Bristed, mate!

[Globus]

Cackle jaw sitting underface
a-laugh with splinters,
bastardised anecdotes.

The

rough housing skinhead,
blustering censure and
teetering along the wall

With the

fat step of a beerleader,
knuckle eyesockets,
mouthy spin threatening

As the

massive swear up
over the road gets yours
mate snot worth it, fuck

This.

[camus]

No Replies,

Fuck this!

I liked it, especially the certain play on words:

beerleader, massive swear up

Not over keen on the single line breaks though , they look good, but mean fuck all you cunt.

cheers
Trevor

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Took me a few reads but am finally getting the gist of it, I think. Reminds me a little of "A Clockwork Orange". I think some of the language is very clever with a matter-of-factness that describes a world of council housing estates devoid of logic and intelligence as I know it. I didn't mind the line breaks - a bit cutesy.

[barrie]

A good poem is spoiled by the line breaks whose only effect is to interrupt a poem that should flow, not stutter. I very nearly gave up on this, but when it's knitted together it's very good. Dave mentioned A Clockwork Orange, it does have echoes of it, but you use English not nadsat. Some of the phrases are excellent and mostly very visual - cackle jaw, beerleader, knuckle eyesockets, swear up....

Cackle jaw sitting underface
a-laugh with splinters,
bastardised anecdotes.
Rough housing skinhead,
blustering censure and
teetering along the wall
with the fat step of a beerleader,
knuckle eyesockets,
mouthy spin threatening
as the massive swear up
over the road gets yours
mate, snot worth it -
Fuck this. .............I set it out like this before I read it properly. - One man's meat etc....you can never please everyone.

nice one.

Barrie

[Globus]

Funnily, I found a copy of Clockwork Orange on Sunday and have been reading it for the first time on the way to work this week. Horrorshow writing, my brothers.

I understand the comments about the line breaks - I did want it to jar and lurch rather than flow, but the breaks aren't the right solution. I think I also need to do more to build the scene and characters.

Cheers for taking the time with it.

[Wabznasm]

Here's a moment of contention: I really liked the breaks. I mean, they didn't add anything, but did remind me of that eyeball thing Ginsberg spoke about. There was something oddly compelling about those lurching great jumps.

I think I also need to do more to build the scene and characters.

I think you are right about that. At the moment, while it has some lovely writing (very, erm, English-mythic - that's something I just made up - ), the poem has a tone of almost 'It happened to you'. As if it's a second person narration and you are enjoying setting up a scene in front of the reader. I think that's a bit The Streets to be honest; a finely written piece, but one that is determined to hand guide me (with the obligatory inclusion of me with 'yours' at the end). I reckon if you developed this it would have the substance I think it needs.

Also, can you end it differently? The fuck this bit is fine, but

over the road gets yours
mate snot worth it,

was a bit pun for the sake of pun.

I dunno if that helps
Dave

[Globus]

I dunno if that helps

It does; as it always does...