His hand on the blade of my shoulder, warm
rubs soothing circles as I cradle my arm
to my chest and shake, a huddled, quaking form.
"You did so well," he says, an incantation, subtle charm
to ease the weight of knowledge: I wasn't brave.
I wasn't good, but still he stayed
and promised me, softly, it'd be okay,
gave me that and then did it, holding my frayed
edges together as my hands and feet went numb
and cold, my vision blurred, leaving only his voice
to warm me, cradle me like the pressure of thumb
forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice
but to uncurl, look up, gasp convulsively
as if he were breathing the life back into me.
Sonnet
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camus
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Flows well to my ears and eyes.
I'm not one to comment on meter, so I stall on that one.
I would say I stumbled on a few lines, that maybe need re-punctuating?
"His hand on the blade of my shoulder, warm
rubs soothing circles as I cradle my arm" - perhaps a comma after rubs?
"to warm me, cradle me like the pressure of thumb
forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice" - again I think the second line needs punking.
Still, pleasant enough.
nice one
Kris
I'm not one to comment on meter, so I stall on that one.
I would say I stumbled on a few lines, that maybe need re-punctuating?
"His hand on the blade of my shoulder, warm
rubs soothing circles as I cradle my arm" - perhaps a comma after rubs?
"to warm me, cradle me like the pressure of thumb
forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice" - again I think the second line needs punking.
Still, pleasant enough.
nice one
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Some scansion :
His HAND on the BLADE of my SHOULder, WARM
RUBS SOOTHing CIRCles as I CRADle my ARM
to my CHEST and SHAKE, a HUDdled, QUAKing FORM.
"You DID so WELL," he SAYS, an incanTATion, SUBtle CHARM
to EASE the WEIGHT of KNOWedge: I WASn't BRAVE.
I WASn't GOOD, but STILL he STAYED
and PROMised ME, SOFTly, it'd BE Okay,
gave me that and then did it, holding my frayed
EDGes toGETHER as my HANDS and FEET WENT NUMB
and COLD, my VISion BLURRed, LEAVing ONly his VOICE
to WARM me, CRADle me like the PRESSure of THUMB
FOREFINGers PALM CIRcular SOOTHing LEAVing no CHOICE
but to unCURL, LOOK UP, GASP conVULSively
as if he WERE BREATHing the lLIFE back INto ME.
Dunno if that helps. Doesn't seem very regular though.
As for the content, it's rather harmless. SOme of the words that you use seem pretty typical for the love sonnet:
'blade of my shoulder' - an awkward, metred route to 'shoulder blade'?
'cradle'
'quaking form'
'to ease the weight of knowledge: I wasn't brave.' is awkwardly constricted. I would let the first part breathe a little more so the 'I wasn't brave' can seem a bit more logical and integral. Not just filler.
'vision blurred'
'cradle' twice?
'forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice' - doesn't really make much sense
The thing is, you don't seem to be saying much. It's a typical love thing. And, I'm sorry, it just doesn't grab me. This is about awkwardness then resolution through the coupling. And that doesn't strike me as terribly innovative. And I think one needs to be innovative with the sonnet, since it is supposedly a dying form and people need reason to keep it. It's pretty well delivered and controlled, and I was impressed with the pace of it (for the most, this seems to be at your own), but the content suffered.
Dunno if that helps?
Dave
His HAND on the BLADE of my SHOULder, WARM
RUBS SOOTHing CIRCles as I CRADle my ARM
to my CHEST and SHAKE, a HUDdled, QUAKing FORM.
"You DID so WELL," he SAYS, an incanTATion, SUBtle CHARM
to EASE the WEIGHT of KNOWedge: I WASn't BRAVE.
I WASn't GOOD, but STILL he STAYED
and PROMised ME, SOFTly, it'd BE Okay,
gave me that and then did it, holding my frayed
EDGes toGETHER as my HANDS and FEET WENT NUMB
and COLD, my VISion BLURRed, LEAVing ONly his VOICE
to WARM me, CRADle me like the PRESSure of THUMB
FOREFINGers PALM CIRcular SOOTHing LEAVing no CHOICE
but to unCURL, LOOK UP, GASP conVULSively
as if he WERE BREATHing the lLIFE back INto ME.
Dunno if that helps. Doesn't seem very regular though.
As for the content, it's rather harmless. SOme of the words that you use seem pretty typical for the love sonnet:
'blade of my shoulder' - an awkward, metred route to 'shoulder blade'?
'cradle'
'quaking form'
'to ease the weight of knowledge: I wasn't brave.' is awkwardly constricted. I would let the first part breathe a little more so the 'I wasn't brave' can seem a bit more logical and integral. Not just filler.
'vision blurred'
'cradle' twice?
'forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice' - doesn't really make much sense
The thing is, you don't seem to be saying much. It's a typical love thing. And, I'm sorry, it just doesn't grab me. This is about awkwardness then resolution through the coupling. And that doesn't strike me as terribly innovative. And I think one needs to be innovative with the sonnet, since it is supposedly a dying form and people need reason to keep it. It's pretty well delivered and controlled, and I was impressed with the pace of it (for the most, this seems to be at your own), but the content suffered.
Dunno if that helps?
Dave
Welcome to the forum, Tryp.
I'm afraid that, in my opinion, it fails as a sonnet - the rhythm is all over the place. In the first stanza you have a ten syllable line followed by two of eleven, and a final fourteen. The content was nothing new, with nothing said in a novel way.
I was also puzzled by -
forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice , but if you insert some punctuation it begins to make sense.
........... cradle me like the pressure of thumb,
forefingers, palm. Circular soothing leaving no choice
but to uncurl,.....
Never give up.
Barrie
I'm afraid that, in my opinion, it fails as a sonnet - the rhythm is all over the place. In the first stanza you have a ten syllable line followed by two of eleven, and a final fourteen. The content was nothing new, with nothing said in a novel way.
I was also puzzled by -
forefingers palm circular soothing leaving no choice , but if you insert some punctuation it begins to make sense.
........... cradle me like the pressure of thumb,
forefingers, palm. Circular soothing leaving no choice
but to uncurl,.....
Never give up.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Thanks guys 
I'm definitely not completely in love with this one myself - I keep it around because it has a few lines I like, but your critiques are mostly spot on. I'll definitely get on top of the metrical pattern, at least, and see where it goes from there.
I'm definitely not completely in love with this one myself - I keep it around because it has a few lines I like, but your critiques are mostly spot on. I'll definitely get on top of the metrical pattern, at least, and see where it goes from there.