Parenthetical Citations

[tryp]

CLOSED

[beautifulloser]

Ooo, great title.

Shitting flippers, I am going to read this when I've got a bit of time as I am flying out the door but looks good.

Soz - will come back, promise.

Beau
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[David]

I can only assume you have posted this in Beginners as an act of politeness. It's very good. Hell's bells, it's a sestina, and a moving one at that. Who knew such a thing was possible?

I like this a lot. The parentheses are like cutaway shots in a film. Is this the sort of stuff you routinely produce, or is it one of your best?

It's very good. I hope you'll stick around for a while at least.

Cheers

David

[tryp]

Wow, that's high praise Thanks.
I'd like to think this one is indicative of my skill level, but I do consider it the best work I have right now. I have been working on it for the better part of a year, trying to get it to a place where I'm satisfied with it, and I think it's almost there. At this point, I'm really just looking for as many opinions as I can get on it, trying to catch things that don 't sound quite right or could be better worded.

[barrie]

This is really good - a credit to your perseverence. The form is one that I've never attempted (and probably never will), the content shows great observation and empathy, or direct experience - the way it's written, the latter seems more likely.
This really belongs in the Experienced section - if you want it moved there just give us a nod and I (or whoever gets the message first) will move it over.
Meanwhile, I'll have a few more reads, see if I can find something to moan about....

Good stuff

Barrie

[tryp]

Please move it, then - I can always benefit from harsher critique Thanks!

[Elphin]

tryp

Welcome on board - what an impressive first post particularly as you haven't compromised the quality of your words and phrases to squeeze them into what is a very difficult form. This is a work of perseverance and if it is a tribute to someone then they would be chuffed to bits.

A particular strength of the piece is that the feeling, emotion and tenderness builds and builds. Also the use of the parentheses adds an originality. If you have the perseverance to add some polish I will offer the following thoughts:

Parenthetical Citations - has such harsh sounds that maybe the tenderness of the piece deserves more tender sonics in the title e.g. a small change to Citations (In Parenthesis).

I would perhaps suggest another read through to remove any excess words. I say that for two reasons. Firstly, many readers are inherently lazy and I know that the length of the piece put me off reading it for a day and secondly I think you could sharpen some of the images and actions. Having said that, the investment of time was well worthwhile. I wouldn't like to suggest where the excess words are but I would look for places where there are two adjectives (e.g. vivid, blooming), two adverbs (inevitably, viscerally) or two or more nouns (heart and breath/sun, blue sky and blossoms) and figure out if one can do the same job.

Final thought for you to consider and I expect there would be conflicting views on this - how would this read if written in the first person? In my view "I and me" would intensify the feelings.

I look forward to reading more.

Elphin

[barrie]

Nothing to moan about really. The only nit I have is that you've used viscerally a couple of times - not a major sin I know, but it's a word that stands out. Maybe drop it from V1, and keep the alliterative viscerally verbal in V4.

I had to find something.

Again, well done.

Barrie

[ccvulture]

Welcome aboard, take a seat...

Hmm, I just feel that the lines are too long. It doesn't have enough pace for me. You seem to have spent so long on it that you've crammed in too many words over time, leaving the ones that form the actual sestina seem like you held them aloft with tweezers until you could work each line out logically enough to carefully place them at the ends.

You could probably say more through less.

Also, I find the brackets off-putting, which is a purely personal (if damning) reaction to looking at the piece on-screen.

Regards

Stuart

[beautifulloser]

I'm back,

Welcome by the way, the use of viscerally twice occurred to me as Barrie mentioned and I think Elph's remarks are valid too on the doubling up, although it's sometimes nice to have a word spree. That said, the meter and flow was very fluid and as this engages right off the bat from the start so I personally did not mind the length at all, in fact I think it's about the right length as the subject is pretty heavy and there's clearly lots to say, it's certainly worth the effort and I'd be loathed to trim it at all, but then breviloquence only recently entered my vocabulary.

As I was reading I remember enjoying S5, thinking what a marvellous line surface like sounding whales but the hurting part won’t come to mind, is. Very true, I thought.

I think this is excellent and is a poem I'll remember and come back to and what more would you want to achieve, exactly? A year seems pretty excessive, I mean don't get me wrong now, it's really very good this but I gather this is a personal piece . . . . it's hard to know. But, on the title, I like the title and it is very harsh but that's a good thing I think. I'm getting plenty of anger, but it's soft and reasoned, the title seems quite aloof to me which kind of drums home a desire for distance, the hole poem seems to be about establishing distance, rationalising or something and I wonder if there's a pun intended or not on the title, which can only add to the sorrow especially with the first line considered. I'm quite happy being drenched in that ambiguity - but that's just a point of view.

As for writing and stuff, now that we've critted this one, fancy doing the same thing next year?!

Welcomne again, hope you hang around and we get to see more of your stuff.

Beau
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[tryp]

I'm glad the "viscerally" thing was pointed out to me - I'll definitely get on that. I'm also grateful for the other feedback concerning line length and overall poem length, though I can't see cutting much of it out at this point.
I'm about ready to lay this poem to rest now, I think. I guess the subject is just so close to my heart that I can't bear to lay it down if I'm still hearing serious false notes in the work. But yeah, I think I'll take this round of critique on board and then actually submit it somewhere. Thanks to everyone for your feedback and thoughts
And yeah, the title's supposed to be a pun on the way you would cite resources when writing a research paper

[beautifulloser]

writing a research paper

Well, no better research paper than one on yourself, I guess. "Submit It" - best of luck with it Sir, but I detect a love ya and leave ya sort of vibe lingering. Some bloke I just met just told me "uprooting's a serious business", which apparently it is, I don't know. Seems strangely relevant, but just ignore me as I tend to ramble.

Beau
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