At today's mini
Roundabout, four cars converge
Simultaneously -
Each driver staring
Right and each car giving way
To the next, so that
Suddenly all four
Are locked into this moment's
Terrible indecision.
Cam
Grid-Lock
i really like this, it gives an example of the strange happenings of everyday life - reminds me a bit of when you are walking towards someone, they go left, you go right, you go left, they go right..then you end up bumping to each other anyway!
nice work
raps.
nice work
raps.
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I will probably be bombarded from all angles for my next few comments so hear goes....Cam with Respect you are without a doubt a talented poet
but this piece seems more like a police statement to me..IE you witnessed a accident or something,I see where others say they like the vision etc and i am far from having no vision but to me this doesn't strike me like some pieces i have read on here..
I mean no offence what so ever honestly but to me if this is modern poetry i'm not liking it.I'm in no position to critique really just being honest..Thanks Tom....
but this piece seems more like a police statement to me..IE you witnessed a accident or something,I see where others say they like the vision etc and i am far from having no vision but to me this doesn't strike me like some pieces i have read on here..
I mean no offence what so ever honestly but to me if this is modern poetry i'm not liking it.I'm in no position to critique really just being honest..Thanks Tom....
Nothing wrong with honesty Tom. I liked it, but here's to agreeing to disagree.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
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cameron
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Thanks for the feedback chaps.
Police statement. Hmmmmn. What I was trying to do was to capture a small moment of modern life - in a simple but memorable way. So much poetry ignores the modern world because it seems unpoetic. Cash machines, chip and pin, dog shit, kebab shops, boom boxes, dick heads, car alarms, pierced navals, MP3s could all be part of poetry.
Anyway, good to see that the new-improved (washes whiter), lower case thomas is more critical than his predecessor.
Cheers Cam
Police statement. Hmmmmn. What I was trying to do was to capture a small moment of modern life - in a simple but memorable way. So much poetry ignores the modern world because it seems unpoetic. Cash machines, chip and pin, dog shit, kebab shops, boom boxes, dick heads, car alarms, pierced navals, MP3s could all be part of poetry.
Anyway, good to see that the new-improved (washes whiter), lower case thomas is more critical than his predecessor.
Cheers Cam
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Lower case Thomas Mmmmm...Now you have made me feel guilty Cameron i can understand the piece you wrote just wasn't for me thats all
no dis-respect meant at all hope you understand...Thanks Tom...
no dis-respect meant at all hope you understand...Thanks Tom...
I think you are right Cam,
Modern poetry should capture things we all relate to and there is a need to put in poetry these things we all take for granted
Good work - though I'm not sure of the double spacing - it feels like you are giving the lines to much air to breath and may not suit the tone of the poem ?
just a thought
Arco
Modern poetry should capture things we all relate to and there is a need to put in poetry these things we all take for granted
Good work - though I'm not sure of the double spacing - it feels like you are giving the lines to much air to breath and may not suit the tone of the poem ?
just a thought
Arco
hehe Arco...as I was reading this last night I thought the same thing.
I found Keith's double-spacing to be helpful in the drafting and planning process. I find that I read every line a bit more thoroughly when it's not mashed together with the rest, so it's helpful for spotting errors. But, sometimes when every line is so isolated, the general flow is lost...so it is only useful sometimes I've found.
And even better Cam. One question: are these to be haikus, or something close? I count 5, 7, 6 -- 5, 7, 5 -- 5, 7, 7. (Sometimes it's good not to be so strict with these things...just wondered what you had in mind).
I found Keith's double-spacing to be helpful in the drafting and planning process. I find that I read every line a bit more thoroughly when it's not mashed together with the rest, so it's helpful for spotting errors. But, sometimes when every line is so isolated, the general flow is lost...so it is only useful sometimes I've found.
And even better Cam. One question: are these to be haikus, or something close? I count 5, 7, 6 -- 5, 7, 5 -- 5, 7, 7. (Sometimes it's good not to be so strict with these things...just wondered what you had in mind).
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
i like it
i think the mundane-ness of it is is strength
a simple evryday occurence related in a tight way. Don't know if you meant to make haikus, don't personally feel that it matters if its off rythm, i think that plays to the pieces strength
like the event described, just a bit off in terms of beat. If it was too controlled it would be like trying to control a gridlocked traffic system...
i don't know maybe that's just me
and i agree with the modern poet taking the everyday occurences in i don't think that MP3 players and boom boxes ect could be part of poetry, i think they should be part of poetry,the world that surrounds you moulds what you write
i think the mundane-ness of it is is strength
a simple evryday occurence related in a tight way. Don't know if you meant to make haikus, don't personally feel that it matters if its off rythm, i think that plays to the pieces strength
like the event described, just a bit off in terms of beat. If it was too controlled it would be like trying to control a gridlocked traffic system...
i don't know maybe that's just me
and i agree with the modern poet taking the everyday occurences in i don't think that MP3 players and boom boxes ect could be part of poetry, i think they should be part of poetry,the world that surrounds you moulds what you write
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cameron
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Not much gets past you does it Caleb? Originally it was intended to be haikus but I couldn't get certain words to fit so I just resorted to 5 and 7 syllable lines as in a naga-uta. However, you spotted my deliberate 6 syllable word (simultaneously) which I didn't want to lose. In the end it was a case of the content altering the form.
Welcome to the forum bis. I very much liked 'mundane-ness is its strength' which is a perceptive observation of what I was trying to do.
Cam
Welcome to the forum bis. I very much liked 'mundane-ness is its strength' which is a perceptive observation of what I was trying to do.
Cam
until you smashed it together in those three-line stanzas I figured the syllable count was just coincidence.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein