She never said "yes" to life,
being slightly hard of hearing
and not entirely sure she'd heard
the question correctly.
She was circumspect and cautious,
did not presume too much.
Sometime she said "pardon?",
sometimes "come again?"
She never said "yes" to life
Hi David,
I love short, impactful poems, but this almost seems too short and I end up wondering about all the things you don't say, like who is she, how old is she, how is the narrator related to her? The use of abstracts like "circumspect" and "cautious" and the somewhat cliche "presume too much" simply don't provide me with any real images of the subject of the poem. For me, absent imagery a poem is a strictly cerebral exercise, not an emotional one and I'm more prone to ask the dreaded "so what?"
I think the first stanza works better than S2. I hope to see this one revised and expanded.
Cheers,
Elle
I love short, impactful poems, but this almost seems too short and I end up wondering about all the things you don't say, like who is she, how old is she, how is the narrator related to her? The use of abstracts like "circumspect" and "cautious" and the somewhat cliche "presume too much" simply don't provide me with any real images of the subject of the poem. For me, absent imagery a poem is a strictly cerebral exercise, not an emotional one and I'm more prone to ask the dreaded "so what?"
I think the first stanza works better than S2. I hope to see this one revised and expanded.
Cheers,
Elle
David
more or less perhaps - S1 could stand alone and could be very powerful if you could find a way to phrase slightly hard of hearing to be ambiguous and perhaps refer to everyone, hearing and not hearing.
Just a thought
Elphin
more or less perhaps - S1 could stand alone and could be very powerful if you could find a way to phrase slightly hard of hearing to be ambiguous and perhaps refer to everyone, hearing and not hearing.
Just a thought
Elphin
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ladyteazle
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:15 pm
- Location: Birmingham
Well, I giggled, but thought that was just me...
I too thought circumspect and cautious needed help, but I don't feel you need an extra stanza, just a tighter second one. Don't over-egg the pudding with too much explanation.
I really liked it.
I too thought circumspect and cautious needed help, but I don't feel you need an extra stanza, just a tighter second one. Don't over-egg the pudding with too much explanation.
I really liked it.
"The feel of not to feel it." - Keats
I don't really know what to make of this one, David. Usually, your poems find way to 'get in' but this one doesn't seem to want to, even though I'm standing here with the bloody door open.
Maybe it'll change its mind.
Barrie
Maybe it'll change its mind.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 934
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 11:03 pm
- Location: South Of Watford
- Contact:
Haha! Yay! David's cloak of superficial grace has revealed the nutter within. I knew all along.
So, erm, this about the missus, or what? Great title - if it is about the missus, get shot of her. Only things that have ever caused a man trouble are wheels and tits, yeh said it before, yeh others probably said it - must be true.
Shouldn't it be, "Pardon?!" and "come again?!". I dunno . . . .
Nice one.
much love
me
x
So, erm, this about the missus, or what? Great title - if it is about the missus, get shot of her. Only things that have ever caused a man trouble are wheels and tits, yeh said it before, yeh others probably said it - must be true.
Shouldn't it be, "Pardon?!" and "come again?!". I dunno . . . .
Nice one.
much love
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
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beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 934
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 11:03 pm
- Location: South Of Watford
- Contact:
Big D
You fucking with me, or what?
If you like them so much, and I'm happy paying for them: Let me get the wife the following placards you can hold up:
Harder!
Harder!!!
HARDER!!!!!!
HARDER BITCH RIDE ME MENACINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIDE ME REALLY, REALLY MENACINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT's IT, YOU DIRTY BITCH, YOU ENJOYING THAT? EH?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHA! Sorry, Big D. If you need a tutorial, I'll happily pop over if you're coverign expenses!
As you know, I'm all for spreading the fuck and love. I might have to sttech to A3 for the last one though.
I hope the banter continues.
Can I say at this point, how much I'd love to slap a big platonic kiss on your cheek for being a goovy nigga - whilst banging your missus, well, I'm an open minded liberal sort, providing you wrere good looking I'd obliged. Is this a PG first?
My word, on a note of sincerity, you know I think ya the nuts, so apologies if I've pushed it!
Me
x
You fucking with me, or what?
If you like them so much, and I'm happy paying for them: Let me get the wife the following placards you can hold up:
Harder!
Harder!!!
HARDER!!!!!!
HARDER BITCH RIDE ME MENACINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIDE ME REALLY, REALLY MENACINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT's IT, YOU DIRTY BITCH, YOU ENJOYING THAT? EH?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHA! Sorry, Big D. If you need a tutorial, I'll happily pop over if you're coverign expenses!
As you know, I'm all for spreading the fuck and love. I might have to sttech to A3 for the last one though.
I hope the banter continues.
Can I say at this point, how much I'd love to slap a big platonic kiss on your cheek for being a goovy nigga - whilst banging your missus, well, I'm an open minded liberal sort, providing you wrere good looking I'd obliged. Is this a PG first?
My word, on a note of sincerity, you know I think ya the nuts, so apologies if I've pushed it!
Me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Is this a PG first?
Um, probably.
Apologies if I've pushed it!
No worries, amigo. Now though, more than ever, my wife must not start reading in this forum. Let's leave the old girl out of it from now on, maybe. Better safe (me) than sorry (definitely me).
Cheers you bl you
D.
Um, probably.
Apologies if I've pushed it!
No worries, amigo. Now though, more than ever, my wife must not start reading in this forum. Let's leave the old girl out of it from now on, maybe. Better safe (me) than sorry (definitely me).
Cheers you bl you
D.