Take a Room

[Sarah D]

[deleted]

[Binz]

sorry sarah, this didn't really do it for me. It went on but didn't really go anywhere.

I think maybe stripping it down a bit may help; as suggested at viewtopic.php?f=25&t=31 "cut out every word you dare"

Binz

[Merlin]

Some great lines and imagery ....however, I think there are at least 3, possibly 4 stand alone poems here...

For instance, the first verse; is a poem which can stand alone!

I get older,
They get younger.
Inside the rough awkwardness
Of sequins and coloured fabric bows,
I hide my tired, sore and
Bony toes.
I paint my face,
Colour my hair,
Still I am unlovable,
Bitter...Bitterer...
Bite you.
I will.

Would sure cut back....or split them....

[Elphin]

Sarah

I think Merlin has a point. The first stanza is interesting and with some polish could stand alone. The rest I have to confess I lost interest although I'll be the first to say that rambling style isn't my cup of tea and others may have a different view.

Sorry

Elphin

[David]

Sarah

I think Merlin has a point. The first stanza is interesting and with some polish could stand alone. The rest I have to confess I lost interest although I'll be the first to say that rambling style isn't my cup of tea and others may have a different view.

Yep. I do, although I usually I find I agree with Legless in his critical judgments. I think it's excellent. If there is not an awful lot, if not too much, of you, in here, Sarah, it's an astonishing piece of heartfelt ventriloquism.

Personally I think it's all you. And it's very good. I'm not picking any individual bits out, and I won't say it all coheres beautifully, but I definitely see it as all one poem - maybe like a symphony, with three or four different movements.

Where I won't say I disagree with the others is that, if it were more concentrated, less diffuse, it might be more potent, but it's potent enough. A very good read, some great lines, and I think we know where you (I think it's you) are coming from.

Cheers

David

[Sarah D]

Thanks guys. This feedback is very detailed and helpful.

[ccvulture]

I'm of the "too rambling" view on this one. I do like some of the lines, but too much of it feels like a first dab of an experimental paintbrush. Or the tentative paw of a puppy at the water's edge. I would like to see the puppy plunge in and swim from one shore to the other.

Stuart

[Oskar]

Sarah

I keep returning to this one. I really rate it. All rather painful though. I hope your poem isn't autobiographical.

S1 is excellent. An actress putting on costume for another tired performance. Who'd be a tarnished trophy wife?
S2 A continuation of the theme of slow decay and loneliness. I like what you've done with the line break at the end of the stanza

Find myself wanting.
Love.

but should that full stop be there at the end of wanting? It interrupts the flow of the sentiment that you are trying to convey. Get rid of it and wanting acquires greater subtlety when read.

Also, don't feel obliged to begin every new line with a capital letter. It's not always necessary or appropriate.

Maybe you can afford to cut

Hungry for youth
Hungry for age
Hungry for joy,
Though, more for the pain,
If she's honest.
The Unsatisfied.
Pisses on now
And marvels at
'How clever he is.'

It doesn't seem to add anything to the piece IMO.

Once you have introduced the villain of the peace, the heart monitor seems to assume an erratic pattern from stanza to stanza - which I like very much.

Oh to beee,
Not just anyone...
Him.
See, he knows people, what know people, what know...
What?

Loved this. Completely off-road. Liked the next three stanzas too. You've got all sorts of emotions and textures in them. Wonderful.
However, the poem seems to run out of fizz in the last two stanzas. I don't think you should have conceded the end of the poem to him. Surely Our Lady of the Swirling Sink Water needs to rescue herself? That would be a much better ending. You deserve alot of credit for what you have achieved in this poem. A belated welcome to the forum from me.

[David]

Thanks guys. This feedback is very detailed and helpful. Originally the idea was to reflect the discordant and contradictory thoughts and feelings of a few very different people in one room, how they react to one another etc. However, this proved to be a very hard task, because of course these are all my perceptions and interpretations of people.

So this is streams of consciousness. Very interesting. I don't think it's apparent without further signposting, though. And signposting can often be rather intrusive.

I think that's a lovely generous crit you've got from Oskar, and I'm inclined to agree with him. Good work.

Cheers

David