Walking with Ambulances

[twoleftfeet]

Rat-run drivers dodging main road
snarl-ups gun their dog's breath
engines to asphyxiate my lemming
-soled feet to the kerb

At last the roulette lights
land on red, so I dervish
the road, whirling eyes alert for
Ladas.


Immobile motors parked up, half-arsed,
partly on the pavement in tight-squeeze
white-paint bays , neatly litter the
side streets, funnel me inexorably
towards the bus stop where
a big one with a penchant for
Oysters is devouring a woman,
her child and its pram.


Safely iron-clad I am publically
transported to the carefree car-free
Mall where logo-laden, shopaholic
sheep are grazing in-store,
happy to be fleeced in exchange
for that look-at-me look, that
at-a-glance status symbol.


Even here my arse-eyes are on overtime:
cautious of crash-test grannies
in souped-up Sinclair C5's,
unlicensed to bump.
Struck suddenly by a
thought, I amble into a bookstore,
looking for etymological insights.

[barrie]

I've said this before and I'll say it again - This needs recording. It reads well, but it sounds much better. I recorded it as soon as I read it and played it back - reading alone just doesn't do it justice. It needs to read in that West Eym accent of yours.

At last the roulette lights
land on red, so I dervish
the road, whirling eyes alert for
Ladas.

One nit - half-assed - half-arsed, surely.

One suggestion -

Even here my arse-eyes are on overtime:
what with crash-test grannies

to

Even here my arse-eyes are on overtime,
cautious of crash-test grannies

A veritable verbal jacuzzi - Start running the water (record it).

Great stuff.

Barrie

[Elphin]

After reading barrie's note I read it aloud and it came alive- "crash test grannies" wonderful.

The ending is great - the ambling into a bookshop put into context all the other frenetic activity.

E

[camus]

Ha ha,

Oh the sanctuary of the bookshop!

"arse-eyes" I know what my "arse-eyes" are, they just can't help themselves, but I didn't undertand the context of this?

good stuff, record it for sure.

[marten]

The rhythm of this is totally absorbing - kinda grunting and grumbling along like a Tom Wait's diddy. I really liked the stab at materialism. Perhaps the bookstore would have a travel section.

fantabulous ,

marten

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks guys

Barrie
Thanks ,I've taken your suggestions on board

Elphin
Glad you liked it

Marten
Funny how people are always suggesting that I need a holiday, preferably a long way away from them.......

Kris
wrt "arse-eyes"
There is this rather quaint expression down here, along the lines of needing eyes up your arse to see what's happening behind you.

I've changed "buggy" to "pram" to reinforce the etymology theme.
The origin of "ambulance", it is claimed, is the French mobile hospital (hopital ambulant) - I was expecting it to
go right back to the Roman gladiators....

Cheers
Geoff

[juliadebeauvoir]

Geoff,
I've come back to this one several times. I think your wit is your greatest strength when it comes to your writing. For example:

Safely iron-clad I am publically
transported to the carefree car-free
Mall where logo-laden, shopaholic
sheep are grazing in-store,
happy to be fleeced in exchange
for that look-at-me look, that
at-a-glance status symbol.

This feels action packed, causes one to read through it quickly, forces the reader to be the 'dervish' whirling in the midst of traffic.
I live in a lazy little town with minimal traffic. People stop for pedestrians and we have cute little tented signs designating pedestrian walk ways. When I was in London I felt it was like taking my life in my own hands every time I crossed the street. But it was rather exciting! So this is what it reminded me of. Facing death on every corner and loving it. Or maybe I was just incredibly slow!
Lemmings are furry footed creatures. What is it with you and your feet, eh? BTW, what is Ladas? Is a store or slang for something else?

towards the bus stop where
a big one with a penchant for
Oysters is devouring a woman,
her child and its pram.

I liked the 'devouring' visual--almost godzillian traffic devouring defenseless mothers and their tasty babies. Crash test grannies was classic.
Interesting ending going into the quiet, safe world of a bookstore--looking up language development for answers--What came first? The city traffic hustle and bustle or the quiet bookstore that is a part of it?

Cheers,
Kimberly

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Kim,

Glad to see you're back - I hope you are feeling well.

I go into the bookstore at the end to look up the word "ambulance" - which derives from the same Latin word (meaning "walk" ) as "amble" and "perambulator" (pram). I find that fascinating and crazy at the same time!
An ambulance ambling along the road in response to a 911 call

With hindsight , I should have put a glossary on this one :

Oysters - we have these pre-pay travel passes for buses and tube trains. As you get on the bus there is a machine:
............you hold the card up to it and it beeps to show you it has deducted the fare.

Ladas..... are Russian cars .....Russian roulette .....are you groaning?

Sinclair C5 this was a ludicrous invention that was supposed to be the transport of the future.
...............I think the disabilty buggies are probably safer.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/hampshire/content/ ... 70x300.jpg

Geoff

[Wabznasm]

Geoff,

This is wonderfully English. The Osyter card, 'arse-eyes', souped up Sinclars... lovely.

I thought, for the whole, this was great. The fun behind it all is what gets me going, and the pace (that's a breathless beginning by the way) really sustains itself 'til the end.

Even here my arse-eyes are on overtime:
cautious of crash-test grannies
in souped-up Sinclair C5's,
unlicensed to bump. - is just fantastic (as is the title).

I would say though, that there are two things here that didn't sit well with me much. I thought your constant use of the hyphen started to niggle after a while. It may that I'm looking for them, but a lot of English poetry that I've read recently constantly tries to tie nouns together with a hyphen. It feels, to me (this is poetry in general by the way), that all that comes out of excessive hyphen-ing (oops!) is a contrived sense of energy. I don't know why - personal taste maybe.

But that's a pretty minor point. I would have to say one part of this poem just doesn't do anything for me: I don't think stanza 4 works at all.

Safely iron-clad I am publically - first of all, 'iron-clad' is an odd, and slightly cliched way to saying 'I was in a car'. I don't think its bizarre link to either clothing or some sort of organic transition works.

transported to the carefree car-free
Mall - I did like this bit. If you use it I would suggest jumping Mall up to the end of the line instead of starting a new one.

where logo-laden, shopaholic
sheep are grazing in-store,
happy to be fleeced in exchange
for that look-at-me look, that
at-a-glance status symbol. - but this, for me, just didn't go anywhere I'm afraid. It's that typical 'consumer' view. It's the sort of thing you can hear from nearly anybody; the simile of the sheep has been over worked, the quick and almost needless dig at consumer society is just the same argument that people have used for ages, it's one of those polemic niggles that almost anyone has tucked into their sleeve and is ready to pull out at any moment. I also think it's a bit unfair - and the antithesis of the bookstore (was it ironic?) just sets up a horrible gap between 'normal' person and writer. What's also strange is simply the inclusion of this. The poem was running along perfectly, with the thoughts firmly in the dominion of cars. This stanza was such an odd addition I had to double-take since I was not expecting it; it's a massive parenthesis that I don't think is necessary in the slightest. I'm usually not as brutal as this about whole stanzas, but this part really sunk the dazzling writing of before.

Apart from that I thought this is one of your best recently, due to the wit, the writing, and the imagination.

Cheers (sorry to be a bit of a twat with that post, but I thought you'd appreciate the candour)
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Dave,
Thanks for your honesty.

I would say though, that there are two things here that didn't sit well with me much. I thought your constant use of the hyphen started to niggle after a while. It may that I'm looking for them, but a lot of English poetry that I've read recently constantly tries to tie nouns together with a hyphen. It feels, to me (this is poetry in general by the way), that all that comes out of excessive hyphen-ing (oops!) is a contrived sense of energy. I don't know why - personal taste maybe.
Dave

Some of the hyphens are there to aid readability e.g "rat-run" because I'm making up an adjective.
If I write "rat run drivers" that will annoy some readers too! DOH!
As it turns out, I meant to use "ironclad" (as in warships) instead of "iron-clad" to suggest armour.

where logo-laden, shopaholic
sheep are grazing in-store,
happy to be fleeced in exchange
for that look-at-me look, that
at-a-glance status symbol. - but this, for me, just didn't go anywhere I'm afraid. It's that typical 'consumer' view. It's the sort of thing you can hear from nearly anybody; the simile of the sheep has been over worked, the quick and almost needless dig at consumer society is just the same argument that people have used for ages, it's one of those polemic niggles that almost anyone has tucked into their sleeve and is ready to pull out at any moment. I also think it's a bit unfair - and the antithesis of the bookstore (was it ironic?) just sets up a horrible gap between 'normal' person and writer. What's also strange is simply the inclusion of this. The poem was running along perfectly, with the thoughts firmly in the dominion of cars. This stanza was such an odd addition I had to double-take since I was not expecting it; it's a massive parenthesis that I don't think is necessary in the slightest.
Dave

Well, once I'm on the bus I have to go somewhere and I need to end up in a bookstore (the only ones are in the Mall) to look up "ambulances" in a reference book, but also to get out of the path of the invalidity carriages.
I meant to create an image of people being swallowed-up by the pace and mechanisation of modern life - the consumer consumed, as it were - and I hadn't realised it could seem like a cheap shot.
I need "grazing" to match "devouring" but I'll think about toning down the rest of it.
I don't see myself as a writer set apart from the rest; I'm just as much a victim - you should see some of the junk
I've bought off Ebay.
Maybe I should change "bookstore" to "library" - would that lose the connotations of superiority, do you think?

Geoff

[Wabznasm]

Geoff,

Right, on the first time round I missed the contradiction of your bookshop with their... erm, thing-shop.

I meant to create an image of people being swallowed-up by the pace and mechanisation of modern life - the consumer consumed, as it were - and I hadn't realised it could seem like a cheap shot. - I wouldn't necessarily say it's a cheap shot, but I do think it is out of place. And the argument isn't, for me at least, a wholly original one, y'know? I mean, we've been stuck in years of writers trying to describe consumerism ruining people (so much so it's becoming a bit of a boring subject) and some wonderfully original stuff has come out of that. I felt the 'sheep' thing was lagging behind a bit. (one of my favourite metaphors is: Mucho shaved his upper lip every morning three times with, three against the grain to remove the remotest breath of a moustache, new blades he drew blood invariably but kept at it from the Crying of Lot 49).

I reckon library would work better to, since that's more of a reference point than a book shop.

In respect to the need to have the location of the mall: if you decided to ditch stanza 4, I reckon you could easily remedy the continuity with something like thought, I park up to a bookstore/library/whatever,. To be honest, I always read it as if you were on the road - I never quite saw the jump to you being on foot. Still, if I've missed the point of the poem tell me, because I can be a shite reader sometimes!

Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Dave,

I run the gauntlet of traffic and am herded towards a bus stop by fellow pedestrians and parked cars; thence
safely to the Mall by bus: I don't actually get in a car.
There is no point to the poem really , except how the word "ambulance" (vroom vroom, nur-nar etc) is bizarrely connected via Latin to "walking" words like "amble" and "pram".

Geoff

[J.R.Pearson]

Two this whole poem is exhausting to read yet i love it! I read the crits and it has no real muse....the end may be
smallish but teh language alone is DRIVEN like the write itself. IMO greta stuff...i only trip( i have read it 12 times)
over the word "lemming-soled". I like the line itself but i also think that u can tweak it a lil to make it better....
like i said JMO.

JR

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks, JR.

Driven? Yes, I probably have a tendency to overdo things with alliteration, contraction etc.

wrt lemming-soled
Originally I had lemming feet, and then I remembered there is a dish called lemon-sole, so... Oh well.......

Cheers
Geoff

[twelveoone]

Oysters - we have these pre-pay travel passes for buses and tube trains. As you get on the bus there is a machine:
............you hold the card up to it and it beeps to show you it has deducted the fare.

I'm glad you cleared that one up for me, I was wonderin' why the cap. It sounded great, halfway between a spit and a snarl. Liked this best:
asphyxiate my lemming
-soled feet to the kerb
Yowsuh, lemming-soled feet to the kerb.
I know it ain't much of a crit, forgive me

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks tweleveone, glad you liked it.

I've never actually owned a lemming as a pet , you understand, but if I had one I'd call him Cliff.

Geoff

[barrie]

Why not be subtle - Call him Harry Webb.

[oranggunung]

Geoff

A great read. Enjoyed the frantic pace and the playful use of language. Dare I search for nits? Of course I dare.

publically

I don’t know why, but this spelling really upsets me. I think it’s the thought of trying to enunciate the ‘alley’ at the end. The alternative, ‘publicly’, leaves my hackles unruffled.

looking for etymological insights

Thinking about the sonics of the piece (not sure if a Noorf Lahnden accent would match your own), I wondered if ‘seeking’ or ‘searching for’ would work better than ‘looking for’.

Why two lines between verses? A stylistic adventure?

effusive gushings


og

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks Og, I'm glad you like it.

wrt publically

I am just a sad old git who had spelling drummed into me art school. I didn't even know there was an alternative,
but I would pronounce them both the same anyway (3 syllables)

wrt looking
I like the alliterative "l" sounds in looking/etymological

Cheers
Geoff