fresh peaches

[donjuaninhell]

in Palisade you can buy fresh peaches by the box,
and with those fresh peaches you can bake a pie, or cobbler,
or use them to make a fine spiced jam to put on your toast.

but consider if you will exactly one washed peach,

its wet hairs brushing your lips,
its soft fragrance,
the crisp crunch and
satisfying pull
as each bite
rushes to meet your tongue.

[barrie]

I'm afraid it didn't do much for me, dj. The first three lines reminded me of a tourist guide.

but consider if you will exactly one washed peach, - Could be Sherlock Holmes explaining how he solved a crime.

The last verse was too much like an M&S food advert. Too many cliches - brushing your lips; soft fragrance; crisp crunch; rushes to meet your tongue.

Sorry to come across so negative, but that's how I read it - Others may have a different opinion.

Much preferred your Fly one.

cheers

Barrie

[emuse]

DJ,

I didn't have the trouble biting in as Barrie did. I saw this as a sensual statement on an ordinary peach. What might smooth out some of the bumps noted would be to cut down on the verbage and enjamb this to match the flow of the final stanza. Consider:

in Palisade you can buy
fresh peaches by the box,
[and with those fresh peaches]
you can bake a pie, or cobbler,
or use them to make (how about a more exciting verb?) a fine spiced jam [to put on your toast].
but consider if you will exactly
one washed peach,
its wet hairs brushing your lips,
its soft fragrance,
the crisp crunch and
satisfying pull (I like this bit)
as each bite
rushes to meet your tongue.

Maybe it's my nasty mind but I thought of sex and so....it made the read a bit uh jucier!



e

[oranggunung]

DJ

A paean of praise for the peach.
Like Barrie, I had great difficulty with the lonely line


but consider if you will exactly one washed peach,

Why such tortured language?


The sensual description of the consumption of a single fruit is well done imo, but the story seems to finish rather abruptly. Was there nothing more to say? Were there no further praises to heap?

Perhaps as any peach should, it leaves me wanting more


og

[donjuaninhell]

thanks to all, especially barrie for not caring too much for this poem. the first three lines are a childhoodish memory of getting peaches off of I-70 on my way back to denver from grand junction, and yes reads a bit like a tourist add. i agree, the second stanza is a bit wordy, but i like the juxtaposition and the phrase exactly one washed peach. other than that i was sort of at a loss of how to segue from the first bit into the last part, and i tried to do it with the length of the lines, trying for a sort of prose feel in the beginning and then working towards the experience if you will of eating a peach. to emuse, yes, i thought about sex too when i was writing it but tried to avoid incorporating it because i wanted to capture eating a simple peach and nothing more. i think a good place to start would be to rethink the first stanza, work from a less touristy vibe and look at it as maybe a recipe for something, like a peach cobbler recipe or something, and then talk about just one peach, or a list of things to make with peaches. i don't know. anyway, thanks again.

[figure eight]

I have to agree with barrie about the tourist guide start to this.

There are lines I like. The last three are good. I was a little confused about the crisp crunch part though, as I don't associate that with peaches (although it's been a while since I had one so maybe they do crunch as the skin breaks?)

The poem does make me really want a peach now though...