Waking

[songbird]

dawn
after the dreamscape has slipped
from the rear window of memory
you wait
let all this world come back
colour by dripping colour

uncurling onto your spine
you place your right hand upon
your belly, your left hand upon
your breast and bless
the ongoing breath

rise and fall
rise
and
fall

trying to tame
the wild unstopping blood, protect
the eggshell self of dawn
from days you fling yourself against
every unseen wall


______________________________

First posting (and slight problem with formatting) but here goes...

Best to all

Songbird

[camus]

Welcome SB. I enjoyed this to a point.

A familiar poetic subject, perhaps containing all too familiar words and phrasing?

Dreamscape, rear of memory (the old subconscious)

Wasn't sure about "uncurling onto your spine" doesn't quite make sense?

Liked the word play here, rolls offa the tongue:

"your breast and bless
the ongoing breath"

Then it relapses into the all familiar "Dropdown approach"

Look, just look, my words are falling, you can see by the way they:

rise and fall
rise
and
fall

It's a bugbare of mine, that of course I've used myself, but this ain't my poem, so i can say what i want.

I enjoyed the finale:

Perhaps "unstopping" could be enthused with a little more imagination?

"the eggshell self of dawn
from days you fling yourself against
every unseen wall."

That said, again not sure the tense quite works in those three lines, perhaps:

the eggshell self of dawn
from days of flinging oneself
against every unseen wall.

Maybe not, just doesn't sound right, I could be wrong of course!

Anyhow keep posting, I'm sure you've loads to offer.

Cheers
Kris

[Elphin]

songbird

Welcome on board - a very respectable first posting.

I think the second stanza is the strongest - good sonics and rhythm and I like the idea of checking your alive when you wake.

stanza one - to avoid the overfamiliarity of the topic I think you could drop line 3 (maybe also l2) and just let it be a waking stanza. Maybe you could run the first line on from the title and have it as at dawn

Drop stanza 3 - I personally like physical depictions of words in poems but this one is too obvious and I suspect used often.

I like the last stanza - maybe change unstopping to unstoppable together with blood -unstoppable blood- you would create a good sound and almost a beating rhythm like the heart. I would also change fling for throw/smash etc - fling is a bit colloquial.

Good post - hope there is more

Elphin

[TDF]

Hey Songbird, welcome.

Nothing major to add to what has been said, they know what they're talking about much more than me.
But I am curious as to why there is next to no punctuation at all?

let all this world come back
colour by dripping colour - really like this image.

the eggshell self of dawn - love eggshell self, but dawn is a little obvious. Though I can't think of a good replacemnt atm.


come stick your crit oar in the beginners section too.
Cheers,
TDF

[barrie]

Welcome to the forum, Songbird.

I think you need to trim this one back a little. Like Elphin suggested, I'd drop lines 2 & 3.

uncurling onto your spine - sounds a little like a physiological challenge, as if you've been somehow parted from your spinal column. Why not just use 'back' instead of 'spine'?

Verse 3 adds nothing to the poem, I would say its presence detracts from the whole work. Again, I'll go with Elphin - it'd be better lost.

In the last verse, maybe you should use the participle, 'protecting' in line 2. The penultimate line made me pause - on the first read, it sounds as if the person in question is flinging theirself against the days. Maybe -

trying to tame
the wild unstopping blood, protecting
the eggshell self of dawn
from (those) days
when you fling yourself
against every unseen wall

nice one

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Welcome, Songbird.

Yes, you have to perform a cliche-otomy on S1.

Apart from that, I enjoyed this poem very much.

I would suggest that you consider an alternative to "wild,unstopping" unless you have in mind a wordplay with the idea of something being uncorked/unplugged. e.g "pounding" would fit with the image of breaking a shell.
Also I would change "against" to "at" - it reads more smoothly IMHO

Nice first post
Geoff

[thefallofRome]

Songbird--

This is so strong in certain parts, but I feel as if S1 and S3 drag the poem down. Editing would be to your advantage, and what previous posters have said concerning the weaknesses of the first stanza are true. As for the third stanza, especially when reading it out loud, it tampers with the smoothness of the piece, interrupts the rhythm in a damaging way.

I love the imagery in S2 and S4, though.

Good work.

--Rome

[ElleW]

Hi Songbird,

Welcome from another newbie. I enjoyed this first post. I do agree with much of what has been said about S3, which seems to me not to enhance the poem. I like the one word first line but agree the next two lines feel a little flat, not quite fresh. I also don't think the passive there is helpful -- consider activating that first verb to energise the poem at the outset.

I really like S2 and have no problem with the image of the first line there.

S4 may need to be a little calmer. It feels a little overly dramatic to me; but then I tend to write that way too, so I understand it well!

Good start, Songbird.

Cheers,
Elle

dawn
after the dreamscape has slipped
from the rear window of memory
you wait
let all this world come back
colour by dripping colour

uncurling onto your spine
you place your right hand upon
your belly, your left hand upon
your breast and bless
the ongoing breath

rise and fall
rise
and
fall

trying to tame
the wild unstopping blood, protect
the eggshell self of dawn
from days you fling yourself against
every unseen wall