REVISED 4/19/08:
Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies
your mistress is dead. . .
—traditional Greek invocation
When you fell, bumbles burst,
spumes of blood on the black
and white tiles. They hovered
'round your mind
and all you could do was hum
drowned by the siren’s wail.
Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain flight. You fought
until they pulled your stinger,
put you down in yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face
swollen to an angry bump, mouth
twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube curls into proboscis
in this frigid room.
Let them tell the bees
I will not rattle the keys on the roof
of your hive. They snatched you
from me, left the poison, left the poison
of good-bye.
REVISION:
When you fell, bumbles burst--
spumes of blood on the black
and white tiles. They hovered
round your mind
and all you could do was hum
drowned out by the siren’s wail.
Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain flight. You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put you down in honey-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube curls into proboscis in this frigid room.
Let them tell the bees.
I will not rattle the keys on the roof
of your hive. They pulled you
from me, left the poison, left the poison
of good-bye.
Revision 2
Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies your mistress is dead,
Little brownies, little brownies your mistress is dead.
—traditional Greek invocation to bees spoken by the youngest child
who knocks on the hive when there is a death in the family.
When you fell, bumbles burst--
spumes of blood
on the black and white tiles.
They hovered round your mind
and all you could do was hum
drowned out by the siren’s wail.
Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain flight.
.....................................You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put you down in yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube curls into proboscis
in this frigid room. Let them tell the bees.
I will not be the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
They took you from me, left the poison
of your good-bye.
ORIGINAL:
Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies your mistress is dead,
her brain exploded like a hive in her head.
Little brownies, little brownies your mistress is dead.
When you fell, bumbles burst--
a spume of blood on the black
and white tiles. They hovered
round your mind
and all you could do was to hum
loudly, drowned out by the wail
of an ambulance. Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain your flight.
................You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put your down
in the yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube fused into plastic tongue curls
in this frigid room.
Let them tell the bees. I will not be
the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
They took you from me
like a malevolent wasp,
left the poison, left the poison
of your good-bye.
Who Will Tell the Bees?
-
dogofdiogenes
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:53 pm
e,
What is a brownie, in your context? 7 year old girl with a beret and 10p for the 'phone?
jac
What is a brownie, in your context? 7 year old girl with a beret and 10p for the 'phone?
jac
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)
-
ccvulture
Nope still lost, though I read the article on pps 10ff.emuse wrote:Here's a clue dear dog:
http://www.wiltshirebeekeepers.org.uk/D ... %20PDF.PDF
Page 10
e
Perhaps you should make it clearer from the start, E. Prologues need to be comprehensible by the close of the poem they precede.
Cheers
Stuart
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Hi Stu,
The prologue refers to an old supersition about the telling of the bees. That's what is explained in the article. It's not really too important that the person knows of the supersition. The poem only alludes to it.
Thanks for trying to figure it out. As you know, I'm not usually too literal in my renderings. It may be that I need to incorporate the myth better into the reality so that the idea is made clear.
More importantly, what effect does the poem have on the reader and if the confusion is offputting well then depending upon other votes here and elsewhere, I'll have to address it.
e
The prologue refers to an old supersition about the telling of the bees. That's what is explained in the article. It's not really too important that the person knows of the supersition. The poem only alludes to it.
Thanks for trying to figure it out. As you know, I'm not usually too literal in my renderings. It may be that I need to incorporate the myth better into the reality so that the idea is made clear.
More importantly, what effect does the poem have on the reader and if the confusion is offputting well then depending upon other votes here and elsewhere, I'll have to address it.
e
-
ccvulture
Hi Eemuse wrote:Hi Stu,
The prologue refers to an old supersition about the telling of the bees. That's what is explained in the article. It's not really too important that the person knows of the supersition. The poem only alludes to it.
Thanks for trying to figure it out. As you know, I'm not usually too literal in my renderings. It may be that I need to incorporate the myth better into the reality so that the idea is made clear.
More importantly, what effect does the poem have on the reader and if the confusion is offputting well then depending upon other votes here and elsewhere, I'll have to address it.
e
Yeah, I got that from the article. The bit I don't follow is the reference to Brownies. I can't find anything about that in the article, and it throws me, because appearing where it does in the poem implies that it's of high importance to the poem and the bees theme.
Stu
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Ah, well I took the rhyme from a very very busy place I want last weekend for a workshop, the Museum of Jurassic Technology. I don't like "brownies" myself. I could easily change it to something else.
e
e
-
ccvulture
emuse wrote:Ah, well I took the rhyme from a very very busy place I want last weekend for a workshop, the Museum of Jurassic Technology. I don't like "brownies" myself. I could easily change it to something else.
e
Should it not be referenced after the quote, in that case, E?
Cheers
Stu
PS sorry for being stubborn - just trying to get to the heart of all of this one!
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Hi Stu,
Here's a bit of the blurb:
Beliefs associated with bees go back to Hellenistic Greece and before where they were understood to be related to and a manifestation of the muse from which comes the bees alter identity of the muse's bird. And, the practice of telling of the bees of important events in the lives of the family has been for hundreds of years a widely observed practice and, although it varies somewhat among peoples, it is invariably a most elaborate ceremonial. The procedure is that as soon as a member of the family has breathed his or her last a younger member of the household, often a child, is told to visit the hives. and rattling a chain of small keys taps on the hive and whispers three times:
Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.
Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.
Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.
And here's the link.
http://www.mjt.org/exhibits/bees/bees.html
I meant "bizarre" place not "busy" in my comment above (I'm just too damn busy). This was WEIRD which accounts for my strange muse.
So, I suppose I could note it but it is altered from the original text.
Sometimes a poem refers to a ritual of some ancient rite but only loosely (Pascale Petit does this often) and then incorporates the image into a poem. That's what I'm going for. I can't say I was thinking of any poet when I wrote it, just the connection between a recent death in the family and the bees.
e
Here's a bit of the blurb:
Beliefs associated with bees go back to Hellenistic Greece and before where they were understood to be related to and a manifestation of the muse from which comes the bees alter identity of the muse's bird. And, the practice of telling of the bees of important events in the lives of the family has been for hundreds of years a widely observed practice and, although it varies somewhat among peoples, it is invariably a most elaborate ceremonial. The procedure is that as soon as a member of the family has breathed his or her last a younger member of the household, often a child, is told to visit the hives. and rattling a chain of small keys taps on the hive and whispers three times:
Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.
Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.
Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.
And here's the link.
http://www.mjt.org/exhibits/bees/bees.html
I meant "bizarre" place not "busy" in my comment above (I'm just too damn busy). This was WEIRD which accounts for my strange muse.
So, I suppose I could note it but it is altered from the original text.
Sometimes a poem refers to a ritual of some ancient rite but only loosely (Pascale Petit does this often) and then incorporates the image into a poem. That's what I'm going for. I can't say I was thinking of any poet when I wrote it, just the connection between a recent death in the family and the bees.
e
What's wrong with little brownies? That's what honey bees are - little brown things.
I like the way you've tackled this, weaving the accident and subsequent death together with the bee myth - it's original. The metaphorical bee's tongue is quite startling but I'm stuck as to the meaning of 'stinger', even though the meaning of the verse is more than clear.
Honey was one of man's staple foods, as it still is for tribes still shunning 'civilization', and the reverence for bees has been passed down the generations. The infant Zeus was fed on honey and goat's milk. His nurses were the Meliai - melissai are honey-bees.
One of the synonyms of soma (drink of the gods) is madhu - this is the methu of the Greeks, and the mead of the Saxon, Norse and Celto-British people.
You did well to choose bees.
I like the poem, especially the ending.
good stuff
Barrie
I like the way you've tackled this, weaving the accident and subsequent death together with the bee myth - it's original. The metaphorical bee's tongue is quite startling but I'm stuck as to the meaning of 'stinger', even though the meaning of the verse is more than clear.
Honey was one of man's staple foods, as it still is for tribes still shunning 'civilization', and the reverence for bees has been passed down the generations. The infant Zeus was fed on honey and goat's milk. His nurses were the Meliai - melissai are honey-bees.
One of the synonyms of soma (drink of the gods) is madhu - this is the methu of the Greeks, and the mead of the Saxon, Norse and Celto-British people.
You did well to choose bees.
I like the poem, especially the ending.
good stuff
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
And the mulsum of the Romans too Barrie. I'm glad you saw the history in this and made the connections. I feel the poem has good legs but I just wonder if I need to expand on the connection to the bees in some fashion so that it doesn't trip the reader who is trying to understand its significance.
What do you think?
e
What do you think?
e
-
camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5406
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
Liked it E.
Done with your usual flair, although I did think you went slightly OTT with the old bee/wasp metaphor/symbolism (what's the difference by the way?) only slighty, only slighty though.
Good to see you posting again
Hope all's well.
cheers
Kris
Done with your usual flair, although I did think you went slightly OTT with the old bee/wasp metaphor/symbolism (what's the difference by the way?) only slighty, only slighty though.
Good to see you posting again
Hope all's well.
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Hi Kris,
Could be OTT yes. It reads well aloud but I am open to any suggestions of where to tone it down. The wasp is related to the bee like a cousin. Wasps are more aggressive and unlike the honey bee can sting repeatedly.
Thanks for the welcome back. It feels good to be posting.
Cheers
e
Could be OTT yes. It reads well aloud but I am open to any suggestions of where to tone it down. The wasp is related to the bee like a cousin. Wasps are more aggressive and unlike the honey bee can sting repeatedly.
Thanks for the welcome back. It feels good to be posting.
Cheers
e
e
Great to see you back posting and with such a clearly personal piece.
I knew nothing of the bee myth but now I do I think refusal to tell the bees is an excellent way of capturing the denial and grief of losing a loved one and this is therefore a very powerful poem. Here are a few thoughts for you.
The prologue l2 her brain exploded like a hive in her head - this conveys to me more of the idea that someones head burst from too much thinking i.e. the hive just got bigger and bigger. Perhaps repeating the three lines of the myth is enough here.
I wonder if "you" is too ambiguous. On first reading I thought you referred to a bee dying (all it could do was hum) but I think you are referring to the mistress so why not "she" - I think it is more powerful too. I like the bumbles bursting - don't think bumbles is a noun but it works perfectly.
I can't put my finger on it but I don't think you need
drowned out by the wail/of an ambulance.
Its quite prosaic and I think the idea of the person only being able to hum should allow the reader to connect to the siren and also the loneliness of lying humming is an effective ending image.
You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put your down
in the yellow-eyed sleep
Mmmm - just not sure on that stanza but no better ideas. Something isn't working for me.
I would end with the following
Let them tell the bees. I will not be
the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
It conveys all of the desolation and ties right back to the title so achieves closure. Moving on to the wasp and the poison is stretching and torturing the metaphor.
Hope there is something in these thoughts.
Elphin
Great to see you back posting and with such a clearly personal piece.
I knew nothing of the bee myth but now I do I think refusal to tell the bees is an excellent way of capturing the denial and grief of losing a loved one and this is therefore a very powerful poem. Here are a few thoughts for you.
The prologue l2 her brain exploded like a hive in her head - this conveys to me more of the idea that someones head burst from too much thinking i.e. the hive just got bigger and bigger. Perhaps repeating the three lines of the myth is enough here.
I wonder if "you" is too ambiguous. On first reading I thought you referred to a bee dying (all it could do was hum) but I think you are referring to the mistress so why not "she" - I think it is more powerful too. I like the bumbles bursting - don't think bumbles is a noun but it works perfectly.
I can't put my finger on it but I don't think you need
drowned out by the wail/of an ambulance.
Its quite prosaic and I think the idea of the person only being able to hum should allow the reader to connect to the siren and also the loneliness of lying humming is an effective ending image.
You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put your down
in the yellow-eyed sleep
Mmmm - just not sure on that stanza but no better ideas. Something isn't working for me.
I would end with the following
Let them tell the bees. I will not be
the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
It conveys all of the desolation and ties right back to the title so achieves closure. Moving on to the wasp and the poison is stretching and torturing the metaphor.
Hope there is something in these thoughts.
Elphin
-
beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 934
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 11:03 pm
- Location: South Of Watford
- Contact:
Hey Love,
I really think this is a beautiful piece of writing, enjoyed it very much and I have not read the accompanying link, doesn't need it.
That in mind, I really think it benefits from dropping the first "little brownies" stanza, though you may want it there for yourself. I appreciate others have noted it, perhaps for different reasons, maybe not I dunno, but for the poem I'd sya lose it.
The only other thing I thought of, was a revision here (I can't believe I'm suggesting it, as this is far better than anything my feeble fluff of stuff can muster):
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s sinews
to a tube, that pivots to plastic tongue curls
in this frigid room.
I dunno, the main thing was the sinews thing, really. This all bounces along quite nicely so you could flow off the meter too, I think.
Hall of fame, anyone? I really do think this is an excellent piece, and just like a london bus, had none for ages then three come along at once, so be it.
Nice one.
me
x
I really think this is a beautiful piece of writing, enjoyed it very much and I have not read the accompanying link, doesn't need it.
That in mind, I really think it benefits from dropping the first "little brownies" stanza, though you may want it there for yourself. I appreciate others have noted it, perhaps for different reasons, maybe not I dunno, but for the poem I'd sya lose it.
The only other thing I thought of, was a revision here (I can't believe I'm suggesting it, as this is far better than anything my feeble fluff of stuff can muster):
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s sinews
to a tube, that pivots to plastic tongue curls
in this frigid room.
I dunno, the main thing was the sinews thing, really. This all bounces along quite nicely so you could flow off the meter too, I think.
Hall of fame, anyone? I really do think this is an excellent piece, and just like a london bus, had none for ages then three come along at once, so be it.
Nice one.
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Elph you is good! You poke at the parts that bugged me (forgive me mother but if I can't get a laugh somewhere what will I do?) and rightly so. I'm not sure I can drop the end but I'm thinking of an alternative. I am willing to drop it if it makes the poem better but check out the revision and let me know what you think. Also I believe you're right about the ambulence but I have muted this down to a less prosaic feel -- feeling somehow the ambulence sound is important to ground the reader to a hospital setting. I think I will try the repetition as mentioned with perhaps a little note of explication. If this is overdone then...I'll have to see what to do next. Originally I wanted the line about the hive exploding in the poem itself and decided it went along well with the rhyme and kept it there but now I am uncertain. So I'll post a revision shortly and please let me know if it does read better. Many thanks to you for really getting inside this to find the shaky parts.
Bonsoir Beau,
Well I'm glad your are pleased. Yes I am. Your comments give me confidence in this. Sometimes we want a poem to succeed because it is so personal. I have had plenty of disappointments along the way so if this one hits home then let's say poetry is more than a pretty face and let's say that the upset I felt at my mother's violent death can be run through, over and over until the incident itself destimulates to some degree.
I take your vote about dropping the rhyme to heart. I'm not sure if I need to let it go. I do feel it sets the tone of the poem. A bit naked without it. Sometimes the difficulty with workshop is that there are as many opinions as there are poets and so I end up fractured. We all get lucky (if it is luck) when everyone jumps on the bandwagon and says yes get rid of such and so and you know with impugnity that it is right. Not so here. I can feel your viewpoint as well as I can Elph's. I can appreciate Barrie's too because he hasn't suggested any changes.
So, I'm going to go for a revision that's somewhere in between and see if it is improved and if not, I'll try track 3.
xo
e
Bonsoir Beau,
Well I'm glad your are pleased. Yes I am. Your comments give me confidence in this. Sometimes we want a poem to succeed because it is so personal. I have had plenty of disappointments along the way so if this one hits home then let's say poetry is more than a pretty face and let's say that the upset I felt at my mother's violent death can be run through, over and over until the incident itself destimulates to some degree.
I take your vote about dropping the rhyme to heart. I'm not sure if I need to let it go. I do feel it sets the tone of the poem. A bit naked without it. Sometimes the difficulty with workshop is that there are as many opinions as there are poets and so I end up fractured. We all get lucky (if it is luck) when everyone jumps on the bandwagon and says yes get rid of such and so and you know with impugnity that it is right. Not so here. I can feel your viewpoint as well as I can Elph's. I can appreciate Barrie's too because he hasn't suggested any changes.
So, I'm going to go for a revision that's somewhere in between and see if it is improved and if not, I'll try track 3.
xo
e
e
New version is very good indeed.
The revised prologue works. I think its best to have it otherwise I suspect most readers would have to research the myth - sometimes no bad thing but would you want a reader to focus on research or to "get it" and then enjoy the power of the poem.
I am still unsure about the poison of the goodbye - it carries with it a suggestion of a difficult mother/daughter relationship and the daughter being left with bad memories (the poison). I may be wrong but I don't think you intend that as it doesn't come over in the rest of the poem.
One other thing, I preferred this structure as I think you need to break from description of the scene to allow death to happen then tell the bees. Does that make sense?
Let them tell the bees. I will not be
the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
In fact I might be tempted to drop be to the next line to leave the emphatic I will not
Well done on the revision.
Elphin
New version is very good indeed.
The revised prologue works. I think its best to have it otherwise I suspect most readers would have to research the myth - sometimes no bad thing but would you want a reader to focus on research or to "get it" and then enjoy the power of the poem.
I am still unsure about the poison of the goodbye - it carries with it a suggestion of a difficult mother/daughter relationship and the daughter being left with bad memories (the poison). I may be wrong but I don't think you intend that as it doesn't come over in the rest of the poem.
One other thing, I preferred this structure as I think you need to break from description of the scene to allow death to happen then tell the bees. Does that make sense?
Let them tell the bees. I will not be
the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
In fact I might be tempted to drop be to the next line to leave the emphatic I will not
Well done on the revision.
Elphin
Hi emuse,
I think the revision nicely improves the original. The new "intro" material clearly sets up the poem and adds much to immediate understanding of the poem.
I guess what I like about this poem (both versions) is that it makes me as reader feel the pain of the speaker even though it's not a clear narrative. It still speaks of loss and, for me, it seems like the narrator is young, maybe a child, and the loss is of a parent. (Which fits well with the invocation, though it's only an interpretation.)
Nicely done! Enjoyed. And there is definitely room for another bee poem!
Best,
Elle
Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies your mistress is dead,
Little brownies, little brownies your mistress is dead.
—traditional Greek invocation to bees spoken by the youngest child
who knocks on the hive when there is a death in the family.
When you fell, bumbles burst--
spumes of blood
on the black and white tiles.
They hovered round your mind
and all you could do was hum
drowned out by the siren’s wail.
Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain flight.
.....................................You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put you down in yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube curls into proboscis
in this frigid room. Let them tell the bees.
I will not be the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
They took you from me, left the poison
of your good-bye.
I think the revision nicely improves the original. The new "intro" material clearly sets up the poem and adds much to immediate understanding of the poem.
I guess what I like about this poem (both versions) is that it makes me as reader feel the pain of the speaker even though it's not a clear narrative. It still speaks of loss and, for me, it seems like the narrator is young, maybe a child, and the loss is of a parent. (Which fits well with the invocation, though it's only an interpretation.)
Nicely done! Enjoyed. And there is definitely room for another bee poem!
Best,
Elle
Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies your mistress is dead,
Little brownies, little brownies your mistress is dead.
—traditional Greek invocation to bees spoken by the youngest child
who knocks on the hive when there is a death in the family.
When you fell, bumbles burst--
spumes of blood
on the black and white tiles.
They hovered round your mind
and all you could do was hum
drowned out by the siren’s wail.
Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain flight.
.....................................You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put you down in yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube curls into proboscis
in this frigid room. Let them tell the bees.
I will not be the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
They took you from me, left the poison
of your good-bye.
-
ccvulture
E - please don't take anything which follows as personal, or insensitively-meant.
1. I've read this many times now, and I think you have a confusion of great images that don't quite hang together. The deceased is painted as a bee in its final throes, but it can't be the queen bee (which is what it feels like it should be) because the picture is of a bee with a sting. Then there is the idea of telling the bees, but according to the tradition, this would happen upon the departure of the lady-of-the-house - but because you've already painted her as a bee, then the tradition has been upset, because, surely, the bees would already know if their queen were dead?
2. I have an aversion to explanatory notes in the sub-title, but that's just me. I feel that a poem should speak for itself.
3. I think the "Greek chorus", artistically, would be best placed at the point in the poem immediately after the death of the character. That is, after "yellow-eyed sleep".
4. While "hum" is clearly in reference to the bee sound, it also has other meanings which tend to intrude on this in an unpleasant way.
5. I think some distance would probably help with this, so why don't you leave it for a while and revisit it later?
Regards, and hold it up, chuckie.
Stu
1. I've read this many times now, and I think you have a confusion of great images that don't quite hang together. The deceased is painted as a bee in its final throes, but it can't be the queen bee (which is what it feels like it should be) because the picture is of a bee with a sting. Then there is the idea of telling the bees, but according to the tradition, this would happen upon the departure of the lady-of-the-house - but because you've already painted her as a bee, then the tradition has been upset, because, surely, the bees would already know if their queen were dead?
2. I have an aversion to explanatory notes in the sub-title, but that's just me. I feel that a poem should speak for itself.
3. I think the "Greek chorus", artistically, would be best placed at the point in the poem immediately after the death of the character. That is, after "yellow-eyed sleep".
4. While "hum" is clearly in reference to the bee sound, it also has other meanings which tend to intrude on this in an unpleasant way.
5. I think some distance would probably help with this, so why don't you leave it for a while and revisit it later?
Regards, and hold it up, chuckie.
Stu
emuse wrote:Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies your mistress is dead,
Little brownies, little brownies your mistress is dead.
—traditional Greek invocation to bees spoken by the youngest child
who knocks on the hive when there is a death in the family.
When you fell, bumbles burst--
spumes of blood
on the black and white tiles.
They hovered round your mind
and all you could do was hum
drowned out by the siren’s wail.
Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain flight.
.....................................You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put you down in yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube curls into proboscis
in this frigid room. Let them tell the bees.
I will not be the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
They took you from me, left the poison
of your good-bye.
ORIGINAL:
Who Will Tell the Bees?
Little brownies, Little brownies your mistress is dead,
her brain exploded like a hive in her head.
Little brownies, little brownies your mistress is dead.
When you fell, bumbles burst--
a spume of blood on the black
and white tiles. They hovered
round your mind
and all you could do was to hum
loudly, drowned out by the wail
of an ambulance. Your mouth opened
and closed as you sucked air
through your abdomen, hind wings
fluttering to regain your flight.
................You fought
until they removed your stinger,
put your down
in the yellow-eyed sleep.
Look at your face.
You are swollen to an angry bump,
mouth twisted beyond the body’s gloom.
A tube fused into plastic tongue curls
in this frigid room.
Let them tell the bees. I will not be
the little girl with keys
to rattle on the roof of your hive.
They took you from me
like a malevolent wasp,
left the poison, left the poison
of your good-bye.
-
emuse
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 10:28 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California
- Contact:
Hi Stu,
I'm honored that you would read this many times and I appreciate what it took to try to understand it! I've found the views inciteful because each poet reads work differently than the next and your view is one which gives me further knowledge into the reader and what the poem may not convey on all levels. I can totally appreciate that it's not working for you and that there is some illogic in it. This is a fantasy character so one naturally would need to suspend disbelief. Don't take this personally but most people have been able to follow the poem though you and one other had difficulty. I try to make adjustments according to the majority otherwise I'll go crazy trying to make myself understood to every individual.
The nursery rhyme sets up the invocation, or the prologue to the event so that the reader might know what is expected by this ritual.
My main concern in finishing this is to feel I've come up with the right end. I think it could be stronger, more meaningful. I'm pretty intense when it comes to finishing a piece. That's sort of my way. I hound it to death and then move on when it feels as finished as I can take it. If I think it's one of my better works, I am tireless to get it right.
The idea of the invocation mid poem is interesting. I like that. It may be something to consider in future versions.
Hi Elle and welcome to the board! I'm glad the invocation at the beginning brings more clarity to the poem and that it spoke to you of loss between a child and mother.
Cheers all,
e
I'm honored that you would read this many times and I appreciate what it took to try to understand it! I've found the views inciteful because each poet reads work differently than the next and your view is one which gives me further knowledge into the reader and what the poem may not convey on all levels. I can totally appreciate that it's not working for you and that there is some illogic in it. This is a fantasy character so one naturally would need to suspend disbelief. Don't take this personally but most people have been able to follow the poem though you and one other had difficulty. I try to make adjustments according to the majority otherwise I'll go crazy trying to make myself understood to every individual.
The nursery rhyme sets up the invocation, or the prologue to the event so that the reader might know what is expected by this ritual.
My main concern in finishing this is to feel I've come up with the right end. I think it could be stronger, more meaningful. I'm pretty intense when it comes to finishing a piece. That's sort of my way. I hound it to death and then move on when it feels as finished as I can take it. If I think it's one of my better works, I am tireless to get it right.
The idea of the invocation mid poem is interesting. I like that. It may be something to consider in future versions.
Hi Elle and welcome to the board! I'm glad the invocation at the beginning brings more clarity to the poem and that it spoke to you of loss between a child and mother.
Cheers all,
e
To bee or not to bee? Sore wa mondae da -- that is the question. I liked the connection -- no, I was enthralled -- by the connection to the Hellenistic world. It seems to me that very little is ever forgotten over the centuries. It was a contrived poem, in the best sense, and difficult to pull off. I think you did it well.
The procedure is that as soon as a member of the family has breathed his or her last a younger member of the household, often a child, is told to visit the hives. and rattling a chain of small keys taps on the hive and whispers three times: ... Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.