More of an idea that a finished draft, so any crit would be appreciated.
The Souks
Rich steam suffused with smoke from
burnt jasmine, fruit tobacco, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk.
Figures in black floor length robes
drift towards cover, linens flapping in
a heavy breeze behind them.
The air promises the rain they want.
A chill, then a light sheath of
cool sweat escapes the centre of my warm
back. Stealthily, it spreads.
I must be sick. I’ve started
dreaming you again. From an cave in a
feverish mind you emerge,
Arms curving outwards as you struggle.
I pick you up in the gleaming surfaces of silver tea trays.
Within the intricate weaves of silk carpets you appear.
By the shelves of fake Converse you vanish.
I must be sick.
The Souks
Sarah, Would you like to catch up with the required crits - this was mentioned when you first posted. You have four poems to date and just six crits. I think you've done quite well with the number of crits you've received, but it should work both ways. To keep the forum going we need people do do their fair share of crits, not just the basic minimum and certainly not less. I think it's time to give a little back.
cheers
Barrie
cheers
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
The first verse sets a very aromatic scene - brings back memories. I like the second verse - no wasted words or fancy phrases, just a simple sentence that produces an instant image.
The air promises the rain they want. - Good idea to keep this line seperate.
Hallucinations in tea trays and weaves of silk - They sell some good stuff over there, cheap too.
From an cave in a
feverish mind you emerge,
Arms curving outwards as you struggle. - This reminded me of the Orpheus and Eurydice thing in reverse.(You should never have looked back).
Not so sure about - By the shelves of fake Converse you vanish. - Converse rather spoils the setting, ruins the 'mysterious eastern' atmosphere. Pops the bubble, so to speak - Although, maybe that was your intention.
Good poem
Barrie
re: fake Converse - This is Turkey, is it?
The air promises the rain they want. - Good idea to keep this line seperate.
Hallucinations in tea trays and weaves of silk - They sell some good stuff over there, cheap too.
From an cave in a
feverish mind you emerge,
Arms curving outwards as you struggle. - This reminded me of the Orpheus and Eurydice thing in reverse.(You should never have looked back).
Not so sure about - By the shelves of fake Converse you vanish. - Converse rather spoils the setting, ruins the 'mysterious eastern' atmosphere. Pops the bubble, so to speak - Although, maybe that was your intention.
Good poem
Barrie
re: fake Converse - This is Turkey, is it?
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
Sarah,
Have printed this off and will come back to it later. nice to have met you, belatedly.
dogged
Have printed this off and will come back to it later. nice to have met you, belatedly.
dogged
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
-
dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
Rich steam suffused with smoke from -how is steam rich? is this to do with the smells, I take it.
burnt jasmine, fruit tobacco, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk.
With the second line, found it a bit cluttered but wasn't sure what the little list added to it!?Unless you're emphasizing the clutteredness of the souk
Figures in black floor length robes - I do like this, but how about robes the length of the floor-as if they aren't separate
drift towards cover, linens flapping in
a heavy breeze behind them.
The air promises the rain they want. -this is too positive for me-I would want it sweating like you
A chill, then a light sheath of
cool sweat escapes the centre of my warm
back. Stealthily, it spreads. -like this-reminded me of illness right away.
I must be sick. I’ve started
dreaming you again. From an cave in a
feverish mind you emerge,
Arms curving outwards as you struggle.-this reminded me of drowning straight off, wasn't sure whose arms, probably too obvious for me!!
I pick you up in the gleaming surfaces of silver tea trays-how about 'on' ?
Within the intricate weaves of silk carpets you appear.
By the shelves of fake Converse you vanish.-lost on me, this bit, but I assume4d you didn't mean talking!!
I must be sick.
I didn't get any romance from this, but I think that that says a lot about me....thanks for that Sarah. Sorry notes a bit disjointed.
dodgydog
burnt jasmine, fruit tobacco, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk.
With the second line, found it a bit cluttered but wasn't sure what the little list added to it!?Unless you're emphasizing the clutteredness of the souk
Figures in black floor length robes - I do like this, but how about robes the length of the floor-as if they aren't separate
drift towards cover, linens flapping in
a heavy breeze behind them.
The air promises the rain they want. -this is too positive for me-I would want it sweating like you
A chill, then a light sheath of
cool sweat escapes the centre of my warm
back. Stealthily, it spreads. -like this-reminded me of illness right away.
I must be sick. I’ve started
dreaming you again. From an cave in a
feverish mind you emerge,
Arms curving outwards as you struggle.-this reminded me of drowning straight off, wasn't sure whose arms, probably too obvious for me!!
I pick you up in the gleaming surfaces of silver tea trays-how about 'on' ?
Within the intricate weaves of silk carpets you appear.
By the shelves of fake Converse you vanish.-lost on me, this bit, but I assume4d you didn't mean talking!!
I must be sick.
I didn't get any romance from this, but I think that that says a lot about me....thanks for that Sarah. Sorry notes a bit disjointed.
dodgydog
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
Sarah
I think you have the core of a good idea here. I like the romantic bubble bursting around the fake goods, although I have to say I didn't know what Converse was (says more about me than anything) and wonder about something more recognisable e.g. Prada, chanel, Rolex. You do mention that this is an early draft so here are a few ideas for you to take or leave.
the first stanza evokes the aroma of the souk. A couple of ideas - by dropping some words you could really play on sibilant sounds . For example
Steam suffused with smoke
from burnt jasmine, shishas, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk.
I presume the fruit tobacco was from the hubba pipes or shishas.
I would then have the steam wrap around the figures in the black robes so for example
Steam suffused with smoke
from burnt jasmine, shishas, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk
caresses black floor length robes
drifting toward cover .... etc
Caress is a bit cliched but you get my drift.
Next stanza, maybe have he chill cooling the sweat rather than the sweat being cool.
Wonder why "a" feverish mind. Perhaps keep it personal with "my".
Arms should be lower case to carry on from emerge,
Pick you up seems such a boring phrase. I can't think right now but there must be a better way of putting it. In fact I think generally the ideas in this stanza are good - the glimpse in the silver trays, hidden in the intricate weaves but gone with the Gucci - but it would be worth spending a bit of time on the wording. As it stands its three bang bang bang sentences that need some subtlety and weaving - hope that makes sense.
Good poem - worth working on
Elphin
I think you have the core of a good idea here. I like the romantic bubble bursting around the fake goods, although I have to say I didn't know what Converse was (says more about me than anything) and wonder about something more recognisable e.g. Prada, chanel, Rolex. You do mention that this is an early draft so here are a few ideas for you to take or leave.
the first stanza evokes the aroma of the souk. A couple of ideas - by dropping some words you could really play on sibilant sounds . For example
Steam suffused with smoke
from burnt jasmine, shishas, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk.
I presume the fruit tobacco was from the hubba pipes or shishas.
I would then have the steam wrap around the figures in the black robes so for example
Steam suffused with smoke
from burnt jasmine, shishas, roasting meat,
rises from a cluttered souk
caresses black floor length robes
drifting toward cover .... etc
Caress is a bit cliched but you get my drift.
Next stanza, maybe have he chill cooling the sweat rather than the sweat being cool.
Wonder why "a" feverish mind. Perhaps keep it personal with "my".
Arms should be lower case to carry on from emerge,
Pick you up seems such a boring phrase. I can't think right now but there must be a better way of putting it. In fact I think generally the ideas in this stanza are good - the glimpse in the silver trays, hidden in the intricate weaves but gone with the Gucci - but it would be worth spending a bit of time on the wording. As it stands its three bang bang bang sentences that need some subtlety and weaving - hope that makes sense.
Good poem - worth working on
Elphin