Pre-Storm

[rasputin]

The moths find their moon, and

Orbit chaotically, as the last traces of late

Afternoon pollen dissolve into the

Air: heavy with perspiration and a thick sickness,

brought on by a lukewarm smoothie and one cigarette

too many.



Minor chords tease my nerves, violin

Strokes jut like blunt elbows:

I choke in a flood of green flies.



Freckles come out in the sun, and so

does most of London, eager to

steal a glimpse, and belch out their frustration.



and comments/suggestions?

atb
rasp.

[camus]

Ah yes, Summer in the City.

Your imagery certainly conjours up the feelings well.

Good read.

One point the first stanza reads as though the Moths are "Heavy with perspiration and a thick sickness"

[rasputin]

haha
oh dear..i didn't mean that..i'd better do a bit of punctuation shifting.

thanks a lot camus..
glad you liked it.

atb.

rasp.

[pseud]

many good images here. Loved the extra cigarette...Have you considered turning it into a train of haikus or blank verse?

Some of us abhor structure, others prefer it. Completely up to you.

One more thing:

atb = all the best?

- Caleb

[rasputin]

i havent as such but i shall..good idea pseudo..

cheers for input..

all the best?

i always thought of it as 'at the brink', but i guess so..
hehe

atb indeed

rasp.

[Thomas]

Good piece here also like the imagery.... Tom..

[rasputin]

cheers tom..

man i should really bite the bullet and start using emoticons at some point..


this fella's pretty cool

one thing, i know this might seem a bit pedantic, but

'catch' a glimpse, or 'steal' a glimpse?, which sounds better?

raps.

[Thomas]

Which sounds better? Mmmmm maybe steal a glimpse because it's more of a image word well it is to me any way LOL...

Or you could even try Capture a glimpse CAPTURE sounds better than catch maybe? SNEAK a glimpse perhaps....Only some thoughts it's your choice... Thanks Tom...

[rasputin]

'capture' i like, though i think it could interfere with the rhyme, as it sounds too much like 'eager'..

ile stick with 'steal'

thanks for the suggestions tom..

atb/

raps.