Half a person

[camus]

My father haunts me most days, he’s my Picasso dread.
His face an oblique transcript, upon unsuspecting heads.

Today he was a croupier, dowdy-slick and cool,
Yesterday he was my mother, false teeth, wig an’ all.

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour, down the local hall
Cause bastards get 20% off, council tax an' all.

V2

My father haunts me most days, he’s my Picasso dread.
His face an oblique transcript - on unsuspecting heads.

Today he was a croupier, dowdy-slick and cool,
Yesterday he was my mother, false teeth, wig an’ all.

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour, down the local hall
Cause bastards get twenty off, council tax an' all.

V3

My father haunts me every day,
he’s my Picasso dread.

His face an oblique transcript,
upon unsuspecting heads.

Today he was a croupier
dowdy-slick and cool,

Yesterday he was my mother
false teeth, wig an’ all.

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour,
down the local hall,

Cause bastards get 20% off
council tax an' all.

[tryp]

Wow, this is really good. I wonder about replacing "upon" with "on" in the second line - it would carry the iambic rhythm better. I also love the allusion to Picasso - great image. About the last line - you might want to watch the rhythm there - the "twenty percent" breaks the rhythm a lot and it sounds a little jerky. Could you maybe just make it "twenty?" Just a thought. Overall, this is pretty good the way it is.

[camus]

thanks tryp, and welcome!

Yeh some ironing out to be done, sound suggestions, I'll work on em.

cheers
Kris

[Wabznasm]

Nice one Kris -

two thoughts from me:

His face an oblique transcript over unsuspecting heads.

and you should definitely get this back to

Cause bastards get 20% off, council tax an' all.

Dave

[juliadebeauvoir]

I see we have a split vote on "20 percent"--my take is that it sounds much better written as:

Cause bastards get twenty off, council tax an' all.

Or leave out "Cause" and end with "Bastards get twenty percent off, council tax an' all."

I think the problem is one too many words disrupts the flow.

The theme is terrific--how many times have lost family members/friends 'reappear' in the faces of other people. Part of the grieving process I suppose. Well done!

Cheers,
Kim

[Elphin]

Kris

A good read and for me one of the interesting aspects is I can't really decide if your ending is slightly comic or displays anger at being left. That's a good way to leave the reader.

i think the V2 "twenty" works best rhythmically and also because I don't think it benefits the poem for the reader to be concentrating too much on a precise value for the discount in the last line.

I think S2 and S3 have a better rhythm. It feels to me there is a syllable missing from each of the first lines. For example, these may not be the right words but the rhythm is better. Is it iambic?

My father haunts me every day, he’s my Picasso dread.
His face an oblique transcript upon unsuspecting heads

And finally to be really nit picking - each of the first lines has a different punctuation - period, comma, none - but I'm not sure there's any particular reason for them to be differrent. And a nit of nits, should it be ' Cause

There is a suppressed feeling in this that I do like.

Elphin

[emuse]

Kris I really like this. You've managed to paint quite a portrait in a small frame and it works. My thoughts here:

My father haunts me most days, he’s my Picasso dread. (I'm not sure I understand the syntax of
my Picasso dread. Is the N dreading Picasso or .... it's just under the tip of my mind--can't quite reach it.)
His face an oblique transcript, upon unsuspecting heads. (love this)

Today he was a croupier, dowdy-slick and cool,
Yesterday he was my mother, false teeth, wig an’ all. (wow what a surprise)

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour, down the local hall
Cause bastards get 20% off, council tax an' all.

All of this works for me. My only thought might be to modify the two an' alls. Perhaps change the word and keep the rhyme?

e

[barrie]

The last line doesn't work, Kris. Can't you use fractions instead of percentages -

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour, down the local hall
'Cause bastards get a one fifth discount, council tax an' all.

Just a thought

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Nice one - makes me think of the late great Ian Drury.

I'm with Barrie (almost):
either "cause bastards get a discount.."
or "cause bastards get a fifth off.." (to maintain the meter)

Sod's Law says that the percentages will all change in April, now that you've written, so don't forget to leave a footnote

Geoff

[camus]

Far be it from me to bump a poem (yeh right)

But I was sifting through, trying to organise some poems for my website and this came up.

So basically, thanks for the input, especially from Elphin, very helpful.

V3 is a couplet affair, I still haven't decided on the % issue, I think I'll leave as is and move on.

http://www.closetpoets.co.uk

cheers
Kris