Bright things

[L M Pistola]

Pulling the bottle to his lips
he draws a black sugar kiss,
acid burning sharply in his throat.
Afternoon sun bakes his skin.

Thinking of her hips
makes him feel like this:

A caught fish floundering in the boat
and that moment you throw it back in,
it bursts back to life.

The sun is bright,
the sky is bright,
the dogs, their owners and
the sea is bright.

Tipping up the bottle he sips,
Again the cola bubbles with a hiss,
The gulls in the distance float,
wheel, soar and sing,
their feathers white.

The sand is also bright
as he tastes the salty chips
and thinks of this:

The letter that he wrote,
But then in doubt screwed up
and committed to the bin.
And thinks of this:

She smiled at him.

The sky turning purple,
the clouds are red,
The world grows dim
and yet, is bright.

[dl04]

I like the third person style going on here, and the images are no doubt vivid and vibrant, but i'm feeling some elements of this piece let it down. Few points:

I feel the rythimg is slightly sporadic, it isnt consistently built in throughout the poem and that distracted me somewhat:

acid burning sharply in his throat.
Afternoon sun bakes his skin- See no rhyme in this line and then:

The sun is bright,
the sky is bright- rhyme here. I didnt get why there wasnt rhyme drummed in throughout. Felt a little disconnected for me and let the fluency of the structure dissipate a little.

Also your wording, it seems a tad cliche at times:

The gulls in the distance float,
wheel, soar and sing,
their feathers white- Too predictable, nothing powerful enough to take the reader anywhere other than the obvious.

With a tighter focus on your structure and rhyme it could blossom a bit more, but it needs a lot more work i feel.

[camus]

I'm at odds with this one.

I find the oft simple descriptions quite alluring, they allow the reader space to "paint a picture"

That said I also wonder at dl's comment "nothing powerful enough to take the reader anywhere other than the obvious."

Can you really get away with the Bright repetition? It worked for me cause I'm in a reflective mood, but a reader could easily be in a "I require a poem with poetic stuff in it" type mood.

I enjoyed it today anyhow.

cheers
Kris

[L M Pistola]

Thanks for the critiques, I appreciate it.

I dashed this out in about half an hour and posted, which seems like a sure way to put your shortcomings on show...

The mixed structure and rhyme was a bit of an experiment- i tend to tighten things up with rhyme to the point where (i think) my stuff reads with a fairly fast pace. With this I wanted to try and loosen that up and slow things down by throwing in some lines that didn't fit so neatly . Maybe it didn't work the way I'd hoped.

Can i really get away with the bright repetition? I don't know- thought I'd give it a try. I suppose it weakens in impact the more it is repeated now that I re-read it more critically.

[Wabznasm]

The bright thing, at a first glance, seemed a satirical jibe at the sterility of the modern world, and while at first that seems alluring, there is a charm to this less cynical world view - it's nice seeing a word that can be twisted whatever-which-way as clean and honest.

I'd say you want to watch out for a few rather unspectacular turns of phrases (look, there's one!) like:

acid burning
sun bakes
feathers white

... I'm sure you get the drift.

But if I was to give any criticism it would be that i think you should give your stuff time to mature. I would, at least, give a poem three days before posting it on a forum - it gives you time to think about it.

Nice having you here

Dave

[emuse]

Greetings LM,

For me, the thrust of the poem lies in the unexpected:

Pulling the bottle to his lips
he draws a black sugar kiss, (black sugar kiss--wonderful)
[acid] burning sharply in his throat. (I see this idea connected. the black sugar kiss goes down like acid)
[Afternoon sun bakes his skin.] (I don't think this line contributes much of anything. I believe each line should propel.)

Thinking of her hips
makes him feel like this: (This is a wonderful imagistic leap. I really like where you take the reader here.

A caught fish floundering in the boat
and that moment you throw it back in,
it bursts back to life. (if it were my poem I wouldn't include that line. I think the reader can visualize what happens when the fish is thrown back in -- trust your reader, less is more).

The sun is bright,
the sky is bright,
the dogs, their owners and
the sea is bright.

(I've no problem with the simplicity of this but I think you could be more eloquent.)

Tipping up the bottle he sips,
Again the cola bubbles with a hiss,
The gulls in the distance float, (these three lines terrific)
wheel, soar and sing,
their feathers white. (I agree these lines could hold more. Nothing wrong with the content but it's a let down from the earlier fresh ideas.)

The sand is also bright
as he tastes the salty chips
and thinks of this:

The letter that he wrote,
But then in doubt screwed up
and committed to the bin.
And thinks of this: (The through line works again).

She smiled at him.

The sky turning purple,
the clouds are red,
The world grows dim
and yet, is bright. (I wonder if there could be a little more here for the reader to sink into. This poem has very good bones. Just a wee bit more meat keeping on the groove of S1.)

Hope anything helpful.

e

[L M Pistola]

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

I'm not sure that I'll give this piece an overhaul at any point but your responses have been very useful.

[Cooper]

You get some real good feedback in this 'experienced' part of the forum... personally i found this to be a little cliche, what's being described and how.. I thought this in first stanza in particular.. the rhymes were sporadic which gave the poem in my opinion little sense of being a 'whole'. It's not really bringing anything new to the table..
I do like the romantic feeling and style of it though, and the fish floundering in the boat provided a nice image..

[twoleftfeet]

I find myself largely in agreement wih Kris on this one, although it has improved with subsequent readings:
The optimism -" pick yourself up dust yourself off" (OK that's a rubbish image given that I identified you with the fish, but "plenty more fish in the sea" is equally confusing - I now found quite beguiling.

Since you are repeating "bright" so many times you could perhaps make a few variations e.g
Bright sun,
the sky is bright,
the dogs, their owners and
the sea ARE bright.

Don't give up on it
Geoff