Directions to healing
"Keep foot above heart level"
so I do, talons perched in mid air.
My hands roam within their ark,
harass all.
"Drink plenty of fluids"
so I try, but water nurtures
only ennui, and my plaster bound
facade crumbles within.
"Take anti-inflammatories"
so I swallow, and shit in one.
Conclusions, conclude chapters,
we live and die alone.
___________
ps I just noticed the competition is about bones/oil, funny timing on my part
Lawnmower Hums
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Gene van Troyer
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 50
- Joined: Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:31 am
How does the title connect with the poem?
"Keep foot above heart level"
so I do, talons perched in mid air.
My hands roam within their ark, (do you mean "arc""?)
harass all.
I'm guessing that the persona is trussed up in a hospital bed, but it's only the quoted instruction that suggests this. "Talons" must be intended to describe fingers, but doesn't seem to fit.
"Drink plenty of fluids"
so I try, but water nurtures
only ennui, and my plaster bound
facade crumbles within.
More about being in the hospital. The persona's in a body cast. The facade crumbles from within, or the persona's body within the plaster facade feels like it is crumbling?
"Take anti-inflammatories"
so I swallow, and shit in one.
Conclusions, conclude chapters,
we live and die alone.
Shit at the same time you swallow? Or shit in one what? I'm having a hard time visualizing shitting into an anti-inflammatory, but the unnecessary ambiguity here seems to be working against getting a clear idea of what's happening.
"Keep foot above heart level"
so I do, talons perched in mid air.
My hands roam within their ark, (do you mean "arc""?)
harass all.
I'm guessing that the persona is trussed up in a hospital bed, but it's only the quoted instruction that suggests this. "Talons" must be intended to describe fingers, but doesn't seem to fit.
"Drink plenty of fluids"
so I try, but water nurtures
only ennui, and my plaster bound
facade crumbles within.
More about being in the hospital. The persona's in a body cast. The facade crumbles from within, or the persona's body within the plaster facade feels like it is crumbling?
"Take anti-inflammatories"
so I swallow, and shit in one.
Conclusions, conclude chapters,
we live and die alone.
Shit at the same time you swallow? Or shit in one what? I'm having a hard time visualizing shitting into an anti-inflammatory, but the unnecessary ambiguity here seems to be working against getting a clear idea of what's happening.
"If you don't like my principles, I have others." —Groucho Marx
Unlike Gene, I do not have a problem with "talons perched in mid air". I like the image of a great eagle on its back laying helplessly in a body cast. I also enjoy the hands desperatly trying to move "within their ark". However, I don't think "roam" works with the image if "harass all" is meant to suggest that the hands are violently trying to free themselves from bondage. With that said, If I am correct in what you are trying to say then "harass all" may require further clarification.
In the second stanza I do have a problem with "my plaster bound - facade crumbles within". However, unlike Gene, I read it as though, you, yourself is the facade crumbling within the cast. If this is the case I don't like the dream within a dream thing going on. Also, "but water nurtures - only ennui" is a little weak. Perhaps you could play with the dehydration and crumbling self.
Now I must agree with Gene on the third stanza, I have no idea how "so I swallow, and shit in one" could even occur. And I have to say the last cuplette " Conclusions, conclude chapters, - we live and die alone." , honestly, very cliche'.
I think you have a good start, keep with the strong images you have and I like the character going over the check list in his head "Keep foot above heart level" and so on, followed by rather disdainful stanzas towards the "doctors orders". This technique works well to drive the poem.
In the second stanza I do have a problem with "my plaster bound - facade crumbles within". However, unlike Gene, I read it as though, you, yourself is the facade crumbling within the cast. If this is the case I don't like the dream within a dream thing going on. Also, "but water nurtures - only ennui" is a little weak. Perhaps you could play with the dehydration and crumbling self.
Now I must agree with Gene on the third stanza, I have no idea how "so I swallow, and shit in one" could even occur. And I have to say the last cuplette " Conclusions, conclude chapters, - we live and die alone." , honestly, very cliche'.
I think you have a good start, keep with the strong images you have and I like the character going over the check list in his head "Keep foot above heart level" and so on, followed by rather disdainful stanzas towards the "doctors orders". This technique works well to drive the poem.
Thanks for the sparse commentary. Its about me, and I wrote it whilst on codeine doing my best to retain my sanity and knowing that in a few weeks time I would have to avoid becoming James Stewart in "Rear Window". Would love to hear more from others as I think I like this flawed monster and will polish it a little. Thank you for the constructive comments.
PS my James Steward impression is getting better.
PS my James Steward impression is getting better.
lars,
Having spent time in hospital recently, doped up on codeine and morphine and their ilk, i can relate to much of this - even if I wasn't in plaster.
I know what it is like to try and keep some sense of sanity when you are all gaga on drugs, so I like the premis here with the opening line to each stanza. Trying to latch on to some thought processess, with limited success.
so I do, talons perched in mid air. - loved this line, really clear image of toes poking out from a cast, like a lame animal who is usually a predator but has lost his power. I had no cast, but I did have anti-embolism stockings, creating much the same visual effect!
My hands roam within their ark, - I don't really get the ark reference. Is it just an analogy for being trapped in the bed, adrift on a sea of vague thought?
and my plaster bound
facade crumbles within. - good double meaning for me here. A reflection of the physical wasting away inside the cast, and the psychological decay of the patient. Not to mention the vulnerability felt by someone who perhaps is usually very strong and self assure.
so I swallow, and shit in one. - guessing this means 'shit in one go'. But I have to agree with others that this is a little grammatically unclear. And interestingly I'm jealous if you could shit at all whilst on codiene, it was constipation city for me!
Conclusions, conclude chapters,
we live and die alone. - I didn't really take to the ending tbh, it really changed the tone for me. As if the whole thing was about something more severe/serious than the disjointed ramblings of a drugged up, resultingly depressed patient. It made me wonder whether ark was a hint at a coffin and that the patients condition was fatal... but this seemed to clash with the tone of the rest.
enjoyed this a lot. But think it could do with a few tweaks. Definitely worth the effort.
Tom
Having spent time in hospital recently, doped up on codeine and morphine and their ilk, i can relate to much of this - even if I wasn't in plaster.
I know what it is like to try and keep some sense of sanity when you are all gaga on drugs, so I like the premis here with the opening line to each stanza. Trying to latch on to some thought processess, with limited success.
so I do, talons perched in mid air. - loved this line, really clear image of toes poking out from a cast, like a lame animal who is usually a predator but has lost his power. I had no cast, but I did have anti-embolism stockings, creating much the same visual effect!
My hands roam within their ark, - I don't really get the ark reference. Is it just an analogy for being trapped in the bed, adrift on a sea of vague thought?
and my plaster bound
facade crumbles within. - good double meaning for me here. A reflection of the physical wasting away inside the cast, and the psychological decay of the patient. Not to mention the vulnerability felt by someone who perhaps is usually very strong and self assure.
so I swallow, and shit in one. - guessing this means 'shit in one go'. But I have to agree with others that this is a little grammatically unclear. And interestingly I'm jealous if you could shit at all whilst on codiene, it was constipation city for me!
Conclusions, conclude chapters,
we live and die alone. - I didn't really take to the ending tbh, it really changed the tone for me. As if the whole thing was about something more severe/serious than the disjointed ramblings of a drugged up, resultingly depressed patient. It made me wonder whether ark was a hint at a coffin and that the patients condition was fatal... but this seemed to clash with the tone of the rest.
enjoyed this a lot. But think it could do with a few tweaks. Definitely worth the effort.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words