Everyone peers through Edith's door,
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as Edith sinks in her chair.
Polished vibrato, lipstick glistening
hush as the legend takes her time
to board the planks towards the sharks and the shooters.
In Paris the night ignites,
Edith takes the chic and the ego
and weaves it into song.
Applause
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
Edith sang in Paris
dl
I feel like I'm Mr Grumpy tonight but this one isn't working as much more than description especially first two stanzas. It perks up in the last two - maybe start there and see if you can develop a more unique take on Piaf.
Elphin
I feel like I'm Mr Grumpy tonight but this one isn't working as much more than description especially first two stanzas. It perks up in the last two - maybe start there and see if you can develop a more unique take on Piaf.
Elphin
I'll disagree with Elphin on this, I think it's quite good - the third verse comes across very well. I must admit, I had to read the first two words of V2 again - but that's just my mind!
The only things that I'd change would be a couple of 'Edith's' for 'she'
Everyone peers through Edith's door,
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as she sinks into her chair.
&
She finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Would you like this to moved into Experienced, that's where it should be - Just say the word and one of the mods will move it.
Good stuff.
Barrie
The only things that I'd change would be a couple of 'Edith's' for 'she'
Everyone peers through Edith's door,
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as she sinks into her chair.
&
She finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Would you like this to moved into Experienced, that's where it should be - Just say the word and one of the mods will move it.
Good stuff.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
I quite like this, dl, but I also think it misses so much of Edith's allure. A worthy subject, and a good stab at it, but it seems slightly too generic at the moment. I think you need to particularise it more.
I do like while Paris echoes Piaf, though.
And you're ready to move to Experienced, I reckon.
Cheers
David
I do like while Paris echoes Piaf, though.
And you're ready to move to Experienced, I reckon.
Cheers
David
Thanks for the comments guys. It's really flattering to be asked to move onto Experienced and i wouldnt mind having this one moved over just to get more opinion on my work etc. So thanks for the offer 
Barrie i agree about the constant use of 'Edith'. I was actually going to use more of 'she', but felt it might be too repetitive. However i see how it works much better as a result when mixed with her name.
Thanks
dl04
Barrie i agree about the constant use of 'Edith'. I was actually going to use more of 'she', but felt it might be too repetitive. However i see how it works much better as a result when mixed with her name.
Thanks
dl04
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
At first I thought this read like a simple description, but on reflection, I think a few lines are heavily atmospheric.
Everyone peers through Edith's door, - seems like the entire city is looming and wants a piece of her. Good opening.
sharks and the shooters - sounds great and captures the mood of a ravenous intrusive audience.
the night ignites - great image.
sliding down the wine - my favourite, as it suggests, both the swallowing sction and her alcoholic decline.
I personally would like to see she sinks into her chair and Paris echoes Piaf as stand alone, short sentences. I think that would have more impact.
Sarah.
Everyone peers through Edith's door, - seems like the entire city is looming and wants a piece of her. Good opening.
sharks and the shooters - sounds great and captures the mood of a ravenous intrusive audience.
the night ignites - great image.
sliding down the wine - my favourite, as it suggests, both the swallowing sction and her alcoholic decline.
I personally would like to see she sinks into her chair and Paris echoes Piaf as stand alone, short sentences. I think that would have more impact.
Sarah.
In the original version, you had -
Edith hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf. - by removing Edith and not replacing it with 'she', you have an incomplete sentence - it hasn't got a subject. You need a personal pronoun.
(?) hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
Barrie
Edith hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf. - by removing Edith and not replacing it with 'she', you have an incomplete sentence - it hasn't got a subject. You need a personal pronoun.
(?) hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
-
dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
Hi there,
I found this quite distancing to start with-the repetition of 'Edith' in the first stanza reminded me of the conversations people have about older demented people when they're in the room with them, as if they're going to get an answer but know they probably won't. For my penn'orth, I would probably have let Edith sink but not into anything particular. For me, it connected to the great 'sliding down the wine' line and perhaps there is a contrast there between being up or down which might be something to play with. Stanza 3 was my favourite-it had a lot of music to it, the sounds were excellent. I quite enjoyed the lipstick glistening, as it seems to imply strain rather than beauty, but that is just me.
Not intimate enough, somehow. Good bits, but needs to go for the kill.
dogofdilapidation
I found this quite distancing to start with-the repetition of 'Edith' in the first stanza reminded me of the conversations people have about older demented people when they're in the room with them, as if they're going to get an answer but know they probably won't. For my penn'orth, I would probably have let Edith sink but not into anything particular. For me, it connected to the great 'sliding down the wine' line and perhaps there is a contrast there between being up or down which might be something to play with. Stanza 3 was my favourite-it had a lot of music to it, the sounds were excellent. I quite enjoyed the lipstick glistening, as it seems to imply strain rather than beauty, but that is just me.
Not intimate enough, somehow. Good bits, but needs to go for the kill.
dogofdilapidation
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
Everyone peers through Edith's door,
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as Edith sinks in her chair.
Polished vibrato, lipstick glistening
hush as the legend takes her time
to board the planks towards the sharks and the shooters.
In Paris the night ignites,
Edith takes the chic and the ego
and weaves it into song.
Applause
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
i enjoyed this poem as it reminds me of modern fame and how a star can be adored with "flowers and praise" and yet "boards the planks towards the sharks and the shooters" who don't really care at all and are waiting desperately for their chance to criticise (todays press especially). the line "everyone peers" is almost eerie in that for Edith there is no privacy. her space has become chlaustrophobic.
It echoes the self doubt i feel most performers have "asking questions" and the addictions they often pick up along the way to stardom in "sliding down the wine". Amy Winehouse springs to mind with this poem and the destruction fame and success can cause. the line "hangs up the dress" for me is poignant as it reminds us that fame is fleeting and that performers are only actors whilst on stage and that we can never truly know them, despite thinking we do.
loved this poem
thanks
Sam
x
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as Edith sinks in her chair.
Polished vibrato, lipstick glistening
hush as the legend takes her time
to board the planks towards the sharks and the shooters.
In Paris the night ignites,
Edith takes the chic and the ego
and weaves it into song.
Applause
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
i enjoyed this poem as it reminds me of modern fame and how a star can be adored with "flowers and praise" and yet "boards the planks towards the sharks and the shooters" who don't really care at all and are waiting desperately for their chance to criticise (todays press especially). the line "everyone peers" is almost eerie in that for Edith there is no privacy. her space has become chlaustrophobic.
It echoes the self doubt i feel most performers have "asking questions" and the addictions they often pick up along the way to stardom in "sliding down the wine". Amy Winehouse springs to mind with this poem and the destruction fame and success can cause. the line "hangs up the dress" for me is poignant as it reminds us that fame is fleeting and that performers are only actors whilst on stage and that we can never truly know them, despite thinking we do.
loved this poem
thanks
Sam
x
Hello dl,
I have a fondness for this sort of tribute poem and I enjoyed this one. I felt most of the earlier crits focused on the main problem areas of the poem: the overuse of "Edith" and a certain distance that is not overcome by the rather nice imagery of the poem. I've read this several times trying to decide what to say about it. I wonder what would happen if you start with S2 move S1 down. Sort of take us through a performance. It would be a more pointed narrative that way and you might find ways to expand and particularize the poem as you go.
Best,
Elle
Definitely the final stanza needs fixing. Consider:
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and, sliding down the wine,
hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
Here's what I'm suggesting as a starting point for revisions:
Polished vibrato, lipstick glistening
hush as the legend takes her time
to board the planks towards the sharks and the shooters.
In Paris the night ignites,
Edith takes the chic and the ego
and weaves it into song.
Applause
Everyone peers through Edith's door,
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as Edith sinks in her chair.
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
I have a fondness for this sort of tribute poem and I enjoyed this one. I felt most of the earlier crits focused on the main problem areas of the poem: the overuse of "Edith" and a certain distance that is not overcome by the rather nice imagery of the poem. I've read this several times trying to decide what to say about it. I wonder what would happen if you start with S2 move S1 down. Sort of take us through a performance. It would be a more pointed narrative that way and you might find ways to expand and particularize the poem as you go.
Best,
Elle
Definitely the final stanza needs fixing. Consider:
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and, sliding down the wine,
hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
Here's what I'm suggesting as a starting point for revisions:
Polished vibrato, lipstick glistening
hush as the legend takes her time
to board the planks towards the sharks and the shooters.
In Paris the night ignites,
Edith takes the chic and the ego
and weaves it into song.
Applause
Everyone peers through Edith's door,
a lady gives her flowers and praise
as Edith sinks in her chair.
Edith finds herself asking questions in the mirror
and sliding down the wine.
Hangs up the dress
while Paris echoes Piaf.
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
dl04
congratulations on the promotion.
I’m not well informed about Piaf, so excuse me if I make a faux pas or two.
S1
“Everyone” feels a little too broad. Did she never close her door?
“A lady” feels too narrow. Are there possible compromises?
S2
Is Edith the “polished vibrato”? The sentence construction is confusing. It sounds like they are being quiet, so presumably they’re not her.
Planks and sharks – I like the pirate ship reference here.
S3 – there was a concern about the repetition of Edith, is it possible to avoid repetition of “Paris”? As the title leads the reader to the correct venue, perhaps “city” might suffice here.
S4 – This felt like an airbrushed finish. I wonder if the less pleasant image might make a stronger ending.
Title – being a fan of alliteration, I would have been very tempted by “Piaf in Paris”. Was the idea to make the poem more personal by calling her Edith?
Lots of comment. I hope this doesn’t appear like harsh appraisal. They’re just a few notes on things that would make the poem more appealing to me. But there are lots of other readers too.
Looking forward to more
og
congratulations on the promotion.
I’m not well informed about Piaf, so excuse me if I make a faux pas or two.
S1
“Everyone” feels a little too broad. Did she never close her door?
“A lady” feels too narrow. Are there possible compromises?
S2
Is Edith the “polished vibrato”? The sentence construction is confusing. It sounds like they are being quiet, so presumably they’re not her.
Planks and sharks – I like the pirate ship reference here.
S3 – there was a concern about the repetition of Edith, is it possible to avoid repetition of “Paris”? As the title leads the reader to the correct venue, perhaps “city” might suffice here.
S4 – This felt like an airbrushed finish. I wonder if the less pleasant image might make a stronger ending.
Title – being a fan of alliteration, I would have been very tempted by “Piaf in Paris”. Was the idea to make the poem more personal by calling her Edith?
Lots of comment. I hope this doesn’t appear like harsh appraisal. They’re just a few notes on things that would make the poem more appealing to me. But there are lots of other readers too.
Looking forward to more
og