When did my life divide,
creating two periods:
before and after you?
Remember those hours:
bored by your voice,
uncaptivated by looking at you.
Time passed me by; I missed
it all, watching but not
remembering. Time that would now
be hoarded and treasured, seconds
like grains of gold slipping through,
swung heavily on my eyelids.
I look back and am jealous of myself,
not yet stretched, marked, sucked dry:
full of other unrequited loves,
one organist or another, now long gone.
How I wish I could look at you,
as you were then and I am now,
walk across the room and take
your hand and lead us both
to somewhere outside time.
Original
When did my life divide,
constituting two periods:
before and after you?
I can remember all those hours
bored by your voice,
uncaptivated by looking at you.
It passed me by; I missed all that,
watching but not remembering.
Time that would now be precious
hung heavily on my eyelids,
hours of personal contact time,
dreaded, almost resented, in equal measure.
Now I look back and am jealous of myself:
So free, so young, so unaware,
Not yet pierced, marked, worn out,
Full of other unrequited loves,
One organist or another, now long gone.
Now I wish I could look at you
As you were then and I am now
Crossing the years and warning myself:
Run away, run away (and never come back).
Before and after you (again)
-
beautifulloser
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 934
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 11:03 pm
- Location: South Of Watford
- Contact:
Hey
Very cool. My only nit would be to say that it's more of a soliloquy than a poem at the moment. Although I'd have to be honest and say I wouldn't know where the fine line is between both as I tend to churn out similar stuff myself and then forget there is a craft to it. What that craft is, is down to each individual, as with anything artistic. No one can limit your freedom to express yourself as you want to.
But interpreting the poem, I'd say it's all good, wholesome and honest stuff. The organist image is a good one, could maybe be developed more in the context of what you want to say, so that what is said is more allegorical than stated. Shown a little more, told a little less. It's inspired, regardless: Love and Theft spring to mind.
Hope that helps.
big love
me
x
Very cool. My only nit would be to say that it's more of a soliloquy than a poem at the moment. Although I'd have to be honest and say I wouldn't know where the fine line is between both as I tend to churn out similar stuff myself and then forget there is a craft to it. What that craft is, is down to each individual, as with anything artistic. No one can limit your freedom to express yourself as you want to.
But interpreting the poem, I'd say it's all good, wholesome and honest stuff. The organist image is a good one, could maybe be developed more in the context of what you want to say, so that what is said is more allegorical than stated. Shown a little more, told a little less. It's inspired, regardless: Love and Theft spring to mind.
Hope that helps.
big love
me
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!
Now I wish I could look at you
As you were then and I am now - Wouldn't it just be an eye-opener - you're not the only one who thinks like that.
I like this a lot more than your last one - so don't knock it.
Couple of things -
Time that would now be precious
hung heavily on my eyelids, - Isn't time....hung heavily a little overused? what about time.... swung heavily on my eyelids (pendulums and things.)
The other thing is - hours of personal contact time, - Doesn't hours imply time - besides, you've used time already a couple of lines before - times up.
nice one
Barrie
As you were then and I am now - Wouldn't it just be an eye-opener - you're not the only one who thinks like that.
I like this a lot more than your last one - so don't knock it.
Couple of things -
Time that would now be precious
hung heavily on my eyelids, - Isn't time....hung heavily a little overused? what about time.... swung heavily on my eyelids (pendulums and things.)
The other thing is - hours of personal contact time, - Doesn't hours imply time - besides, you've used time already a couple of lines before - times up.
nice one
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Helen. I like this and would go with it like this. It changes very little but reads better, I think.
The bold I would excise the () I would add.
Have a look and see what you think. It is a good write and worth a little tinker.
Jimmy
When did my life divide,
constituting two periods:
before and after you?
I can remember all those hours
bored by your voice,
uncaptivated by looking at you.
It passed me by; I missed all that,
watching but not remembering.
Time that would now be precious
hung heavily on my eyelids,
hours of personal contact time,
dreaded, almost resented,(equally) in equal measure.
Now I look back and am jealous of myself:
So free, so young, so unaware,
Not yet pierced, marked, worn out,
Full of other(by) unrequited loves,
One organist or another, now long gone.
Now I wish I could (see you) look at you
As you were then, and (as) I am now
Crossing the years and warning myself:
Run away, run away (and never come back).
The bold I would excise the () I would add.
Have a look and see what you think. It is a good write and worth a little tinker.
Jimmy
When did my life divide,
constituting two periods:
before and after you?
I can remember all those hours
bored by your voice,
uncaptivated by looking at you.
It passed me by; I missed all that,
watching but not remembering.
Time that would now be precious
hung heavily on my eyelids,
hours of personal contact time,
dreaded, almost resented,(equally) in equal measure.
Now I look back and am jealous of myself:
So free, so young, so unaware,
Not yet pierced, marked, worn out,
Full of other(by) unrequited loves,
One organist or another, now long gone.
Now I wish I could (see you) look at you
As you were then, and (as) I am now
Crossing the years and warning myself:
Run away, run away (and never come back).
-
Sharra
- Preternatural Poster
- Posts: 1604
- Joined: Mon May 26, 2008 6:59 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Whitstabubble
- Contact:
I think this is a really interesting poem, I love the starting point of your life as split into 2 around a man, one of those ideas I wish I'd had. Also, this feels really honest.
I think it does need a fair bit of tweaking to work it into the really good poem the concept has the potential to be.
I've also taken the liberty of pasting into word and playing with it, just for a few ideas.
I've split it up into stanzas, it felt to me that the subject needed space for the reader to feel the gulf of time.
When did my life divide, into two
periods: before and after you?
I remember those hours bored
by your voice, uncaptivated.
It passed me by; I missed all that,
watching but not remembering.
Time that would now be precious
were dreaded hours
hung heavily on my eyelids, (im not keen on hung heavily - feels cliched)
Now I look back and am jealous of myself:
So free, so young, so unaware,
Not yet pierced, marked, worn out,
Full of other unrequited loves, (this line feels a contradiction of previous one, unrequited love=pain surely?)
One organist or another, now long gone.
Now I wish I could look at you (I think this stanza is working ok)
as you were then and I am now (now used twice, maybe remove previous one)
Crossing the years and warning myself:
run away, run away (and never come back).
This is just a quick edit. I think it would be great to extend the time connection if you could into the other stanzas, maybe brainstorm words around time, clocks etc and see if anything arises that would fit the meanings you need. I think this is worth the effort
Sharra
xx
I think it does need a fair bit of tweaking to work it into the really good poem the concept has the potential to be.
I've also taken the liberty of pasting into word and playing with it, just for a few ideas.
I've split it up into stanzas, it felt to me that the subject needed space for the reader to feel the gulf of time.
When did my life divide, into two
periods: before and after you?
I remember those hours bored
by your voice, uncaptivated.
It passed me by; I missed all that,
watching but not remembering.
Time that would now be precious
were dreaded hours
hung heavily on my eyelids, (im not keen on hung heavily - feels cliched)
Now I look back and am jealous of myself:
So free, so young, so unaware,
Not yet pierced, marked, worn out,
Full of other unrequited loves, (this line feels a contradiction of previous one, unrequited love=pain surely?)
One organist or another, now long gone.
Now I wish I could look at you (I think this stanza is working ok)
as you were then and I am now (now used twice, maybe remove previous one)
Crossing the years and warning myself:
run away, run away (and never come back).
This is just a quick edit. I think it would be great to extend the time connection if you could into the other stanzas, maybe brainstorm words around time, clocks etc and see if anything arises that would fit the meanings you need. I think this is worth the effort
Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
Hello all!
Thanks for all your comments. I didn't want to post more stuff until I'd had a chance to engage with this one and have a crack at editing it. I've done that and changed it quite a lot. I think it still has a fair few problems, especially rhythmic, and I'd appreciate any further thoughts.
One day I'll go back through and produce an edited version of the whole bloody lot. But that might have to wait until I'm on research leave!
cheers
Helen
Thanks for all your comments. I didn't want to post more stuff until I'd had a chance to engage with this one and have a crack at editing it. I've done that and changed it quite a lot. I think it still has a fair few problems, especially rhythmic, and I'd appreciate any further thoughts.
One day I'll go back through and produce an edited version of the whole bloody lot. But that might have to wait until I'm on research leave!
cheers
Helen
hey helen,
was just about to get some sleep when i read this, but youve awoken my senses for now. first off i really like whats there, i agree that it needs some structual tinkering and i dont think the revised version has the answer. although i defo prefer the ending in the revision. really like the way time kept cropping up in the piece, right through to the end where youve had enough. anyway, im fookin knackered but heres what i think:
When did my life divide,
creating two periods:
before
and after you?
Remember those hours:
bored by your voice, uncaptivated
by looking at you.
Time passed me by; I missed it all
watching but not
remembering.
Time that would now
be hoarded and treasured,
seconds
like grains of gold
slipping through,
swung heavily on my eyelids.
I look back
and am jealous of myself,
not yet stretched,
marked,
sucked dry:
full of other unrequited loves.
One organist or another
now long gone,
I wish I could look at you
(as you were then - and I am now)
walking across the room,
and take us both to somewhere
outside time.
the ending catches on me, it just stumbles a little so i made a small change
nice one
harrison
was just about to get some sleep when i read this, but youve awoken my senses for now. first off i really like whats there, i agree that it needs some structual tinkering and i dont think the revised version has the answer. although i defo prefer the ending in the revision. really like the way time kept cropping up in the piece, right through to the end where youve had enough. anyway, im fookin knackered but heres what i think:
When did my life divide,
creating two periods:
before
and after you?
Remember those hours:
bored by your voice, uncaptivated
by looking at you.
Time passed me by; I missed it all
watching but not
remembering.
Time that would now
be hoarded and treasured,
seconds
like grains of gold
slipping through,
swung heavily on my eyelids.
I look back
and am jealous of myself,
not yet stretched,
marked,
sucked dry:
full of other unrequited loves.
One organist or another
now long gone,
I wish I could look at you
(as you were then - and I am now)
walking across the room,
and take us both to somewhere
outside time.
the ending catches on me, it just stumbles a little so i made a small change
nice one
harrison
Aren't people absurd! They never use the freedoms they do have but demand those they don't have; they have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech.