Fleeting Thoughts

[ElleW]

I used to be immune
to idle days, to the lure
of softness and the whispered
thrum of hidden life
that the drum of city
strife smothers like a pair of earmuffs.
Now I find myself
in tune with the soft
sigh
of a cherry blossom
when it opens, with its tiny
gasp
as it releases the tree,
and with that small
sound, like a single
teardrop,
when it hits the ground.
Now I have a theory
about idleness, about softness,
and about how silence
surrounds and teaches us all.
I even believe
the cherry blossom
thinks of its life as enough,
considers itself strong
and tough –
now I never think
of cherry blossoms as fragile,
fleeting.

[du bois]

I really enjoyed this...It has a rhythm which draws you in and uses words of a distinct environment.

Very nice

[barrie]

One or two thoughts - I don't think the earmuff simile works, it doesn't fit the poem in my opinion. You could re-work the opening -

I used to be immune
to idle days, to the lure
of softness and the whispered
thrum of hidden life
smothered by the drum
of city strife

you could trim back the next section a little - i find myself in tune with is a little long-winded.

Now I hear
the opening
of cherry blossom,
sighing
as it releases the tree,

Again, in the final section, you could cut back -

I even believe
the cherry blossom
thinks of its life as enough,
considers itself strong
and tough –
now I never think
of cherry blossoms as fragile,
fleeting.

to

I don't believe
the cherry tree
considers the illusion
of fragility,
or the falling
petals of time.

The spirit of the poem appeals to me, I just think that you've overelaborated your thoughts and given the poem too much body and not enough soul.

Sorry to sound overcritical - that's what comes with reading too much Chinese and Japanese stuff.

Barrie

[Lake]

Hi Elle,

I like the short lined verse, I think they fit the theme "fleeting" (short time) well.

Cherry blossoms or sakura are symbolic of transience of life while in your poem

now I never think
of cherry blossoms as fragile,
fleeting.

You've got that epiphany.

Enjoyed reading it. Thanks,

Lake

[ElleW]

Hi du bois. I'm glad you enjoyed the beat of this one.

Hey, Camus. Thanks for pointing out the areas that didn't quite work for you. Glad you liked the spirit of the poem.

Lake, Thanks for taking the journey and seeing the epiphany.

Thanks all for reading and commenting.

Cheers,
Elle

[barrie]

Hey, Camus. Thanks for pointing out the areas that didn't quite work for you. Glad you liked the spirit of the poem.

Hey, Elle - I'm not Camus, I'm Arachno

Albert.

[ElleW]

Oops! Sorry Barrie. Please forgive! I'm still learning the names and personalities around here. Sorry I got yours wrong!

L