fractured life

[oranggunung]

extended remix

In fractured light
photons reveal their
true hues, providing vibrant
visions from quotidian quanta.

In fractured life
my blunt intellect sought
a similar setting;
an inner intensity
to shade the pallid shell.

Staring, to sieve that
elemental essence from
a shattered pane, I saw
only meat and mayhem.
You were empty after all -
a dulling disappointment
to the bleeding edge of reason.


radio edit

In fractured light
photons reveal their
true hues. In fractured
life I thought there lay
an insight, a glimpse
of intensity inside.

Staring, to sieve that
elemental essence from
a shattered pane, I saw
only meat and mayhem.
You were empty after all -
a dulling disappointment
to the bleeding edge of reason.

[Merlin]

Quite liked this...its a different take on beauty is only skin deep ...with a little scientifc twist to it...

I feel it could be chopped a little.....

For instance:

life I thought there lay
an insight, a glimpse
of intensity inside.

Seems to be a kinda tautology there....with glimpse and insight....one of them is not needed - possibly

a dulling disappointment
to the bleeding edge of reason.

Bleeding edge of reason , I like…..not sure if it sounds cliched……but I like the idea of discarding logic and reason…..

Nice one…

[Wabznasm]

Oggo,

I know I haven't been too positive with your stuff recently, but I think this is really good.

As typical, here's a lovely dry critique:

In fractured light
photons reveal their
true hues. - I'll be honest, I don't get this. I know what you are saying, but you haven't located anything. For instance, what light? I think the description is too vague myself. And are you mixing metaphors and photons and hues?

I agree with Merlin on the glimpse, insight part. It has got nice rhythm though, could you do something else with it?

S2 doesn't let much on, does it? And I think that's why I like it. Not because of the 'Oh, the ambiguity does this and this...', but just because I think it is very well written. And it builds up really well. At first, I'm just about following, and then it becomes brilliantly lucid (with the right sort of reading). However, I'd like to see 'reason' changed. I know what you're getting at, but it's too big a conclusion. The poem pairs itself down, becomes understandable, but just looses the reader in the erethra with the last word. What about something scientific, like 'anatomy'? Maybe that's just as bad.

Good poem
Dave

[dogofdiogenes]

Hi there

I like this. I did feel that there were too many ideas/metaphors in the first stanza. And the problem with 'photons' is that it's not the most accessible of ideas, especially if you want to adapt it further. The glass is, however.
Stanza 2-elemental essence seems tautological. You could use one or the other and element would go nicely with meat. Neither would I have used both 'meat' and 'mayhem'. One of either of those on their own would give a sense of shock, I think. A stop whilst you absorb the moment of what you are seeing. A fuller stop after all would change the pace a bit.
Dulling disappointment could also have been half the size and still give you a sense of potential delight severed.

All best wishes

sugar canine

[makowski]

to the bleeding edge of reason.

that's good.

and about

In fractured light
photons reveal their
true hues.

- I see You are interesting about quantum physics. thats great, because it is something
different than poems about roses and angels. we are living in XXI centaury and we suppose to write about it.

[twoleftfeet]

Og,

When I first read your poem I mistook photons for photos
This made perfect sense - a smashed photograph, an arm put through a window, a cry for help......

I read it again.. I'm still trying to work out the relevance of photons, but I expect you will enlighten me

Geoff

[beautifulloser]

Og,

This is good - I feel I am liking everything far too much lately!!! This is the best piece I have read of yours, I think.

I like the idea of the tiny photons of light, in the singular they're fractured, collectively you have light though. Each thread of thought or idea in existence could be a photon, it's an original metaphor in that context as I interpret your poem - leading to a frature life of incomplete wholes, that may never be complete . . . . .or something. That said, Dog is probably right on that score, mind you it only takes a brief search on the web to get find a context but some may not bother, but I liked it . . .

Have you edited this slightly Og? I much prefer this read to the last and I do not remember meat and mayhem before, but I like it.

The last couplet is excellent, leaves it on a note of "the more you learn the less you know".

These lines are also great if not quite grand, big and sweeping but it works:

Staring, to sieve that
elemental essence from
a shattered pane

Staring to sieve that elemental essence is great.

Sorry there is not more constructive critcism to improve this, if I have any further thoughts I'll let you know but I enjoyed this write.

BL
x

[oranggunung]

I’m glad this is getting the thumbs up. Not sure if I want to dissect it too much, in case the plaudits are withdrawn. I thought I’d posted this response yesterday, but somehow failed to. Thank goodness I’d saved it offline.

Merlin – tautology. That’s a tough one. I thought it was legitimate to provide synonyms within a descriptive section. It was an imprecise way of the narrator describing their idea. A couple of people have pointed to this, so I’m not sure that the technique worked.

If I change the language, I fear the structure changes too. It might become too dramatic

life I thought there lay
a glimpse of an inner
intensity.


Wab – true hues. What I was thinking about was the fact that white light is comprised of numerous packages of different wavelengths. When you ‘fracture’ the white light (with a prism, perhaps, or a rainbow) you can see the component parts. Some argue that these colours are more beautiful than the white light (is that the opposite of gestalt?).

- reason. That’s a tricky one. I wondered about ‘research’, as that’s in line with the narrator’s actions, but it feels too rarefied.

- bleeding edge. Have you come across this expression? It’s listed in Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bleeding_edge


sugar canine – alas, I am undone. You’ve picked up on all of the alliterative moments of S2. I think essence is a more versatile word than you give it credit for, although I might not have chosen it very carefully.
- meat and mayhem. I appreciate that these two words have their own impact, but I think that they are much more powerful together. I think they are too ambiguous in isolation.
- dulling disappointment. Perhaps the least justifiable of the combinations, but a lovely sonic combination, imo. ‘dulling’ refers to the edge (mentioned later) and I’m not sure it could stand on its own. Similarly, ‘disappointment’ would seem inadequate without some modifier.

- photons. I think the majority of readers on the forum have encountered the idea of photons. Just knowing that they are packets of light should be enough to work with. An understanding of quantum mechanics is neither necessary nor desirable to make sense of the reference.


makowski – thank you for crediting this piece with being contemporary. I haven't always been successful.


Geoff – I wonder if I’m being cantankerous by using such a technical-sounding word? As I mentioned to Wab, it was just a way of deconstructing light.


BL – I don’t have any problem with you liking the poetry on the forum. I’m glad you like this. I haven’t edited this yet, as I’m trying to find sonically satisfying replacements for the niggly bits. One suggestion is included above.


Thank you all for taking the time. Although I haven’t redrafted this, I am looking at the various points that have been mentioned. A lot of the words feel like they have a good fit, so a simple substitution may not be possible. Like a house of cards, one movement can throw the rest into chaos. The mulling will go on.


og

[Wabznasm]

Just read this again oggo, in light of your crit, and it does make sense.

However, I think the poem on the whole is far too condensed, jumps from instance to instance in a blistering pace (like the first half to the second of S1), and needs either some background or a few breathers.

For instance, the second stanza is packed with big concepts and a really large amount of metaphor. I would suggest cutting some of it down.

I also think you are attacking this poem a little too directly? You have an idea of what you want to write about, and it's quite a big idea, yet you've tried to renumerate it as concisely as possible, with nothing useless or background. I think that, for such a complex poem as this, that approach is too cut-throat, and the intensity of the poem needs to be slackened. The poem will, I reckon, come alive after that. It's still good, mind.

Dave

[oranggunung]

Wab

I think the poem on the whole is far too condensed

Some of my prose (not creative writing) has been criticised for that in the past. Perhaps the two formats are beginning to meet. I get worried about failing to convey ideas accurately in more flowing styles. I wonder if there’s a way of extending this to three stanzas, such that the last stanza remains essentially unchanged.

To date, I only remember being guilty of dilution or distraction. It’s interesting to be encouraged to add something. The process will almost certainly be a long one, as I pick an indirect path around the intent.

More mulling to add to the mix


og

[oranggunung]

A little mulling has proved useful.

Here is an extended remix to decongest the dense prose.


og