REVISED
What if, in this place, I should meet all mankind
and each of us correspond to a stereotype?
What if I should find, while seeking my cappuccino,
corridors where Aussie backpackers crash,
forcing a hop then a skip over a flip-flopped Filipino
scampering from the path of a white dish dash?
What if Mister Das as he shakes my hand,
should also shake his head as an affirmation?
Why does his demand to be treated as whiter than white
embarrass me into a nervous snigger
at misspoken colloquialisms, and then feel contrite
at his success in making my baggage bigger?
Travel should broaden the mind, not unzip
my hold-all of prejudice packed for the trip.
“dish dash” – the full length shirt, often white, worn by desert Arabs
ORIGINAL
What if, in this one place, I should meet all mankind
and each of us corresponds to a stereotype?
What if I should find while sipping my cappuccino,
corridors where Aussie backpackers crash
forcing me to step, to miss a flip-flopped Filipino
scampering from the path of a white dish dash?
What if Mister Das as he shakes my hand
should also shake his head as an affirmation?
Why does his demand to be treated as whiter than white
embarrass me into a nervous snigger
at his casually misquoted colloquialisms and then contrite
as he succeeds in making my baggage bigger?
Travel should broaden my mind, not unzip
this case of prejudices that I’ve packed for the trip.
Dubai Airport
Good poem. I like the idea and love the final couplet, and the rhymes are all rather clever and neat (I'd like to see the first lines of each stanza incorporated into the rhyme scheme though).
I found the train of thought a little hard to follow in places. Are you wandering around while sipping your cappuccino? Seems odd, but you must be if the Aussies are "forcing me to step". Then it gets more confusing in lines 8 and 9 - we seem to move from a hypothetical "what if" to something which is actually happening. If it is actually happening, I suggest dropping the third "what if": "Mr Das as he shakes my hand / also shakes etc". Reinforces that your prejudice is borne out.
Line 11 - "and then contrite" - not clear if it's you or Mr Das who is contrite. Also, I think it needs to be "grow contrite" or "become contrite" or something.
A few small suggestions:
- delete "one" from l1
- the subjunctive mood means the infitive "correspond" is correct in l2 (no 's')
- comma after "find" in l3 and "crash" in l4
- replace "step, to miss" with "avoid" or "dodge" in l5
- don't understand "white dish dash" in l6; what is a dish dash? Perhaps clarify in the poem, unless I'm being dense.
- "misspoken" seems more apt than "misquoted" in l11. He's not really quoting. How about just "lax colloquialisms"? Shortens a rather unwieldy line.
- don't understand why or how Mr Das is making your baggage bigger. Is he using you as some kind of mule? I didn't have Dubai down as a big narcotics transshipment location. Wait, is he giving you a "gift", despite being whiter than white? I still think it's a bit too oblique the way you put it.
I found the train of thought a little hard to follow in places. Are you wandering around while sipping your cappuccino? Seems odd, but you must be if the Aussies are "forcing me to step". Then it gets more confusing in lines 8 and 9 - we seem to move from a hypothetical "what if" to something which is actually happening. If it is actually happening, I suggest dropping the third "what if": "Mr Das as he shakes my hand / also shakes etc". Reinforces that your prejudice is borne out.
Line 11 - "and then contrite" - not clear if it's you or Mr Das who is contrite. Also, I think it needs to be "grow contrite" or "become contrite" or something.
A few small suggestions:
- delete "one" from l1
- the subjunctive mood means the infitive "correspond" is correct in l2 (no 's')
- comma after "find" in l3 and "crash" in l4
- replace "step, to miss" with "avoid" or "dodge" in l5
- don't understand "white dish dash" in l6; what is a dish dash? Perhaps clarify in the poem, unless I'm being dense.
- "misspoken" seems more apt than "misquoted" in l11. He's not really quoting. How about just "lax colloquialisms"? Shortens a rather unwieldy line.
- don't understand why or how Mr Das is making your baggage bigger. Is he using you as some kind of mule? I didn't have Dubai down as a big narcotics transshipment location. Wait, is he giving you a "gift", despite being whiter than white? I still think it's a bit too oblique the way you put it.
fine words butter no parsnips
I enjoyed this one but a few confusions arose - I always like to picture a setting, but the Aussie backpackers/Filipino bit left a blank. I thought you were stepping carefully to miss the sleeping Aussies, but it turned out to be a Filipino you were avoiding - confusing. What's a dish dash?
I don't mind the second 'What if', but maybe you need a comma after Das and hand. k-j is bang on with his comments on L11 - Try saying all that after a couple of jars of dark! - and you do need a verb with contrite.
I took the line about him making your baggage bigger to mean he added to your prejudices.
I would say lines 3-6 need clarification.
A good poem, the final couplet really wrapped it up.
Barrie
I don't mind the second 'What if', but maybe you need a comma after Das and hand. k-j is bang on with his comments on L11 - Try saying all that after a couple of jars of dark! - and you do need a verb with contrite.
I took the line about him making your baggage bigger to mean he added to your prejudices.
I would say lines 3-6 need clarification.
A good poem, the final couplet really wrapped it up.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
This is a cool poem with a great finishing couplet (but, maybe ... well, see below). As a fellow traveller to Dubai and Abu Dhabi as well, my main memory is the contrast between the air-conditioned interior and the crashing oven-like heat outside!!
dedalus
PS The last two lines wrap up the poem. The content is spot-on, but what about tweaking the rhythm?
-- my carry-all of prejudice packed for the trip.
-- prejudices carefully packed for the trip.
Just a suggestion ......
dedalus
PS The last two lines wrap up the poem. The content is spot-on, but what about tweaking the rhythm?
Travel should broaden the mind, not unzipTravel should broaden my mind, not unzip
this case of prejudices that I’ve packed for the trip.
-- my carry-all of prejudice packed for the trip.
-- prejudices carefully packed for the trip.
Just a suggestion ......
Excellent crits from each of you. Many thanks.
kj - most of your suggestions found their way in to the revision. Very helpful. As barrie said it was emotional baggage - no drugs involved. Dish dash explanation now added as footnote. On the rhyming scheme, I decided to play with it and have the rhyme for l1 in the middle of l3 in each verse.
barrie - hope l3-l6 make more sense. The setting is that there are people lying everywhere - it takes a hop and a skip for a chap to get his cappucino!! Still not entirely happy with that line - your suggestions welcome. Following on from the recent Wab pieces - despite the rhyming scheme do these 14 lines qualify as a sonnet??
ded - took up your change to the final couplet. I have spent a lot of time travelling to both Dubai and Abu dhabi - the heat in August literally takes your breath away. They are both places where all cultures are represented.
Thanks once again
Elphin
kj - most of your suggestions found their way in to the revision. Very helpful. As barrie said it was emotional baggage - no drugs involved. Dish dash explanation now added as footnote. On the rhyming scheme, I decided to play with it and have the rhyme for l1 in the middle of l3 in each verse.
barrie - hope l3-l6 make more sense. The setting is that there are people lying everywhere - it takes a hop and a skip for a chap to get his cappucino!! Still not entirely happy with that line - your suggestions welcome. Following on from the recent Wab pieces - despite the rhyming scheme do these 14 lines qualify as a sonnet??
ded - took up your change to the final couplet. I have spent a lot of time travelling to both Dubai and Abu dhabi - the heat in August literally takes your breath away. They are both places where all cultures are represented.
Thanks once again
Elphin
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Elph,
Personally I found the poem rather twee, especially in light of the recent drug busts.
Perhaps bad timing, but as a topical poem it could have been harder hitting.
Snigger and bigger cry out for the word nigger - perhaps not.
cheers
Kris
Personally I found the poem rather twee, especially in light of the recent drug busts.
Perhaps bad timing, but as a topical poem it could have been harder hitting.
Snigger and bigger cry out for the word nigger - perhaps not.
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Elph,
Just a quick pre-hangover comment:
Some critics say poetry shouldn't be rhymed if it isn't in accentual-metre. I'm out on that at the moment, but it's something to keep in mind. And, even if that's a small thing, a lot of those critics would undoubtedly say sonnets should especially be iambic pent. But again, I'm out on that. This is 2008 after all.
One of the more important things of the sonnet, the volta, is here - and it has 14 lines - so I'd say it's a sonnet, yeah.
More detailed stuff tomorrow morn.
Dave
Just a quick pre-hangover comment:
Some critics say poetry shouldn't be rhymed if it isn't in accentual-metre. I'm out on that at the moment, but it's something to keep in mind. And, even if that's a small thing, a lot of those critics would undoubtedly say sonnets should especially be iambic pent. But again, I'm out on that. This is 2008 after all.
One of the more important things of the sonnet, the volta, is here - and it has 14 lines - so I'd say it's a sonnet, yeah.
More detailed stuff tomorrow morn.
Dave
I think this is an excellent poem and I really enjoyed it . The baggage metaphor is clever and not too obvious. While the first version of the couplet seemed a little clumsy, the second is really tight and makes a great ending.
Two things:
1. and each of us correspond to a stereotype? - maybe a bit 'ploddy' for want of a better word or too many syllables. What about just 'each of us a stereotype', which you would automatically have to correspond to, to be a stereotype...
2. Was just curious about why you chose to use questions i.e.
What if, in this place, I should meet all mankind
and each of us correspond to a stereotype?
What if I should find, while seeking my cappuccino,
corridors where Aussie backpackers crash...
instead of
In this place, I meet all mankind
each of us a stereotype.
While seeking my cappuccino, I find
Corridors where Aussie backpackers crash...etc
Two things:
1. and each of us correspond to a stereotype? - maybe a bit 'ploddy' for want of a better word or too many syllables. What about just 'each of us a stereotype', which you would automatically have to correspond to, to be a stereotype...
2. Was just curious about why you chose to use questions i.e.
What if, in this place, I should meet all mankind
and each of us correspond to a stereotype?
What if I should find, while seeking my cappuccino,
corridors where Aussie backpackers crash...
instead of
In this place, I meet all mankind
each of us a stereotype.
While seeking my cappuccino, I find
Corridors where Aussie backpackers crash...etc