2-D (second & third version (road))

[barrie]

V3

road

far wider
than
it should have been

flat
to the extreme
flat head
flat gut
tyre tanned
leathery
toad

far wider
than
it should have been

----------------
V2

the toad
was far wider
than
it should have been

flat
to the extreme
flat head
flat gut
tyre tanned
leathery toad

the road
was far wider
than
it should have been
........................
V1

the toad
was far wider
than
it should have been
flat
to the extreme
flat head
flat gut
tyre tanned
leathery toad
the road
was far wider
than
it should have been

[Lubesh]

That was differnt and enjoyable, pity you couldn't have add 'splat' in there!

[Wabznasm]

Well, first of all Barrie I have to say this is very 'you'.

Reminds me quite a bit of Tuning Worms - is this, like that, an oldie?

But I have to admit that this is a bit directionless for my tastes. The point of it eludes me. I mean, I can see how you're making a connection with the road and letting the reader assume lots of things because of the link (which paints quite a bleak picture of the road), but I can't quite latch on to the whole poem. It's a good piece of writing, but I'm struggling to see what you're trying to do with it. Please inform me if I've missed the point.

I love these three lines

tyre tanned
leathery toad
the road ,

and the enjambment is perfect, but the wider 'whole' is too soft for me to hear.

Dave

[barrie]

Thanks Lubesh - The splat’s all dried up now.

Dave - No, it’s not an oldie, this is one of the three quickies, the one I wrote after barnacle - There’s no real meaning to it - just an observation. I must have seen dozens, so it was just something to write down. I told you there were another two to come - only one left now. (Thank God!, did I hear?)

Cheers

Badger

Did you not 'get' the title - or was it too obscure? I was going to call it 2-D Toadie, but chickened out.

[Wabznasm]

Yeah the title just about came to me. At first I thought this had something to do with a cartoon version of Wind in the Willows, but now I just think dead frog.

Dave

[barrie]

but now I just think dead frog.

? - It's about a toad and a road. Now here's a thought - frog and toad, rhyming slang for road - It's about all three!

A toad has short hind legs for walking - If it had been a frog and hopped.....well, who knows?

David Attenborough.

[emuse]

I'd like to see the poems posted as a kind of triptych so we can see the relationships and the work as a whole.

I see this as laid back frog philosophy and the message--it's all in the point of view.

Another title, Toad in the Hood

e

[barrie]

e - You may be right about the triptych (sounds Welsh not Greek, doesn't it?). I'll put it up a in three verse version as well.
I'll keep 2-D as the title, as well as being the state of the deceased, it sounds a little like toadie (OK- If you say it fast!)

Toad in the Hood?

thanks

Barrie.

[emuse]

Just being cheek E. Does "hood" translate in British slang? In American English "hood" is the slang word for neighborhood. Like the film Boyz in the Hood.

[J.R.Pearson]

Barrie i liked this lil romp thru toad reality...the play on words with tyre/tire was good...connections
at the end were made superbly. Good stuff as usual.


JR

[barrie]

e - Now I know what what Boyz in the Hood means. It isn’t used over here as slang for neighbourhood, nowhere I’ve ever lived anyway - I suppose slang for neighbourhood is round 'ere.

Thanks a lot Jayarp - I suppose it’s a story that’s been ‘toad’ before.

cheers both

Barrie

[David]

You're still doing the sort of thing I like, Barrie - very funny, and at some deep level it's oddly satisfying that the first and last stanzas are only a letter apart.

If any part of it still needs work - and I'm not sure that it does - it might be the middle section. You think?

Good one anyway.

Cheers

David

[barrie]

Thanks David - I've been looking at the middle bit, but apart from swapping flat things about, I'm stuck - like a toad on a road.
Maybe I'll do a follow up with Don't step on my well-used old toad leather shoes - Maybe not!

cheers

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Barrie,

This reminds of the Trucking Song from NOT THE 9 O'CLOCK NEWS where Rowan Atkinson is chalking up hedgehog
"kills" on the side of his truck as hes's drivin along
(Not forgetting Terry Gilliam's Foot of God..)

Kids (of all ages) will love this.

The "leathery toad" line doesn't work for me, though, asis . Howzabout a quick shuffle along these lines?

the road
was far wider
than
it should have been

flat
to the extreme
flat head
flat gut
tyre tanned
leathery

the toad
was far wider
than
it should have been

Geoff

[barrie]

Good idea Geoff - Now you've gone and unsettled me! I like the idea of starting off with a wide road, but I don't like the definite article following leathery. To make it sound right (for me), it would have to read -

tyre tanned
leathery

toad
was far wider
than
it should have been - Which upsets the symmetry. Or forget the symmetry and combine the second and last verse.

I just like the sounds in tyre tanned leathery toad

I'll go out and find a flatty to study.

cheers Geoff

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Good point, Barrie.

I'll annoy you even more by suggesting a title change to give you the symmetry:

Road
------

Far wider
than
it should have been

flat
to the extreme
flat head
flat gut
tyre tanned
leathery toad

far wider
than
it should have been

Geoff

[barrie]

Yes, I like that version - now I really am in two minds.

I wish I'd written one about a bloody fish now.....

I'm going away now to have a word with myself.


I'm in edit mode now - I've had a word with myself and decided to put it up.