive, but it doesn’t stop those people who adhere to their rejection from creating masterful work.
My shape is lean and I seem as glistening bronze
When seen to perspire at sport
Setting aside any considerations of immodesty, this sentence is, again, very difficult to read. The internal rhymes lean/seem/seen tripped me as I read, rather than entertaining, as, I expect, they were intended to. The second of these two lines bends the words (unwillingly to my eye and ear) to your purpose without great care.
One small change that might improve the reading:
As I stroll amongst the dense brick
Of earthly ghettos.
or
As I stroll amongst dense brick
In earthly ghettos.
The narration of the story appears to change narrators between S1 and S3. Scraping of knees in play reminds me of early teenagers (and younger), while glistening bronze bodies reminds me of later teenagers (and older). I can’t reconcile that change in narration.
I’m not keen on this, as you may have guessed.
og
Before I say anything, I should say “welcome to the forum”. I don’t recall seeing any of your posts until today.
This is an interesting presentation of rhyming couplets. I appreciate the use of the weak rhymes. Unfortunately, the presentation style appears to have had a dramatic (and deleterious) effect on the telling of the story.
And blood-red proceeds from my legs
I know what this is trying to say, but the language is tortured, like a policeman giving evidence in a court room.
When knees I scrape.
Inversions are something I was guilty of on arrival. They are frowned upon as they do not reflect modern speech. This may seem a little restrictive, but it doesn’t stop those people who adhere to their rejection from creating masterful work.
My shape is lean and I seem as glistening bronze
When seen to perspire at sport
Setting aside any considerations of immodesty, this sentence is, again, very difficult to read. The internal rhymes lean/seem/seen tripped me as I read, rather than entertaining, as, I expect, they were intended to. The second of these two lines bends the words (unwillingly to my eye and ear) to your purpose without great care.
One small change that might improve the reading:
As I stroll amongst the dense brick
Of earthly ghettos.
or
As I stroll amongst dense brick
In earthly ghettos.
The narration of the story appears to change narrators between S1 and S3. Scraping of knees in play reminds me of early teenagers (and younger), while glistening bronze bodies reminds me of later teenagers (and older). I can’t reconcile that change in narration.
I’m not keen on this, as you may have guessed.
og
Welcome to the forum Inc (there you go, there's my abbreviation!),
That was Og by the way. He's probably the best critic we have. And I agree with most of what he has to say, in particular:
Inversions are something I was guilty of on arrival. They are frowned upon as they do not reflect modern speech. - inversions are fine. They work in archaisms, sure. But when a poem like this is dealing with modern pictures of our time, inversions are awkward. If this poem was about you manning a boat on an epic voyage across 'tempestuous' seas to before-colonised America, then I wouldn't mind the inversion. But it doesn't work in this context.
Asphalt forms the black-top on which I play,
'on which I play' strikes me as forced. Like you've strung out the sentence, wanting to get that in. How about something like
'Asphalt forms/layer/builds over the black top where I play'
I like how the asphalt image is partially complete or happening though.
blood-red is usually a term to describe something else. This structure seems an attempt to use blood as a simile for something else. 'blood-red candles', etc. If it's blood, it's red. Still, I can sort of see the breathless structure you want; keeping the same formulation of words, would 'blood (red)' work? I'm still not a massive supporter of the image, but that's a little better for me.
What are the tight kinks? How do they crown your head? Gives the impression the narrator is static, yet he is obviously active in sport. Is stroll too lackadaisical for the pace of the previous and proceeding stanzas?
The sense is a bit mad, but I can follow the last stanza. I can't say I support 'when seen to perspire at sport', but I don't want to anvil your style into something dull and familiar.
An interesting first post here. Keep writing - I await your next submission.
Dave
That was Og by the way. He's probably the best critic we have. And I agree with most of what he has to say, in particular:
Inversions are something I was guilty of on arrival. They are frowned upon as they do not reflect modern speech. - inversions are fine. They work in archaisms, sure. But when a poem like this is dealing with modern pictures of our time, inversions are awkward. If this poem was about you manning a boat on an epic voyage across 'tempestuous' seas to before-colonised America, then I wouldn't mind the inversion. But it doesn't work in this context.
Asphalt forms the black-top on which I play,
'on which I play' strikes me as forced. Like you've strung out the sentence, wanting to get that in. How about something like
'Asphalt forms/layer/builds over the black top where I play'
I like how the asphalt image is partially complete or happening though.
blood-red is usually a term to describe something else. This structure seems an attempt to use blood as a simile for something else. 'blood-red candles', etc. If it's blood, it's red. Still, I can sort of see the breathless structure you want; keeping the same formulation of words, would 'blood (red)' work? I'm still not a massive supporter of the image, but that's a little better for me.
What are the tight kinks? How do they crown your head? Gives the impression the narrator is static, yet he is obviously active in sport. Is stroll too lackadaisical for the pace of the previous and proceeding stanzas?
The sense is a bit mad, but I can follow the last stanza. I can't say I support 'when seen to perspire at sport', but I don't want to anvil your style into something dull and familiar.
An interesting first post here. Keep writing - I await your next submission.
Dave
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Incusblack
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2007 5:05 pm
- Location: B'ham, AL, USA
I do intend to reply. I just used up all my spare time in another discussion. Thanks for the feedback though. Inc.
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Dorothy Doyle Mienko
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2007 8:34 pm
- Location: USA
This is my first post here I have been reading all the poems
and enjoying them. This is a lovely forum, I especially enjoyed
searching the home page's list of poet graves.
about the poem:
it appears to me to be wandering a bit unclearly.
I like the opening line but think it could be more written as less.
for instance, to say simply:
The blacktop is my playground.
the image here- blood-red has been done to death.
maybe look for a fresher way to show how your scraped knee bleeds?
and then too, it has already been mentioned, and for me as well-
a poem works best if it is written exactly as one speaks
if you revise I hope that my comments help a bit
~D~
and enjoying them. This is a lovely forum, I especially enjoyed
searching the home page's list of poet graves.
about the poem:
it appears to me to be wandering a bit unclearly.
I like the opening line but think it could be more written as less.
for instance, to say simply:
The blacktop is my playground.
the image here- blood-red has been done to death.
maybe look for a fresher way to show how your scraped knee bleeds?
and then too, it has already been mentioned, and for me as well-
a poem works best if it is written exactly as one speaks
if you revise I hope that my comments help a bit
~D~
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Incusblack
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2007 5:05 pm
- Location: B'ham, AL, USA
Welcome D. I am new to the forum as well. Thank everyone for the criticism. Before I answer specific points made I'd like to briefly explain the concept behind the poem. I used to teach at an inner city high school and the speaker of this work is a black American inner city youth. The poem was written to the cadence of a typical rap song and is much better spoken.
Anyway, the tight kinks that crown his head are meant to describe the way he wears his hair. "blood-red" is not strictly correct in its context but that was kind of the point.
Inversion may not sound natural but I don't agree that natural is always a chief aim, but it should at least not be cumbersome so I will think on that more.
"The blacktop is my playground is boring, I think, and I am attached to the intro as it is.
As for immodesty in the self-descript, the speaker is anything but modest. Bravado defines him.
What of the title, though? Does it fit? Does my explanation add anything to a rereading? Inc.
Anyway, the tight kinks that crown his head are meant to describe the way he wears his hair. "blood-red" is not strictly correct in its context but that was kind of the point.
Inversion may not sound natural but I don't agree that natural is always a chief aim, but it should at least not be cumbersome so I will think on that more.
"The blacktop is my playground is boring, I think, and I am attached to the intro as it is.
As for immodesty in the self-descript, the speaker is anything but modest. Bravado defines him.
What of the title, though? Does it fit? Does my explanation add anything to a rereading? Inc.
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Inc
the imagery all pointed to the inner city. Unfortunately, the language doesn't seem to suit that setting. It feels a little like Julius Caesar in modern dress.
og
the imagery all pointed to the inner city. Unfortunately, the language doesn't seem to suit that setting. It feels a little like Julius Caesar in modern dress.
og
Sorry to be so frivolous - I like the poem and I'll try to get back to it, but I'm being hounded into the garden by my better half and overseer at the moment, while the sun is shining - but this appears to be the first ever appearance of "deleterious" on this site, so well done og!
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Incusblack
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2007 5:05 pm
- Location: B'ham, AL, USA
I agree totally with that. I can't help but imagine this kid moving in slow motion with a classical orchestra playing exultant music in the background like some strange Spike Lee movie. Sorry, I can't shake the discordant image. Inc.oranggunung wrote:Inc
the imagery all pointed to the inner city. Unfortunately, the language doesn't seem to suit that setting. It feels a little like Julius Caesar in modern dress.
og
I found that a very helpful explanation, and it makes the poem come alive more, which therefore makes me think you need to bring a little of that into the poem itself. Can do?I agree totally with that. I can't help but imagine this kid moving in slow motion with a classical orchestra playing exultant music in the background like some strange Spike Lee movie. Sorry, I can't shake the discordant image. Inc.
Just on a couple of other things ...
Tight kinks crown my head like saintly halos is a nice line, but the proximity of "kinks" and "crown" can give you (gave me) momentarily the suspicion that "kinks" is a typo for "kings", but then what are "tight kings" (and why, and in what sense, are they tight?)?
And earthly ghettos suggests that you're drawing some kind of distinction, as opposed to (say) heavenly ghettos, or unearthly ghettos, both of which are nice ideas, but probably not what you're getting at.
Tricky stuff, isn't it! Still, you got us all thinking and typing, so you've got something going on here.
Welcome to the forum.
David