Madman's Wisp (edited)

[barrie]

Hiding in brainfolds,
that small bag of screams
groans open in dreams
and each still moment.
Fingers reach through skullbones,
feel for moans, freeing old echoes
cocooned in neurons,
cobwebbed moths who’ve lost the moon.
A madman’s wisp is loose in here,
flitting wings in each dark room
sweep the covering dust of years,
disturbing fears that faith had laid.


Original Ending

shift the covering dust of years,
sweeping shapes of hidden fears.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Conceptually brilliant-I liked the image of moths (I have a slight phobia of moths, they make my skin crawl) who have lost direction, flitting up old dust and sweeping their wings over forgotten things. I thought cobwebbed moths a mouth-full but still a telling image.
It seemed slightly detached until you get to the part, "A madman’s wisp is loose in here." and then you get the sense that the speaker is the madman. Not saying you are a madman!
The only real crit was the rhyming. Not sure I picked up any one pattern. No problem with that in itself but when something starts to rhyme my brain wants it to be in order. I would leave out the 'like' cobwebbed...Just 'cobwebbed' would work as well.

Cheers,
Kimberly

[oranggunung]

Barrie

An eerily atmospheric piece. The transition from internal to external worked well for me.

Assorted nits below.

The first three lines set the scene well, but the fourth line feels careless. It rounds off the idea, but somehow halts the flow that the dreams/screams has started. The focus changes, and it feels like having to start again. This may be my old-fashioned reading style, but it looks like Kim got a little thrown by the stop/starts too.

Skullbones is an interesting variation on skulls. I wonder if a crania/mania rhyme might have worked?

‘Echoes’ - a synonym for memories, I expect, but it just doesn’t feel right.


like cobwebbed moths who’ve lost the moon.

It’s good to see the spiders featuring, even if only peripherally.

I can’t help feeling the punctuation in the last four lines as gone askew. As I read it, there shouldn’t be a comma after ‘in each dark room’.

Sweeping shapes – I’m not sure I understand what’s being said here. Sweeping is such an ambiguous word, there are numerous different ways of reading it. Perhaps the reason you chose it.
Could the shapes be revealed by the movement of the dust? At the moment, I see the dust itself as forming the sweeping shapes.

A very engaging read. This conjured up all sorts of weird and wonderful images.


og

[donjuaninhell]

it seems unfinished to me, as though this is an introduction to a much longer work.

you might try longer lines, something like


Hiding in brainfolds, that small bag of screams groans open in dreams and each still moment.
Fingers reach through skullbones, feel for moans, freeing old echoes cocooned in neurons,
like cobwebbed moths who’ve lost the moon.

A madman’s wisp is loose in here, flitting wings in each dark room,
shift[ing?] the covering dust of years, sweeping shapes of hidden fears.

anyway, brilliant imagery.

[twoleftfeet]

"Like cobwebbed moths who've lost the moon"
-a surreal (dare I say insane ?) image of insanity?

This is a great read - the only problem I have is with the last two lines.
First of all "shift" - this might be better as shifts or as already suggested shifting .
Second, I can see the broom image in shift/sweep and also sweeping as in moving,shadowy shapes) but it took me a
while to sort it out (Of course I could be barking mad up the wrong moon)
I actually think it might be clearer with repetition, which I would not normally advocate:
sweeps the covering dust of years,
sweeping shapes of hidden fears

Geoff



Ditch the moths or else, Webhead

The Black Widow Gang

[barrie]

Thanks Kim - Yes I agree, like will go.

og - I used echoes for the sonics - old echoes cocooned - I liked the sounds.

You're right about the comma, poor proof reading - thanks.

Yes, I used sweeping because it can have more than one meaning here. Doesn't it work too well? (or not at all?)

dj - Not sure about longer lines - I'll have to ponder that one.

re shift(ing) - I had shifting originally, but when I came to read it through there seemed to be too many participles, so I changed it - but maybe you're right.

Geoff - I'm not to keen on repetition, but I can see what you mean - Is it really too obscure - even for a madman? ( I mean the N, of course)

Thanks all

Barrie

[emuse]

Barrie my favorite line: cobwebbed moths who’ve lost the moon.

Right up there in the lyrical line of the month. I find good poetry seminal. This line makes me want to write a poem with that line as a jumping off point.

I like the concept and the rhyme is fine except the years/fears which just bounces me like a rubber ball.

Last nit would be the title. Since you already have this in the poem, I'd change it to something other than Madman's Wisp. Let the reader discover that it is about a madman. That's my vote. Good writing!

e

[barrie]

Thanks e

I used Madman's Wisp as a title because I couldn't think of anything else, besides, it has a nice ring to it. How about Headcase - ?

I like the concept and the rhyme is fine except the years/fears which just bounces me like a rubber ball.

What don't you like about the rhyming of years with fears? Could it be the old pronunciation question, or is it something else?

cheers

Barrie

Feel free to write a poem on cobwebbed moths who’ve lost the moon. Would be interesting.

BTW - What's your new aviator supposed to be? I can't make it out.

[emuse]

Hi Barrie,

Now you've got me pronouncing years/fears aloud in an American and a British accent. In American English it sounds yeers/feers with a long e accent. I'm not a fan when a rhyme announces itself. I guess I like subtle rhyme when I don't even notice it. So that particular rhyme jumped up and bit me but hey I'm not the best audience for rhyme and I'll admit it.

The avatar is an abstract of Zao Wu-Ki. My recent poem about him got me craving his art.

I'll be thinking about the moon moths....

e

[David]

Barrie, seeing this is you, and knowing you know the sort of things that you know, what are we to make of this:

Perhaps the most dreaded of all the necromantic powers attributed to [the Irish Druids] was that of producing madness. In the pagan ages, and down far into Christian times, madness was believed to be often brought on by malignant magical agency, usually the work of some druid. For this purpose the druid prepared a "madman's wisp," that is, a little wisp of straw or grass, into which he pronounced some horrible incantations, and, watching his opportunity, flung it into the face of his victim, who at once became insane or idiotic.

I've never come across this phrase before, bit it's a really startling image - and yet, it doesn't seem (so far as I can see) to be the "secret meaning" of the poem. Does it have some bearing?

Spooky stuff. (I'm not keen on the last two rhymes either. Some sort of anti-Christmas carol echo ... "hopes and fears of all the years"?)

Cheers

David

[barrie]

Thanks e, David - I’ve been trying to think of an alternative ending, unsuccessfully so far. Suggestions welcome.

Re Madman’s Wisp: David, originally it had two verses - The first verse was a description of the act of cursing by a Welsh minstrel poet - these were the poets who carried on druidic tradition when the old religion was outlawed - They seem to have been the true muse poets who never forgot the old Celtic tales, even though it was under the guise of Christianity. The court poets were reduced to composing very strict verse forms in praise of either their aristocratic patron, or all aspects of the Christian church - The Madman’s Wisp was definitely off limits.
The Irish poet’s seem to have been quite free with their Wisps if they were slighted in any way. They would also utter verses that could turn a person’s bowels to water, a lighter form of punishment.
I wasn’t very happy with the first verse, so I abandoned it. I might go back and try to sort it out - maybe when I find a different ending.

Cheers

Barrie

[Lia]

Barrie,

I had a little bit of trouble with ‘shift’ too. Are you saying..

‘Flitting wings, in each dark room, shift the covering dust of years,’ ?

If you are, then it might need a full-stop after ‘here’ in the previous line. Or maybe I’ve miss interpreted and it’s just a different punc. thing?

This is stunning writing isn’t it?..

‘Fingers reach through skullbones,
feel for moans, freeing old echoes
cocooned in neurons,
cobwebbed moths who’ve lost the moon.
A madman’s wisp is loose in here,
flitting wings in each dark room’

You really have translated the idea of madness brilliantly. I’ll have to be argumentative and say that I like the title.

With those last two lines, is there a possibility that the syllable count could be altered so it’s not such a perfect rhyme, but more disjointed? Like..

‘shift the covering dust of years,
disturbing fears.’

.. well not that perhaps, but some sort of timing like that? Just thoughts.

Regardless, it’s a very good poem.

Lia

BTW, that info’s fascinating.. glad you both put it up.

[Wabznasm]

Excitingly strange, Barrie.

I don't want to touch the first 10 lines because everyone else has worked well on them. Plus, I think any massive involvement would lose the lovely style.

As for the ending?

Here's one of probably many suggestions:

A madman’s wisp is loose in here,
flitting wings in each dark room
shift the covering dust of years,
a tightly mad face grins and leers.

or

a tight black shadow grins and leers.

and so forth.

Dave

P.S - After reading it through again, this is almost perverse in its claustrophobia. Lovely.

[barrie]

Thanks Lia, Dave.

I think I've managed to sort out the ending - I've changed shift for sweep, and used Lia's suggestion -disturbing fears, to come up with -

sweep the covering dust of years
disturbing fears that faith had laid

With a pun on laid - exorcised.

Thanks everyone for all your help -

Barrie