Broken Curtain Rail

[thoke]

Broken Curtain Rail

Bask in breath
and bear my beard
on young shoulders
draped in curtains,
diving into death.

Walls blink
with shadows of birds
at the fabric tide
of sweetness breached.

[Merlin]

Very interesting imagery explaining an uninteresting event - a broken curtain rail

You must have been sitting on the setee smoking some wacky backy, looking at the broken rail

No , seriously, it's simply done - but that's what's neat about it!

Bask in breath
and bear my beard
on young shoulders
draped in curtains,
diving into death. like this line

Walls blink
with shadows of birds
at the fabric tide
of sweetness breached. Nice end too

Can't really say much else... perhaps someone else , more adept than I can suggest improvements -

[thoke]

Thanks. This was actually supposed to be about a sexual fantasy, but I guess there isn't much evidence of that. Maybe I need to add some second-person pronouns.

Ben

[ccvulture]

It made me think of a crematorium's curtains ;-o

Nice little read though.

Cheers

Stuart

[Merlin]

Thanks. This was actually supposed to be about a sexual fantasy, but I guess there isn't much evidence of that. Maybe I need to add some second-person pronouns.

Ben

Now you have said it....I can see it in the poem, clearly

I am really worried now, coz sex is usually the first thing I notice....

[thoke]

Now you have said it....I can see it in the poem, clearly

Oh good. But do you think I need to make it slightly more explicit? I don't want people to think it's just about curtains.

Ben

[Merlin]

Wait to see what others think, ben...it may have been me being dumb. ....its clear now....

[barrie]

There are some good phrases here but they just add up to obscurity - I would have had no idea if you hadn't said what it was about. Even with your explanation, I still find it recondite. I'd enjoy your poems a lot better if they were more lucid.

Barrie