Muzzy Head (+1 redraft)

[TDF]

New to the forums and very impressed with, not only the quality of work i have read, but also the attitude, input and critique of replies.

So here is my first offering to the wolves. Just hope this poem is deemed good enough to be in this section.
Dedicated to all those stuck in an office early on a Monday morning...

original:
Muzzy head, wedged fluffy,
fuzzy, eyelids heavy.
Need matchsticks and coffee.
Through eyelash blur
these tired pupils, dull flickering blind,
hide behind stifled yawns.
Slowly formed,
by boredom.

Drift of gaze, through hazy squints unfocused,
jellied thoughts congeal,
feel distant, white-washed, vague.
A world away,
a day dream.
I’m up it seems, but still in bed,
this muzzy head, wedged fluffy
with eyelids heavy.
Need matchsticks and coffee.


first redraft:
Muzzy head, wedged fluffy,
fuzzy, eyelids heavy.
Instant coffee
halitosis.
Drift of gaze through hazy squints unfocused,
jellied thoughts congeal.
reveal the vista of gamma squares
with key-clatter reminder.

Tepid pupils stoic hide
behind the dull flickering blind
of eyelash blur,
to stir the hand-cupped stifled yawns,
that slowly grow
to excelled forms.
Feel distant, white-washed, vague.
The morning norm.


Any thoughts/critiques appreciated. I have a few ideas myself as to how I might edit it for a second draft, but thought I'd sound it out first.
TDF

[camus]

Initial thoughts:

A lack of connecting words and quite tired use of the coffee/matchsticks dare I say it - cliches.

I guess that's what you had in mind, random fuzzy thoughts, and to that end I guess it works, but also lacks erm...something to grab a hold of.

Plus I'm not overly keen on the whole Bobby Ewing, am I dreaming type approach.

Not for me sir, but that's just my opinion.

I'm sure you'll receive more indepth crit, I'm not very good at that.

cheers
Kris

[Sarah D]

Hello,

I like the first 2 lines:

Muzzy head, wedged fluffy,
fuzzy, eyelids heavy. - it's like you've made up words and meanings. Also, it's hard to read, which reflects the mood/feeling you're trying to convey.

Some images would benefit from being more precise:

these tired pupils, dull flickering blind,
hide behind stifled yawns. - don't see how this one works...hiding behind raised hands that try to stifle the yawn maybe?

Slowly formed,
by boredom. - personally, I'd prefer it if the yawn came suddenly and then that makes it harder to stifle.

distant, white-washed, vague. - I liked. Felt exactly like that the other morning actually.

I’m up it seems, but still in bed, - could this be jazzed up? Seems a bit obvious...

Thanks

Sarah

[barrie]

There are too many overused phrases here for my liking - Kris pointed out the matchsticks and coffeee, but tired pupils, stifled yawns, a world away, daydream , are all everyday phrases - you need more originality.
Looking at it from another angle, you could argue that the poem works because of the phrases you used - tired and muzzy.
Your originality will probably have more of a chance to shine when it's risen above this 'monday morning' horizon.

Welcome to the forum

Barrie

[TDF]

Great thoughts, thanks guys.

Interestingly most are in the areas I was thinking of evolving this, so that is good.

I know that a lot of the phrases are maybe to common to really raise thi poem up. I guess my intention was to use relatively simple and common phrases to reflect the simple state my mind was in... or rather my mind couldn't think of anything beyond such phrases at the time. This is the same reason for the repetition of the matchsticks and coffee. After trying to make sense of things that is all my brain can think about.

But yes, I think i will look at alternate phrases and words for some of them in order to individualise the poem further.

I shall put my thinking cap on and come back with a revision.

Thanks again.

[TDF]

okay so I have done a redraft, following the first feedback.

I've changed it really quite drastically. I started to remove 'weaker' words and such, but it kinda evolved from there. Plus I introduced a few new ideas I had been considering, plus maybe a touch of humour, so in the end the whole thing altered structure and content noticeably - although I tried to keep things I liked from the original obviously.

I'm not totally convinced by it yet, but I think i like where it is going... the process is fun if nothing else.

So, thanks for the feedback so far, would love some more on the redraft. I posted in the OP.

TDF