Stars

[camus]

I like some stars; the ones furthest
away. Journey bound and fading at
the ending of each day. Burnt out yet
remorseless, zooming time away.

I like those stars.

Not the flaming balls of fire that
could, I suppose, if needs be, veer
off predestined course and wipe
us out quite needlessly.

Not those stars.

I like the stars that twinkle,
that lay gold upon the hay
pretty celestial beings, maps
of our lives some say,

Those stars.

Mythical, whimsical energies,
guiding us gently on our way.

[pseud]

You're rhyming sir? I don't think I've ever seen you do that.

[camus]

Ah its rhyming Friday, I got all caught up in it.

What do you think? most honestly!

[pseud]

As honestly as I can muster on such short notice:

This one seems to be a bit reflective and less like what I always thought of as your usual voice. (Your usual voice seems more piercing or ominous, this one seems whimsical).

As for the rhyming I think the first and second stanzas are the best, the third and fourth are, well, what is the word I'm looking for? -expendable? I'm undecided on them. "Stars that twinkle" seems to me over-used, and "that lay gold upon the hay" seems to be forced. But "gently guiding us on our way" really does remind me of the captains out at sea navigating by constelations, or the astrologers and palm readers, etc...

All in all, I'd say it could be reworked, or ended at "Not those stars."

- Caleb

[camus]

Thanks,

Points I shall ponder.

Although rhyme wasn't the course, it just happened, perhaps why it is a bit slap dash.

And in defence of "Stars that twinkle" a cliche used in the basest of terms, it was unavoidable.

[pseud]

That's true. It could have been a line simply shouting "y'know what I mean?" instead of "I shall now impress everyone with some deep description of star twinkling in a way no one ever has."

I find that if rhyme just "happens" it is much better than if I try to impose it on a subject...

[Bombadil]

Kris,

Well whimsy be...

A nice soft poem. One wonders where your cynical teeth have gone, though I speculate they are somewhere in those stars...


--Keith

[pseud]

I appreciated this one x 10 after hearing you read it. I put stresses in the wrong places I think.

[taliesin_the_poet]

First post, and all that - hi, etc.

Well, if this was as off the cuff as it is reported, I doff my tricorn in your direction. It was actually very good. I liked the way the rhymes appeared in the middle of the stanza, as in the Welsh Cynghanedd - it made it flow that much more naturally. And the changing mood - from the gentle to the harsh and back to the gentle, the poetic observation.

I like that poem...

[camus]

Pseud,

Glad the reading went down well, not down one.

Taly,

Thanks, and a late welcome to ya. I shall peruse your stuff, and try to comment.

[unchained soul]

Hi Cam,

Really enjoyed that poem. I like the way you repeated lines and just changed them slightly. Very effective.

I read about that technique in a website Ive been looking at. http://www.poetry.about.com. (Been trying to learn a bit more and improve my work)

Rach

[Bombadil]

Soul,

Dig back in the annals...you'll see more to like. Particularly from our most prolific poet. Look in the Previously Featured section. Ah, and Cam's glossary of all things poetic is quite educational. It's what lured me here in the first place.

Cheers,

Bombadil

[camus]

Rach,

Try this link, this is my poetry website, mainly for the audio link, Stars is on the audio.

http://www.nelincspoetry.co.uk/my_poems.htm

I don't update the site nearly enough, but I am at present working through the guys poems on here to update all the entries, Restrained Keith, Arku Arco, Zen Cam, Pesud the obscure etc.