I saw things (new title, new stanzas)

[thoke]

I saw a film
about a Canadian
teenage pregnancy
which ends
in gooey romance.
I could go for some
gooey romance.

I saw the biopic
of a comic genius
who turns to drink
and grows sick
of the world.
I could go for some
comic genius.

I saw an athlete,
as human as it gets,
his architecture
in perfect conformity
to reality.
I could go for some
reality.

I saw a singer
through a keyhole
cheeks twitching in time,
eyes exploding in space,
feet reaching the low points
of the contours
of his story.
I could go for some
of his story.

I saw a girl
at a round pub table
in tissue paper trousers,
playing with her necklace
made of sweets
but staring mindfully
at the wall.
I could be that wall.



Original version

I could go for some

I saw a film
about a Canadian
teenage pregnancy
which ends
in gooey romance.
I could go for some
gooey romance.

I saw the biopic
of a surreal comic genius
who turns to drink
and grows sick
of the world.
I could go for some
surreal comic genius.

I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers,
playing with her necklace,
made of sweets
but seeing the mildew,
the wearing of varnish.
I could go for some
sexual recognition.

[marten]

I could go for some more of what you laid down here - really liked it. It holds together nicely. Not sure if it was intended to come across as being a little desperate for gooey romance, surreal comic genius, sexual recognition, or if it were more casual-like. Yeah that would really hit the spot right now. One of the strong parts was in the last stanza:

I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers

nice alliteration.


cheers
marten

[Sharra]

I like the conversational tone of this, it seems to fit together with the repetition you're using.
With the repetition, I'm not sure if having 'gooey romance' repeated so soon works in S1. Its not so much of an issue in S2 as you have the space between them. And I feel that if you're going to repeat the phrase, you need to carry that through all three stanzas - in S3 'sexual recognition' isn't repeated.

S1 - I'm not sure about 'gooey romance' it feels a bit cliched, and I felt the oooiness disturbed the rhythm.

S2 - this is the strongest stanza, although I would be tempted to take out 'surreal' - I don't think it's necessary.

S3 - this is an intriguing image and maybe worth exploring more as it feels like there is a poem there in its own right. However, I didn't understand it, or the connection with 'sexual recognition' (and the phrase sexual recognition felt a little clumsy in itself).

Sharra
x

[barrie]

The first two verses were bang on for me, but the third didn't have the same kind of straightforward thrust. The meaning was fairly clear but there seemed to be a confusion of words (well they confused me) in the two lines after 'sweets'.

I saw a girl
at a round pub table
tucked into tissue
paper trousers,
playing with her necklace,
made of sweets
but seeing the mildew,
the wearing of varnish. - The sentence appears to end after 'sweets' and this is just tagged on at the end. Who's doing the seeing, the N or the girl? I just don't see any connection here.

Apart from those two lines I thought it was fine. Maybe that 'awful God' has decided to let you be.

nice one

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Ben

Just wanted to say that I think this works. And it's nice to say that. When a poem doesn't work it's always so awkward when you have to say why. But it's ever so satisfying to say that this works. It does. Good set up. Good twist on the repetition. Good form. Good syntax. Good finish. Text book.

Just two problems --

S3 is a bit of a mess. To me at least.

First of all it seems, 'cos of the choice of 'tucked in', as if the girl is a playing card tucked down someone's trousers.

Secondly, your verbs are all a bit mad here

but seeing the mildew,

I can only assume that refers to you as the subject right? If so, the tenses have changed from past to present and that's a bit, well, off. If you're going for some sort of subversion then I've missed it I'm afraid.

My other problem, and this is tiny, is this: does it work too well? It completely conformed to my expectations in how it developed and I know that you're the kind of writer who indulges in being a bit off of the radar (or used to). Does it sit well with you? It'd sit well with me; I'd like to write a poem that works.

Dave

[thoke]

Thanks for all the comments, I agree with most of the suggestions so I'll take them on board soon.

My other problem, and this is tiny, is this: does it work too well? It completely conformed to my expectations in how it developed and I know that you're the kind of writer who indulges in being a bit off of the radar (or used to). Does it sit well with you?

Good question. I must admit I am a bit uneasy with how neat and straightforward the first two stanzas are, which is why I threw in the nonsense at the end. Those stanzas were very easy to write as well, which feels a little bit wrong.

Ben

[minim]

I loved the way this poem is almost stacatto... it stops and starts like different frames to encapsulate images.

Is a stanza a section of a poem?

[emuse]

HI Ben,

The others have already pointed out the strengths and weaknesses here. I found the first two strophes charming but found myself wanting more (several more stanzas in fact). I got completely lost in the varnish.... Consider adding on to this idea. I think you could find many ideas for the reader to connect with to engage him fully and universally.

e

[thoke]

I've added more and changed the title (not sure about the title). Hope I haven't spoiled it.

Is a stanza a section of a poem?

Yes.

Ben

[twoleftfeet]

Like Barrie, I was intrigued by whether it was you or the girl who had the mildew and varnish!
It;s a shame that you haven't been able to work this paradox into your final draft.

Also "tucked into tissue trousers" was my favourite line.

Nice one, Ben.

[thoke]

Like Barrie, I was intrigued by whether it was you or the girl who had the mildew and varnish!
It;s a shame that you haven't been able to work this paradox into your final draft.

Well, I didn't try to work it in. But maybe I will.

Also "tucked into tissue trousers" was my favourite line.

That's one vote in favour and one against. Maybe I'll flip a coin.

Thanks,
Ben