Vapourish Beauty
By what omniscient star' which did hone
Subservient digits thus, to strip her
From pools of chaste essence discriminant;
Didst thou vouchsafe in beauteous vapour,
And prime celestial bodies alone
In earthly volution, to swill their veins;
Those red, raging rapids that signpost change:
Precipitates 'pon finer thought, life's rain?
And dost thou dictate love, lucid as bone
White clouds feed black gulleys 'midst man's terrain?
A Message To God
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TarkovskyMirror
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Welcome Tark, have read your poem a number of times, hope these comments will be helpful
‘Striking visual images, symbolic visionary tone’ – a reference to Tarkovsky’s film making.
It looks as though this is what you aimed to emulate in your poem. For those of us outside of your field of thought the symbolism is a bit too involved and leaves us confused.
Certainly, you have created some striking visual images that stay in the mind. Over-all though I feel that you have tried too hard to achieve classical form, even including archaisms – ‘did hone’, ‘didst thou’ , ‘ ‘pon’, ‘dost thou’, ‘ ‘midst’.
‘A Message to God’ is a mighty imposing title; clearly the subject is important, something you’ve thought about deeply. No doubt this affected the manner in which you wanted to present it, which leads to the ‘heavy’ style.
The opening line is simply, ‘Vapourish Beauty’ and appears to be the subject to whom the poem is addressed; capital letter on both words making it a title, and since the poem is ‘A message to God’ this would make God and the Vapourish Beauty one and the same. Could be that my interpretation is wrong, if so I’m off on a wrong tack for the rest of the poem. The nearest idea that connects in my mind is The Holy Spirit, an element of The Trinity – vapourish maybe but invisible.
‘omniscient star’ is a good expression conjuring responses of great distances, of Space and knowledge beyond human comprehension. (Why the ‘ after star?). Why ‘did hone’ when ‘honed’ would do just as well?
‘Subservient digits’ excessively complicated, none the less effective.
‘pools of chaste essence’- picturesque, but why/what discriminant?
‘dids’t thou vouchsafe in beauteous vapour’ – you opened the poem with Vapourish Beauty, repetition is rarely good in a poem and here you are confusing the significance of the words. ‘dids’t thou’ and ‘vouchsafe’ rather belong to Shakespeare than the 21st century.
‘In earthly volution’ did the e slip off the front of evolution or should it have been volition?
Veins and red, raging rapids suggest to me blood and the racing of hearts and the pulse pounding.
At the end we come to, for me, the most striking expression in the poem ‘lucid as bone white clouds’ – I could wish that I had written that!
In the end, though, I am left uncertain as to the poems message ( to God ). The problem starts as early as ‘to strip her from . . .’ Who is ‘her’? Is she the ‘vapourish beauty’ – the object rather than the subject of the poem?
The second line introduces a question, which continues to the question mark after ‘life’s rain’, making all but the last two lines of the poem one sentence. Not necessarily wrong, but adding to the difficulty of understanding.
Back to the beginning, my impression is that your feeling for the subject weighed heavily and you got too seriously involved, wanting to make the language as mighty as the message. Even for a religious topic, you don’t have to revert to the language of the Authorised Version. Today’s language will do – and I don’t mean profanity. Your poem sings with lovely combinations of words; do you think you could juggle them again, keeping the clear message in mind as you write for the sake of less imaginative readers? Leslie
‘Striking visual images, symbolic visionary tone’ – a reference to Tarkovsky’s film making.
It looks as though this is what you aimed to emulate in your poem. For those of us outside of your field of thought the symbolism is a bit too involved and leaves us confused.
Certainly, you have created some striking visual images that stay in the mind. Over-all though I feel that you have tried too hard to achieve classical form, even including archaisms – ‘did hone’, ‘didst thou’ , ‘ ‘pon’, ‘dost thou’, ‘ ‘midst’.
‘A Message to God’ is a mighty imposing title; clearly the subject is important, something you’ve thought about deeply. No doubt this affected the manner in which you wanted to present it, which leads to the ‘heavy’ style.
The opening line is simply, ‘Vapourish Beauty’ and appears to be the subject to whom the poem is addressed; capital letter on both words making it a title, and since the poem is ‘A message to God’ this would make God and the Vapourish Beauty one and the same. Could be that my interpretation is wrong, if so I’m off on a wrong tack for the rest of the poem. The nearest idea that connects in my mind is The Holy Spirit, an element of The Trinity – vapourish maybe but invisible.
‘omniscient star’ is a good expression conjuring responses of great distances, of Space and knowledge beyond human comprehension. (Why the ‘ after star?). Why ‘did hone’ when ‘honed’ would do just as well?
‘Subservient digits’ excessively complicated, none the less effective.
‘pools of chaste essence’- picturesque, but why/what discriminant?
‘dids’t thou vouchsafe in beauteous vapour’ – you opened the poem with Vapourish Beauty, repetition is rarely good in a poem and here you are confusing the significance of the words. ‘dids’t thou’ and ‘vouchsafe’ rather belong to Shakespeare than the 21st century.
‘In earthly volution’ did the e slip off the front of evolution or should it have been volition?
Veins and red, raging rapids suggest to me blood and the racing of hearts and the pulse pounding.
At the end we come to, for me, the most striking expression in the poem ‘lucid as bone white clouds’ – I could wish that I had written that!
In the end, though, I am left uncertain as to the poems message ( to God ). The problem starts as early as ‘to strip her from . . .’ Who is ‘her’? Is she the ‘vapourish beauty’ – the object rather than the subject of the poem?
The second line introduces a question, which continues to the question mark after ‘life’s rain’, making all but the last two lines of the poem one sentence. Not necessarily wrong, but adding to the difficulty of understanding.
Back to the beginning, my impression is that your feeling for the subject weighed heavily and you got too seriously involved, wanting to make the language as mighty as the message. Even for a religious topic, you don’t have to revert to the language of the Authorised Version. Today’s language will do – and I don’t mean profanity. Your poem sings with lovely combinations of words; do you think you could juggle them again, keeping the clear message in mind as you write for the sake of less imaginative readers? Leslie
TM,
I wont add to the critique as Leslie's analysis is comprehensive
I think I have seen the influences at work here.
I couldnt help reflecting on some of the imagery - I recently started reading Stanislaw Lem novel - "Solaris" ...after having recently seen on DVD the George Clooney film " Solaris" .. and there were elements in there of the sentient ocean planet playing havoc with station members supressed memories : bringing them to life ( carbon copies) and the question of god came up as a flashback memory, how there are only choices and human life is just a probablity ( if i recall correctly )
im amazed at the synchronicity of this as i was thinking about it and here you are just having written a poem - bizarre
Its made me want to track down Tarkovsky version of Solaris - lol
cheers
Arco
I wont add to the critique as Leslie's analysis is comprehensive
I think I have seen the influences at work here.
I couldnt help reflecting on some of the imagery - I recently started reading Stanislaw Lem novel - "Solaris" ...after having recently seen on DVD the George Clooney film " Solaris" .. and there were elements in there of the sentient ocean planet playing havoc with station members supressed memories : bringing them to life ( carbon copies) and the question of god came up as a flashback memory, how there are only choices and human life is just a probablity ( if i recall correctly )
im amazed at the synchronicity of this as i was thinking about it and here you are just having written a poem - bizarre
Its made me want to track down Tarkovsky version of Solaris - lol
cheers
Arco
Is "Vapourish Beauty" the real title, the second title, the first line?
This is like coal calling a slightly tarnished kettle black, but, in the end, I don't know what it's about. I think it's about how/if a God permits evil. There is a lot of contrasting white with black, vapor with rain, spirit with flesh, etc...to ask something...am I right Tarkovsky?
- Caleb
This is like coal calling a slightly tarnished kettle black, but, in the end, I don't know what it's about. I think it's about how/if a God permits evil. There is a lot of contrasting white with black, vapor with rain, spirit with flesh, etc...to ask something...am I right Tarkovsky?
- Caleb
Thanks for preceding comments; I think I begin to see some daylight.
If 'Vapourish Beauty' is the object (i.e. on the receiving end of whatever action) then the rest of the poem is the interrogation of God - maybe as you say Pseud, enquiring why bad actions are permitted, damaging or destroying things of beauty.
If this is the case, that first line MUST be separated from what follows by punctuation of some kind, to make clear that the question is not directed at it. This would alter the character of the whole business. Oh what a difference a full-stop can make!
I still don't know what the 'Vapourish Beauty' is or how it ties in with what seems to be mortal blood rampaging through the veins.
Come on Tark, advance to the next stage. Leslie.
If 'Vapourish Beauty' is the object (i.e. on the receiving end of whatever action) then the rest of the poem is the interrogation of God - maybe as you say Pseud, enquiring why bad actions are permitted, damaging or destroying things of beauty.
If this is the case, that first line MUST be separated from what follows by punctuation of some kind, to make clear that the question is not directed at it. This would alter the character of the whole business. Oh what a difference a full-stop can make!
I still don't know what the 'Vapourish Beauty' is or how it ties in with what seems to be mortal blood rampaging through the veins.
Come on Tark, advance to the next stage. Leslie.
Where are you Tark? Hope we haven't put you off with the critiques. My feeling is you are at an early stage in your poetry writing and I very much expect that most of us tried too hard in our early efforts. Your poem contains much that is promising, vivid use of word combinations, ideas backed by serious thinking; I'd sincerely like to see it redone with its message easier to unravel. You are a poet, so come again. Best wishes, Leslie.