Glissando (revised)
Yielding organza
exposed open thighs
she arches
over her cello
like a black winged vulture;
singing sinews echo
life through a wooden corpse.
Glissando
Yielding organza, exposed
open thighs; she arches
over her spruce cello
like a black winged vulture.
Plucking sinews, echoes
life through a wooden corpse.
.
Glissando (revised)
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Sharra
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I thought this was a very disturbing image of a cello/cellist.
The first 3 lines hinted at the sensuality of the instrument, which felt right, I did wonder if you needed both exposed and open though - maybe just exposed would be enough.
I wasn't comfortable with the darkness of the last 3 lines. As an ex-cellist, they have never felt like 'wooden corpses' the instrument in itself always felt alive and waiting to be played. But thats just my personal taste - so leaving that aside...
I thought the image of the vulture was very strong and worked well. But the last 2 lines didn't work grammatically for me. Assuming you want to keep the full stop after vulture (and I think you should), it seems you're not sure what 'plucking' is actually doing - it reads like it could just be an adjective not a verb, if its a verb then who is plucking. Should it read 'Plucking sinews, she echoes' or 'the plucking sinews echo' ? I also wonder whether 'breathes life' would be better than 'echoes life'?
I think this could be extended by returning back to the sensuality you capture in the beginning, rather than just ending on the 'wooden corpse' she could be seducing the narrator. Hmm, unless you are and 'wooden corpse' isn't the cello? Which would be very clever but maybe then the vulture image isn't appropriate.
I'm confusing myself now so I'll stop. I liked the potential in this tho
Sharra
x
The first 3 lines hinted at the sensuality of the instrument, which felt right, I did wonder if you needed both exposed and open though - maybe just exposed would be enough.
I wasn't comfortable with the darkness of the last 3 lines. As an ex-cellist, they have never felt like 'wooden corpses' the instrument in itself always felt alive and waiting to be played. But thats just my personal taste - so leaving that aside...
I thought the image of the vulture was very strong and worked well. But the last 2 lines didn't work grammatically for me. Assuming you want to keep the full stop after vulture (and I think you should), it seems you're not sure what 'plucking' is actually doing - it reads like it could just be an adjective not a verb, if its a verb then who is plucking. Should it read 'Plucking sinews, she echoes' or 'the plucking sinews echo' ? I also wonder whether 'breathes life' would be better than 'echoes life'?
I think this could be extended by returning back to the sensuality you capture in the beginning, rather than just ending on the 'wooden corpse' she could be seducing the narrator. Hmm, unless you are and 'wooden corpse' isn't the cello? Which would be very clever but maybe then the vulture image isn't appropriate.
I'm confusing myself now so I'll stop. I liked the potential in this tho
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
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Sharra
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P.S - this reminded me of the quote by the conductor Thomas Beecham "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
Hi Sharra
I appreciate your reply and see where you are coming from, to be honest this was a longer peice that I have plyed about with for a couple of hours, couldn't seem to get it right. I split it into three and the poem I posted looked to be the best option in amongst the frustration.
Maybe I should have posted the whole thing, which looked more like this.
Yielding organza exposes
open thighs, she arches
over her spruce cello
like a black-winged vulture
plucking sinews, echoes
life from a wooden corpse.
Its neck held against hers
while broadening strokes
of expression perforate
my emotional membrane
flooding my mind with
glissando tones, forming
musical plains spilled over
sonic-horizons, sustained
by the movement of sound,
decay forms a hollow silence.
By the way I loved the second reply, thanks for sharing that.
Maybe this longer version makes more sense of what I had in mind.
I'll have good read through and consider your points and get back to re-write this as I think it worth a little work.
Many thanks
Tim
I appreciate your reply and see where you are coming from, to be honest this was a longer peice that I have plyed about with for a couple of hours, couldn't seem to get it right. I split it into three and the poem I posted looked to be the best option in amongst the frustration.
Maybe I should have posted the whole thing, which looked more like this.
Yielding organza exposes
open thighs, she arches
over her spruce cello
like a black-winged vulture
plucking sinews, echoes
life from a wooden corpse.
Its neck held against hers
while broadening strokes
of expression perforate
my emotional membrane
flooding my mind with
glissando tones, forming
musical plains spilled over
sonic-horizons, sustained
by the movement of sound,
decay forms a hollow silence.
By the way I loved the second reply, thanks for sharing that.
Maybe this longer version makes more sense of what I had in mind.
I'll have good read through and consider your points and get back to re-write this as I think it worth a little work.
Many thanks
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Tim, I had to google organza to check it meant what I thought it meant - it did, pretty much - and also spruce - is it much used in cellos? It is apparently.
I thought Sharra gave you an excellent critique from which I don't really want to dissent. Looking at the longer version, I can see why you decided to cut it down, but opening it up also has virtues. Tricky.
It is interesting, the way you seem to conflate sex and death. An uncomfortable combination!
I'd be interested to see which way you go from here with this.
Cheers
David
I thought Sharra gave you an excellent critique from which I don't really want to dissent. Looking at the longer version, I can see why you decided to cut it down, but opening it up also has virtues. Tricky.
It is interesting, the way you seem to conflate sex and death. An uncomfortable combination!
I'd be interested to see which way you go from here with this.
Cheers
David
Thank you David,
Spruce is fairly commonly used for sound-boards and associated accoustic chambers. This is one of those peices where the ideas seem worthy of using but articulating them is not easy. I am trying to work with material that is a little better quality than the quantity I usually roll out. The idea is to get fewer better poems actually worked to conclusion, as that is a more useful exercise for me at this time.
The corpse represents the fact that trees and other materials in the build of the instrument are actually dead and became so, for the sake of the instrument. The thighs, well you know me by now, I can't resist having a little bare flesh in amongst the lines, I should have grown out of it by now.
The combination seemed to work, but I have seen a lot to ponder in both replies which will give me some more direction to explore and rework the poem. I will get this one done before I put anything else up here, so as you see I am trying, very at times. I thought I better slip that in before someone else does.
Many thanks
Tim
Spruce is fairly commonly used for sound-boards and associated accoustic chambers. This is one of those peices where the ideas seem worthy of using but articulating them is not easy. I am trying to work with material that is a little better quality than the quantity I usually roll out. The idea is to get fewer better poems actually worked to conclusion, as that is a more useful exercise for me at this time.
The corpse represents the fact that trees and other materials in the build of the instrument are actually dead and became so, for the sake of the instrument. The thighs, well you know me by now, I can't resist having a little bare flesh in amongst the lines, I should have grown out of it by now.
The combination seemed to work, but I have seen a lot to ponder in both replies which will give me some more direction to explore and rework the poem. I will get this one done before I put anything else up here, so as you see I am trying, very at times. I thought I better slip that in before someone else does.
Many thanks
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
I like this one, Tim - You did well to trim it, the longer version's too wordy. I would say drop spruce, as you know, there is more than one type of wood used.
she arches
over the cello
like a black winged vulture..
When I read the last couple of lines, I thought about 'the singing bone' - Someone found a bone and fashioned a musical instrument from it, when it was blown it began to sing about how it belonged to a person who'd been murdered, why, and who'd done it - justice was subsequently seen to be done.
Anyway, fairy-story over, I had an idea.
Singing sinews echo
life through a wooden corpse.
Good one
Barrie
she arches
over the cello
like a black winged vulture..
When I read the last couple of lines, I thought about 'the singing bone' - Someone found a bone and fashioned a musical instrument from it, when it was blown it began to sing about how it belonged to a person who'd been murdered, why, and who'd done it - justice was subsequently seen to be done.
Anyway, fairy-story over, I had an idea.
Singing sinews echo
life through a wooden corpse.
Good one
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Barrie,
I couldn't get this right, your ideas are very helpful as I did ultimately want this to be a short peice as I felt the posted version held the real guts of the poem. Trimming is not always easy after slaving over the lines only to discard them. I have seen you chop what I thought were great lines from your own work, and see the benefit that can be had with some work. I have revised the poem, altered the line breaks and punctuation and hopefuly have not cocked it up.
Many thanks
Tim
I couldn't get this right, your ideas are very helpful as I did ultimately want this to be a short peice as I felt the posted version held the real guts of the poem. Trimming is not always easy after slaving over the lines only to discard them. I have seen you chop what I thought were great lines from your own work, and see the benefit that can be had with some work. I have revised the poem, altered the line breaks and punctuation and hopefuly have not cocked it up.
Many thanks
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
A much more tuneful rendering with the revision, Tim. I must say that in almost everything of yours that I have read there is great imagery and this adds to the canon. Your range of subject matter and inspired phraseology mean that all of yours are well worth the reading.
Jimmy
Jimmy
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ray miller
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I think it's very good, the use of vulture and a wooden corpse especially so. I do think it's a mistake to remove the punctuation after thighs, though. I almost forgot. You keep on spelling piece as peice and it is driving me barmy. Stop it!
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Thanks Jimmy
It's great to read some encouraging words from time to time, it helps keep the interest very much alive.
Writing is not my natural form of expression, I am learning as we all do, and while circumstances prevent me from becoming totally absorbed in paint on canvas the writing is great for short bursts.
I appreciate your comments.
Ray I will have a think about the punctuation, I appreciate your thoughts. I will try and prevent my posting of piece vs peice, although to be honest there are a few examples of the word in this thread which I typed that look ok. Of course the font fiary might have corrected them in my absence
Thanks guys
Tim
It's great to read some encouraging words from time to time, it helps keep the interest very much alive.
Writing is not my natural form of expression, I am learning as we all do, and while circumstances prevent me from becoming totally absorbed in paint on canvas the writing is great for short bursts.
I appreciate your comments.
Ray I will have a think about the punctuation, I appreciate your thoughts. I will try and prevent my posting of piece vs peice, although to be honest there are a few examples of the word in this thread which I typed that look ok. Of course the font fiary might have corrected them in my absence
Thanks guys
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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Sharra
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Hi Tim
Reading the longer version, I think you did right in chopping lots out. There were some bits I really liked in it tho:
'Its neck held against hers' and 'musical plains' were great. I really liked the image of the cello's neck against hers, thats just so what its like - you can give them a cuddle!
I thought 'singing sinews' were an improvement on 'plucking sinews', those last 2 lines are much better now. I'm also glad you took out 'spruce'.
But I think I preferred the punctuation and line breaks of the first one - I like enjambed lines, and I think having 'exposed' and 'arches' at the end of the lines, highlights the sensuality.
Sharra
x
Reading the longer version, I think you did right in chopping lots out. There were some bits I really liked in it tho:
'Its neck held against hers' and 'musical plains' were great. I really liked the image of the cello's neck against hers, thats just so what its like - you can give them a cuddle!
I thought 'singing sinews' were an improvement on 'plucking sinews', those last 2 lines are much better now. I'm also glad you took out 'spruce'.
But I think I preferred the punctuation and line breaks of the first one - I like enjambed lines, and I think having 'exposed' and 'arches' at the end of the lines, highlights the sensuality.
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
-
bobvincent
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Beautifully evocative in its description and sensuality, but what does it SAY to the outsider about life or people?
Tim
Bob asks "what does it say to an outsider about life or people".
My answer is I dont know exactly but the words, the contrasting dead and alive images, the eroticism all made me stop and think and wonder and form a view so for me it worked - one of your best shorts.
I hope you dont mind me saying but I think the quality of your shorts is a notch above the longer pieces. The impression is each word is carefully selected - I think the challenge for you might be to take that careful selection into longer pieces.
Good stuff
elph
Bob asks "what does it say to an outsider about life or people".
My answer is I dont know exactly but the words, the contrasting dead and alive images, the eroticism all made me stop and think and wonder and form a view so for me it worked - one of your best shorts.
I hope you dont mind me saying but I think the quality of your shorts is a notch above the longer pieces. The impression is each word is carefully selected - I think the challenge for you might be to take that careful selection into longer pieces.
Good stuff
elph