swing. abstract. liv tyler’s mysterious smile. and it seems
like lying in the damask. somebody rang in the morning and I don’t know who it was.
hypocrisy on tv. I’m eating toasts. discovery channel –
a programme on big cities. maranatha like manhattan.
trance.
and then –
bond thwarts every attempt of
inflicting a funny death on him.
because every attempt of
inflicting a funny death – is like a hum of a rollercoaster.
or like poland. that is.
there is no place to return to.
and if there is no place to return to – every funny death.
becomes totally incomprehensible – like crude oil prices.
or like samuel beckett’s works.
that are claimed to have been
crystallized by diseases and a sense of loneliness.
that’s right. mr samuel. each of us
is an unknown appliance.
mysterious just like liv tyler’s smile.
plug and play
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
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- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
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Martin
Disconcerting. The rejection of capitals and the intense usage of full stops makes my grammatical training scream in outrage. Were there supposed to be quite so many full stops? Interesting that you capitalised “I”, but no other proper nouns; Liv Tyler, Samuel Beckett, (James) Bond, Poland. That spoils the idea for me, distances me from the narrator.
The twisted train of thought is quite fun, though.
Plug and play seems to be referring to the unknown appliance. Should I read some more Beckett to discover what it is? Or would I be none the wiser for trying?
maranatha like manhattan.
An awkward line to read. I wonder if
anathema marantha like manhattan
would work too? Not sure in what sense you were using marantha.
swing
abstract
trance
Are these types of music? Channel hopping?
Some thoughts on language, as this is supposed to be a translation:
and it seems
like lying in the damask.
Could be
it seems
like lying in damask
somebody rang in the morning…
could be
someone rang this morning…
I’m eating toasts.
should be
I’m eating toast.
(but could be “I’m drinking toasts”, perhaps, although probably not, under the circumstances)
bond thwarts every attempt of
inflicting a funny death on him.
could be
bond thwarts everyone’s attempt to
inflict an entertaining death on him.
like crude oil prices.
This is correct, but it could be less formally stated:
like the price of crude (oil).
The word ‘oil’ is implied in the sentence
that’s right. mr samuel. each of us
strictly speaking, this should be
that’s right. mr beckett. each of us
although informal versions might include
that’s right. sam/sammy/sammy boy. each of us
I think the format is distracting from the poem here. Are you worried that the poem will not be strong enough without such disguise? I'd find the text easier to read if there were fewer full stops.
a curious read
og
Disconcerting. The rejection of capitals and the intense usage of full stops makes my grammatical training scream in outrage. Were there supposed to be quite so many full stops? Interesting that you capitalised “I”, but no other proper nouns; Liv Tyler, Samuel Beckett, (James) Bond, Poland. That spoils the idea for me, distances me from the narrator.
The twisted train of thought is quite fun, though.
Plug and play seems to be referring to the unknown appliance. Should I read some more Beckett to discover what it is? Or would I be none the wiser for trying?
maranatha like manhattan.
An awkward line to read. I wonder if
anathema marantha like manhattan
would work too? Not sure in what sense you were using marantha.
swing
abstract
trance
Are these types of music? Channel hopping?
Some thoughts on language, as this is supposed to be a translation:
and it seems
like lying in the damask.
Could be
it seems
like lying in damask
somebody rang in the morning…
could be
someone rang this morning…
I’m eating toasts.
should be
I’m eating toast.
(but could be “I’m drinking toasts”, perhaps, although probably not, under the circumstances)
bond thwarts every attempt of
inflicting a funny death on him.
could be
bond thwarts everyone’s attempt to
inflict an entertaining death on him.
like crude oil prices.
This is correct, but it could be less formally stated:
like the price of crude (oil).
The word ‘oil’ is implied in the sentence
that’s right. mr samuel. each of us
strictly speaking, this should be
that’s right. mr beckett. each of us
although informal versions might include
that’s right. sam/sammy/sammy boy. each of us
I think the format is distracting from the poem here. Are you worried that the poem will not be strong enough without such disguise? I'd find the text easier to read if there were fewer full stops.
a curious read
og
actually when i'm reading loud my poems, i'm not using this full stops. that is just my idea of writing. text is more expressive then.
about capitals. i'm using capitals only in matter of God, thats all. i just reckon that "I" suppose to be in small letters, that's the mistake of the translator.
thank you for the suggestion about the language, i will study them carefully.
Godspeed
about capitals. i'm using capitals only in matter of God, thats all. i just reckon that "I" suppose to be in small letters, that's the mistake of the translator.
thank you for the suggestion about the language, i will study them carefully.
Godspeed
