when I met you it came to my mind - the story
of an old hassid who believed that every word
he utters brings him closer to death.
the year was 1939.
september came along with its suddenness
sunburnt people were freezing on roadsides.
roads were raising clouds of dust and the dust was settling
on the little coachmen’s caps. fathers were holding horses’ reins
whereas mothers were holding the entire world
that a heart can embrace.
from the bird’s eye view they looked like sweat trickles
or a brook crossing the chapped ground.
aeroplanes play a meaningful part in this story
thus these shiny steel machines are worth
mentioning. so fast and damn agile.
going down and down.
amid this mad tumult
a hassid paid attention to things
that always seem to escape our notice.
he bent and passed a cap
to a little coachman. he took over the pageant thread
stepped on his belongings and spoke
for the first time since april.
suddenly -
a bullet fired to clear a riffle
cut the old man’s throat like a scalpel
and hit china raising alarm to the pageant.
why am I telling you all this stuff? – it’s like with words
that cut our throats but save our lives.
it must mean more than it seems.
otherwise each death is like a pageant in the sleepless night.
silentium
I'm not sure about the tenses in the first stanza - you might want to work entirely in the preterite. I like the use of "it" to begin with a short clause and then the later qualifier.makowski wrote:when I met you it came to my mind - the story
of an old hassid who believed that every word
he utters brings him closer to death.
the year was 1939.
september came along with its suddenness
sunburnt people were freezing on roadsides.
roads were raising clouds of dust and the dust was settling
on the little coachmen’s caps. fathers were holding horses’ reins
whereas mothers were holding the entire world
that a heart can embrace.
from the bird’s eye view they looked like sweat trickles
or a brook crossing the chapped ground.
aeroplanes play a meaningful part in this story
thus these shiny steel machines are worth
mentioning. so fast and damn agile.
going down and down.
amid this mad tumult
a hassid paid attention to things
that always seem to escape our notice.
he bent and passed a cap
to a little coachman. he took over the pageant thread
stepped on his belongings and spoke
for the first time since april.
suddenly -
a bullet fired to clear a riffle
cut the old man’s throat like a scalpel
and hit china raising alarm to the pageant.
why am I telling you all this stuff? – it’s like with words
that cut our throats but save our lives.
it must mean more than it seems.
otherwise each death is like a pageant in the sleepless night.
The second stanza seems choppy. How about "the sudden september saw sunburnt people...?" That has the added bonus of accentuating the sibilance. At the very least, consider omitting the "its" and possibly some of the verbs. If I were you, I would consider switching this entire portion of the poem into the present tense, to give it more immediacy. Also, is it really necessary for you to state the year? If so, can you find a way to work it in a little bit more gently?
I like the description of the chapped ground. However, the description of sweat trickles might not be the best one to use there - on one hand, it seems a little repulsive and on another hand entirely, a sweat trickle on the ground just doesn't seem quite right.
I'm not sure if I like your stepping out of the poem to point out to the reader that the planes are important. Just think about your choice there - I could go either way. Also, you may want to leave out some of those participles. My general rule of poetry, which I think you might benefit from, is that if a word can be left out without rendering the sentence utter nonsense, at least consider leaving it out.
"amid this mad tumult" is a bit too much of an authorial interjection for me - the reader can see that it's a mad tumult, if you've done your job as a poet. You don't need to explicitly point it out.
I see where you're trying to go with this poem and I think you have something worth working with. A couple major points, though. 1. I would strongly consider moving this whole thing into the present. 2. I'm not entirely sure who the auditor is supposed to be here - in the beginning I had a feeling you were talking to a lover, but at the end it seems more like you're talking to the readers. 3. Watch your tone - your tone is for the most part quite formal, but things like "damn" and "stuff" slip in and it breaks the mood. 4. Work on cutting out unnecessary words, especially your verbs. 5. The ending feels very jarring and contrived here. Can you find a more subtle way of putting it? It also feels very rushed. The poem moves extremely slowly then seems to race for closure, and it leaves the reader feeling disoriented.