REVISION 2
With little enthusiasm, we settle to view
the retelling of the old, old story.
Naturally, I know how it ends:
hands tied, pretending to be crucified.
Read the book, I tell my son
it’s like Lord of the Rings,
good and evil,
except this book is much better
than the film.
REVISION
With little enthusiasm, we settled to view
the retelling of the old, old story.
Naturally, I know how it ends;
hands tied, pretending to be crucified.
Read the book, I tell my son
it’s like Lord of the Rings, good and evil,
except this book is much better
than the film.
Any thoughts on the title becoming Passion(less)?
ORIGINAL
Without much enthusiasm, we settled to view
the retelling of the old, old story.
The trouble is I know how it ends;
hands tied pretending to be crucified.
Read the book, I tell my son
it’s like Lord of the Rings, good and evil,
and the book is much better
than the film.
Passion
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
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Elphin
How intriguing, a dispassionate poem about the Passion.
The trouble is I know how it ends;
This doesn’t seem to be an appropriate start to the second sentence, as we already know the narrator is unenthusiastic. I wonder if there’s a more natural substitution for “the trouble is”
Obviously … ?
Naturally … ?
Disappointingly … ?
Sadly … ?
hands tied pretending to be crucified.
is this punctuated correctly? Should there be a comma after tied?
and the book is much better
a small point, I feel a ‘but’ would be better than an ‘and’
but the book is much better.
That would serve to enhance the endorsement, imo.
I like the simplicity, the calm domestic setting and the images of patient parental guidance. The religious references weren’t lost on me either.
og
How intriguing, a dispassionate poem about the Passion.
The trouble is I know how it ends;
This doesn’t seem to be an appropriate start to the second sentence, as we already know the narrator is unenthusiastic. I wonder if there’s a more natural substitution for “the trouble is”
Obviously … ?
Naturally … ?
Disappointingly … ?
Sadly … ?
hands tied pretending to be crucified.
is this punctuated correctly? Should there be a comma after tied?
and the book is much better
a small point, I feel a ‘but’ would be better than an ‘and’
but the book is much better.
That would serve to enhance the endorsement, imo.
I like the simplicity, the calm domestic setting and the images of patient parental guidance. The religious references weren’t lost on me either.
og
Yes, I watched it too. Same old thing except everywhere seems much drier (except the bath-house). I'd like to see a film made of Robert Graves' King Jesus - that would ruffle a few feathers.
You could say the second verse is an understatement but it sums it all up quite nicely. I wasn't too impressed by your opening -
Without much enthusiasm - Why not just use Indifferent?
Indifferent, we settled to view... - (Passionless, we settled....)
that was the only nit.
Yes, I like it.
Barrie
You could say the second verse is an understatement but it sums it all up quite nicely. I wasn't too impressed by your opening -
Without much enthusiasm - Why not just use Indifferent?
Indifferent, we settled to view... - (Passionless, we settled....)
that was the only nit.
Yes, I like it.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
I think that this is a quiet riot, far more overturning than it first seems. i enjoyed it-but is the tone boredom rather than indifferent? i think it had a nice domestic feel to it, too, an intimacy you don't get in Tales About Life.
thank you
Jacq
thank you
Jacq
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
Compromise - With bored indifference we settled to viewdogofdiogenes wrote: i enjoyed it-but is the tone boredom rather than indifferent?
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Og/barrie/dog of d - many thanks for your input.
Og - I've picked up your punctuation point, changed the and to except (one of my points was meant to be I found LOTR films easier than the books). Still thinking about The trouble is - I've plumped for naturally for now but not sure
Barrie - indifference or boredom. I'd quite like to stick with enthusiasm but have changed it slightly to with little enthusiasm which is less of a mouthful. Two reasons - it captures how I felt and would I be correct to say there is some assonance in enthusiasm and view.
Dog of d - a quiet riot. Yes - there were a lot of conflicting feelings in my lack of enthusiasm. The LOTR point was intended to point to the object of my son's passion and the thought that he is learning his morals from that source.
Ta again
Elphin
Og - I've picked up your punctuation point, changed the and to except (one of my points was meant to be I found LOTR films easier than the books). Still thinking about The trouble is - I've plumped for naturally for now but not sure
Barrie - indifference or boredom. I'd quite like to stick with enthusiasm but have changed it slightly to with little enthusiasm which is less of a mouthful. Two reasons - it captures how I felt and would I be correct to say there is some assonance in enthusiasm and view.
Dog of d - a quiet riot. Yes - there were a lot of conflicting feelings in my lack of enthusiasm. The LOTR point was intended to point to the object of my son's passion and the thought that he is learning his morals from that source.
Ta again
Elphin
Hi Elphin,
I think this pithy poem really has a strong impact. I like the changes you've made in both stanzas -- the rewrite is definitely the better of the two versions.
A couple of suggestions for you to consider:
Wouldn't "settle" work in L1 better than "settled"? The entire remainder of the poem is in the present tense so, for me, consistency would be best.
Consider a colon at the end of L3 as better representing the relationship between L3 and L4, which expands and explains L3.
Doesn't the title "Lort of the Rings" need italics or quotes?
Finally, would you consider dashes for the commas that set off "good and evil"? It seems to me that, as written, there isn't a clear enough sense that you are "defining" LOTR with the clause rather creating a list. You might even put "good and evil" on a separate line.
Just some thoughts about this poem, which I enjoyed a lot.
Best,
L
I think this pithy poem really has a strong impact. I like the changes you've made in both stanzas -- the rewrite is definitely the better of the two versions.
A couple of suggestions for you to consider:
Wouldn't "settle" work in L1 better than "settled"? The entire remainder of the poem is in the present tense so, for me, consistency would be best.
Consider a colon at the end of L3 as better representing the relationship between L3 and L4, which expands and explains L3.
Doesn't the title "Lort of the Rings" need italics or quotes?
Finally, would you consider dashes for the commas that set off "good and evil"? It seems to me that, as written, there isn't a clear enough sense that you are "defining" LOTR with the clause rather creating a list. You might even put "good and evil" on a separate line.
Just some thoughts about this poem, which I enjoyed a lot.
Best,
L
Elph, are you remembering that old Sunday School hymn?
Tell me the old, old story, tell me the old, old story,
Tell me the old, old story, of Jesus and His love.
I'd forgotten about that until I read your poem. A Proustian moment there, to be sure, for me anyway.
From a theological point of view, I don't think there was any "pretending" to be crucifed, but I offer that purely as a suggestion. I don't have a believer's conviction about it, but that's my understanding.
A good distillation of a moment and a thought.
Cheers
David
Tell me the old, old story, tell me the old, old story,
Tell me the old, old story, of Jesus and His love.
I'd forgotten about that until I read your poem. A Proustian moment there, to be sure, for me anyway.
From a theological point of view, I don't think there was any "pretending" to be crucifed, but I offer that purely as a suggestion. I don't have a believer's conviction about it, but that's my understanding.
A good distillation of a moment and a thought.
Cheers
David
Thanks for your input
elle - I appreciate your keen observations. You are correct about the tense of settle and the colon (colon and semi colon differentiation is not my strong point). I have also moved good and evil to a separate line, I had contemplated that earlier and you have reaffirmed my thinking. I think I can get away with LOTR without quotes - its a visual thing.
David - spot on with the old, old story although the line I was remembering was
tell me the old, old story
of Jesus on the Cross
Is that the same hymn - I don't remember?
Theologically, I wasn't intending any implication about the actual crucifixion at all - it was the actor's portrayal I was referring to.
Elphin
elle - I appreciate your keen observations. You are correct about the tense of settle and the colon (colon and semi colon differentiation is not my strong point). I have also moved good and evil to a separate line, I had contemplated that earlier and you have reaffirmed my thinking. I think I can get away with LOTR without quotes - its a visual thing.
David - spot on with the old, old story although the line I was remembering was
tell me the old, old story
of Jesus on the Cross
Is that the same hymn - I don't remember?
Theologically, I wasn't intending any implication about the actual crucifixion at all - it was the actor's portrayal I was referring to.
Elphin
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ccvulture
I'm wondering if this could be a little more economical. Some thoughts below.
Interesting little piece. I enjoyed it.
Cheers
Stuart
REVISION 2
With little enthusiasm, we settle to view [Does it need "With little enthusiasm"? It's kinda implied by the rest of the verse. (Then strangely contradicted in the next verse.)]
the retelling of the old, old story. [Does it need two "old"s?]
Naturally, I know how it ends:
hands tied, pretending to be crucified. [Why "pretending"? Why not "hands tied, crucified."?]
Read the book, I tell my son
it’s like Lord of the Rings, [Consider using dashes rather than commas to enclose "good and evil".]
good and evil,
except this book is much better [How about replacing "this" with "the"?]
than the film.
Interesting little piece. I enjoyed it.
Cheers
Stuart
REVISION 2
With little enthusiasm, we settle to view [Does it need "With little enthusiasm"? It's kinda implied by the rest of the verse. (Then strangely contradicted in the next verse.)]
the retelling of the old, old story. [Does it need two "old"s?]
Naturally, I know how it ends:
hands tied, pretending to be crucified. [Why "pretending"? Why not "hands tied, crucified."?]
Read the book, I tell my son
it’s like Lord of the Rings, [Consider using dashes rather than commas to enclose "good and evil".]
good and evil,
except this book is much better [How about replacing "this" with "the"?]
than the film.
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emuse
- Preponderant Poster
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- Contact:
Dear Elph,
Well I see you've already received enough suggestions on this and I'll just add to that my agreement to remove "with little enthusiasm." To choose "settle" already connotes the idea of settling figuratively and otherwise so I don't think you need it.
You could also call it "The Passion". The admission at the end by the narrator that the book is better than the film could be taken in different ways. I really enjoyed that.!
e
Well I see you've already received enough suggestions on this and I'll just add to that my agreement to remove "with little enthusiasm." To choose "settle" already connotes the idea of settling figuratively and otherwise so I don't think you need it.
You could also call it "The Passion". The admission at the end by the narrator that the book is better than the film could be taken in different ways. I really enjoyed that.!
e