Alignment (Semi-explicit, Gay)

[tryp]

I feel her fingers tracing out warm paths, sketching circles
on my back while my own cold hands, somehow steady and firm
trace her in return, closed eyes reflecting reds and purples
behind closed lids, dancing stars as I feel my body warm.

A puff of hot breath (noisy) escapes parted lips as I bend
that body towards her, fingers pressing hard bone behind soft flesh
arms legs feet intertwine as though skins might meld
and I am not thinking in rigid sonnet-lines, no thoughts coalesce

and I am not thinking that we are together only in this sense
and I do not mourn to know that we will not sip morning coffee
together but still I know I never meant
(when I was straight and above such things) to give in so to my biology

(far be it from me) I'd say with the casual sniff
of one who stands apart, contemplating.

[camus]

Seems similar in many ways to your sonnet?

A puff of hot breath (noisy) escapes parted lips as I bend - noisy why the bracket explanation? One would presume perhaps "A puff of hot breath" to be noisy in some respect?

"and I am not thinking in rigid sonnet-lines, no thoughts coalesce" - reeks of self referential naffness, but hey I am only one here. Others no doubt will prove me an idiot.

You obviously have a talent, and your crits are more than worthy, don't let me put you off, I'm a blunt-drunk-skunk.

cheers
Kris

[tryp]

Yeah, I worked on them at the same time, and they're both sonnets. Only real difference is that this one plays with slant rhyme more. And that it's supposed to be sexual, but I tend to have trouble with that sort of thing, so the difference may or may not be discernable. Thanks for your crits - both of them need a lot of work, I know