Predators

[arunansu]

Edited :-

A dragonfly
waits motionless on his
lookout post -

a military helicopter,
all set for a sortie.

I meditate
to find suitable words
for my verse,

yet have no multifaceted eyes
as yours, no spines on legs
to scoop out fresh ideas
from fleeting thoughts.

So I will feed on you, instead;
the clean paper will peek through
your flimsy wings.

You may, in turn,
hold me inert
in your firm grip.

My wingless images

will be falling prey

to the fierce jaws
of a dragonfly.


Original :-

One dragonfly
sits motionless on his
lookout post, much like
a military helicopter,

all set for a sortie.

I meditate
to find suitable words
for my verse,

yet have no multifaceted eyes
as yours, no spines on legs
to scoop out fresh ideas
from fleeting thoughts.

So I will feed on you, instead;
the clean paper will peek through
your flimsy wings.

You may, in turn,
hold me inert
in your firm grip.

My wingless images

will be falling prey

to the fierce jaws
of a dragonfly.

[barrie]

This is excellent, your best poem yet. There are a couple of niggles in the first half of the poem - it's mainly a trimming of excess words

One dragonfly

much like...

yet have no - could be

A dragonfly
waits motionless on his
lookout post -

a military helicopter,
all set for a sortie.

and

I have no multifaceted eyes,
no spines on legs
to scoop out fresh ideas
from fleeting thoughts.

I really enjoyed this, and would like to move this one to Experienced - it deserves it. If that's OK with you, and none of the other mods have objections, I'll move it this evening (my time).

Very impressive

Barrie

[arunansu]

Thank you so much Barry, I have edited according to your suggestions. I feel honoured that you have found this piece good enough for the "Experience" section. Do go on.
Cheers.

[Lake]

This is great. I too like the part Barrie picked as well as the revised. A gripping opening with sharp imagery.

Enjoyed it very much!
Lake

[dedalus]

Deceptively simple, and the central message is enhanced thanks to the clear imagery. Also, the opening lines in the newer version are far better than in the original.

[emuse]

I love this. A real gem. One I wish I'd written.

e

[Sarah D]

This is a really lovely poem - 'poetic' in the best sense of the word. Its tone reminds me of a piece by Virginia Woolf called 'The Fly' or something similar, where she describes watching a trapped insect die. Simple, but effective.

Sarah.

[Tinfoil]

Both versions of the poem are really good, both having beautiful and clear imagery, though the edited version seems more natural.

[Binz]

No crit to add (on the revised version), just wanted to say I really liked this one.

B

[TDF]

I really want to say something more than 'I like it for all the reasons everyone else has said they like it', so I will try.
The choice of language and flow is composed very well, with some clear and apt imagery. I do prefer the revised opening, but I'm going to throw another combo into the mix.
I would like to emphasise the dragonflys patient, focused and lonely wait... and beef him up a little - to match the 'fierce jaws' (a great line). Maybe something like:

A dragonfly
waits,
sentinal still,
perched motionless.

A bristling gunship,
all set for a sortie.

*shrug* just a thought.

Great poem as it is though, definitely deserving of the experienced forum. keep em coming!
TDF

[oranggunung]

Hi Aru

This is a beautiful piece and worthy of the promotion.

I had a couple of ideas regarding flow.


a military helicopter,
all set for a sortie.

Is it possible to delete the comma and the word ‘all’? The line break creates a pause, but the comma seems to overstress that break.


So I will feed on you, instead;

Leaving aside the punctuation, as I keep having different ideas for this section, would you feel happy about contracting “I will” into “I’ll”? This would prevent the repetition of the word on the following line, but would also help the poem flow a little more smoothly through its central idea.


to the fierce jaws
of a dragonfly.

I can see the attraction of the word dragonfly being repeated at the beginning and the end, but don’t believe it is necessary. I think ending …

to your fierce jaws.

[tab][tab][/tab][/tab]…would work just as well.


will be falling prey

how about ‘shall’ instead of ‘will’ to steer clear of repetition?

I’d prefer ‘fall’ instead of ‘be falling’, but that’s a grammatical issue.


One conceptual problem

the clean paper will peek through
your flimsy wings.

My literal mind has problems with this image. I understand its meaning and yet it troubles me. The verb ‘peek’ is the major culprit imo. Unfortunately, I don’t have any suitable alternatives.


Sorry if this doesn’t sound as wholeheartedly positive as some of the other replies. I do like it. However, as it’s in Experienced, I thought I’d dig a little deeper.


a good read

og

[beautifulloser]

Hi Arunansu

Liked this, very soft and easy . . . .

Definately your best, English is your second language isn't it? Think you've done a god job here. For what it's worth, you're quite open in your poetry about finding the words, I like that, inspiration doesn't always come easy but you seem to explore that in your poetry which always gives your poetry a very "you" sort of feel about it, which for me is a postive . . .

I think it's much better with Barrie's suggestion, less is more sometimes and congratulations as I know you've really persevered at it, and the result is worth it!

Onwards and upwards to better things, you've set the bar now, nicely done.

Beau
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