The second it’s over, a rough wave of regret.
Sleep till your sober, wake up
Drink coffee, and try to forget.
Your head is locked in a vice
That grips and holds tight,
Squeezing you dry of last nights dreams.
Lie flat, sullenly strum your guitar
Wish you could get up, but know that you can’t.
Colour becomes so much more bland, you
Read through the passage once, twice,
Three times and still don’t understand.
The incessant buzz of flies doesn't help
The situation, they grind at your ears,
As whimsical mumbles spill out of your mouth.
Eyes half closed, a laconic expression
Slip into fits of mild depression.
You conclude that the only way out
Of this deepening hole, is just one
Then another, till you're poisoned once more.
Hey everyone,
this is my first post in a while, so feedback would be especially appreciated.
im not that happy with the last line either, any comments/suggestions welcome..
atb
rasp,.
Poison
Good work rasp...my only thoughts are as follows:
The vice metaphor has been used many times, I'd try to think of something different/original if you can. But it does fit.
And then there's:
"Lie flat, sullenly strumming your guitar
Wishing you could get up, but knowing you can’t."
This sentence would read better as a command, I think. "Lie flat, sullenly strum your guitar, wish you could get up, know you can't."
I too was a bit underwelmed with the last line. After a few reads through, I've decided that what I would do is end the poem at "depression." It ends on the note you want, and it happens to be the best rhyme of the poem:
"Eyes half closed, a laconic expression
Slip into fits of mild depression."
Other than that, just welcome back. Wondered if you were going to post a poem some time. Hope you have many more.
- Caleb
The vice metaphor has been used many times, I'd try to think of something different/original if you can. But it does fit.
And then there's:
"Lie flat, sullenly strumming your guitar
Wishing you could get up, but knowing you can’t."
This sentence would read better as a command, I think. "Lie flat, sullenly strum your guitar, wish you could get up, know you can't."
I too was a bit underwelmed with the last line. After a few reads through, I've decided that what I would do is end the poem at "depression." It ends on the note you want, and it happens to be the best rhyme of the poem:
"Eyes half closed, a laconic expression
Slip into fits of mild depression."
Other than that, just welcome back. Wondered if you were going to post a poem some time. Hope you have many more.
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
thanks a lot caleb,
i agree with you on the guitar line..flows much better
im not sure about ending it at 'depression' though, seems a bit abrupt..
do you not think there are too many 'you' s?
ile rework and edit soon..
all the best
rasp.
i agree with you on the guitar line..flows much better
im not sure about ending it at 'depression' though, seems a bit abrupt..
do you not think there are too many 'you' s?
ile rework and edit soon..
all the best
rasp.