just stumbled across this forum today and am quite excited about it all. Have never posted any work before so her goes:
They fell in love in the back seat of a taxi,
As it pulled up by the side of the river.
When he had not been in the world for even a week,
They dropped him on his head,
And when he becomes embarrassed even today
The scar glows pink on his forehead.
She kissed him gently on his bruised skin.
Follow me, and she flew across the moon
Casting her shadow back down on the town,
Reminding the people that they once too had loved.
They landed in a clearing where the pavements turned to sand.
The worker’s hands were sore from throwing paving stones
And they sat in silence as the animals walked in,
It’s early, no it’s late the others said.
I made it for you she told him,
As the buildings faded to stars and trees.
He reached and plucked the birds from the sky,
Put them in her hand and pressed them to her breast.
Wait he said, soon we shall breathe again,
The red digits of the taxi meter counting down instead of up.
A slow journey towards zero,
Soon he said the time will stop and then it will all be ours.
they fell in love inthe back seat of a taxi
Some good images in this, I wonder though if it jumps around a bit too much. We start with a taxi, and then we are hit with a man dropped on his head as a baby? Is there some way to transition there?
Love the playing with the shadows and the stars - presumably from the front/back windshield of the taxi?
And again I think there is jumping around farther down, these lines confused me:
"And they sat in silence as the animals walked in,
It’s early, no it’s late the others said."
Ending brilliantly captures a moment though, in my opinion:
"He reached and plucked the birds from the sky,
Put them in her hand and pressed them to her breast.
Wait, he said, soon we shall breathe again,
The red digits of the taxi meter counting down instead of up.
A slow journey towards zero,
Soon he said the time will stop and then it will all be ours."
Welcome bis, thanks for the read.
- Caleb
Love the playing with the shadows and the stars - presumably from the front/back windshield of the taxi?
And again I think there is jumping around farther down, these lines confused me:
"And they sat in silence as the animals walked in,
It’s early, no it’s late the others said."
Ending brilliantly captures a moment though, in my opinion:
"He reached and plucked the birds from the sky,
Put them in her hand and pressed them to her breast.
Wait, he said, soon we shall breathe again,
The red digits of the taxi meter counting down instead of up.
A slow journey towards zero,
Soon he said the time will stop and then it will all be ours."
Welcome bis, thanks for the read.
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
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Bis,
Can only reiterate the other guys really.
I enjoyed the mix of past and present mundane and magical.
"And when he becomes embarrassed even today
The scar glows pink on his forehead."
I'm wondering how much relevance these lines have, creating a vunerabilty to the character, and sets the tone for an almost motherly love rather than a loverly love, if you know what i mean.
It was slightly disjointed, but an Intriguing first post
Nice one.
Can only reiterate the other guys really.
I enjoyed the mix of past and present mundane and magical.
"And when he becomes embarrassed even today
The scar glows pink on his forehead."
I'm wondering how much relevance these lines have, creating a vunerabilty to the character, and sets the tone for an almost motherly love rather than a loverly love, if you know what i mean.
It was slightly disjointed, but an Intriguing first post
Nice one.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
