Tight Lines

[R. Broath]

Yes. It's all words. The tingle on the tongue
like sherbet. He knows them, knows their sounding
for he has been a fisherman, has strung
lines across the river’s page, astounding,
rippling rhyme. Caught fat thoughts leaping the head-
waters of springtime. Cast from doubtful stand
a hopeful string, played words, then bank-wards led
the rainbow rush of syllables to land,
fresh as a new simile, a pink gilled
poem. And though he knew what he fished for,
and in its grand landing might have been thrilled
he had yet to hook the one he wished for.

[Sulpicia]

Wow!
A fisher of words.
Loved this.

Particularly liked ' Caught fat thoughts ' and 'the rainbow rush of syllables ' and the ending.
A couple of moments where I wasn't sure it was quite the right word: l.7 string - fits in aurally with the patterns of assonance and previous use of strung, but seems somehow a bit weak.
Also I wasn't sure about 'fresh as a new simile' which struck me as a bit too clever.
But others may well disagree.
A great read.
Helenx

[barrie]

Very good, I like the metaphor. Not that it matters, but why did you stop two lines off a sonnet?
Ive never been keen on using the same word to make rhyme but I think fished for and wished for works quite well here.

Maybe you could add a couple of lines to tell us what you were using for bait.

Good one

Barrie

[jms]

Excellent! If this doesn't rank among the Featured Poems, it'll be a travesty of justice.

Jon

[Elphin]

RB

Very good indeed - many wonderful images in the metaphor like fat thoughts, doubtful stand and rainbow rush are just a few.

Neat ending - I think we all wish for that big one that got away.

Its maybe unnecessary to crit but let may draw your attention to where I halted

I was a little tripped by the singulars and plurals in l1 and l2 and what did "them" relate to. Here's how I was reading it

Yes. They're all words. They tingle on the tongue
like sherbet. He knows them, knows their sounding

String isnt quite sitting comfortably with me - it sits just a little outside the metaphor I think.

astounding - seems forced for the rhyme.

These are no more than the nittiest of nits - you should be very proud of this piece IMO.

elph

[Suzanne]

Excellent and beautiful image.
The idea that the fisherman loved his work was clear.
The ending is wonderful and real.

Great!
Suzanne

[twoleftfeet]

Jimmy,

I particularly liked
the rainbow rush of syllables
- which is a perfect description of being "in the zone" (I imagine, never having been there)

The tingle on the tongue that you mention is known technically as the semantickle

Great idea and great title
Geoff

[stuartryder]

Arb, if you're fishing for compliments, forget it. You're too good for that.

I did like the angle on this, though. I was hooked.

Stuart

[R. Broath]

Helen. Thank you for the read and comment. 'String' I used because I had already used 'lines' and thought it would fit.
I have often been called the exact opposite of 'too clever' so that, at least, makes a change.

Barrie. I stopped because I was fearful of extending the metaphor to breaking strain. And I also think of sonnets as octet/sestet with different emphases. The only other excuse I can offer is running out of ideas. The bait I always employ whilst fishing in these waters is an optimistic mix of inspiration and a very small handful of capability. Thanks for reading.

Jon. I am delighted you found this worthy and your generous remarks are very welcome.

I will take a look at those opening lines, Elph. As for the rhyme - yes, although in my defence I meant to imply a certain irony in that word. Thank you for the suggestions.

Suzanne. Yes, this fisherman enjoys his time along the banks and hopes (as we all do) not to have to throw too many back.

Thank you Geoff. I love 'semantickle'. As for 'in the zone' I am a rare visitor to that place, wherever it may be.

Stuart. I always fish for compliments and frequently return with an empty basket. Glad to have hooked you with this and thank you for the comments.

Jimmy

[David]

Not much time to comment now, but I have to agree that this is seriously good. I only, at present, object to the title. It seems a little glib, and unworthy of what is a very good poem. Them's my thoughts, anyway.

Cheers

David

[dedalus]

This is a certain kind of writing, pithy, full of withheld energy, that I can admire but not go along with. I withdraw from it, in all its purity, because this is not the way I could go, nor have chosen to go. This is a lunging powerful poem of its kind, white-knuckled, barely restrained, very tense ... there can be no question as to the excellence and accuracy of the word-choices within the form; it's just the elected form I have trouble with. It's like watching an eagle in a cage. Wouldn't it be better to smash the fuckin cage (the form) and let the eagle fly?

respectfully,
Brendan

[R. Broath]

I am not the world's best originator of titles David and agree that this might not be the best but it fits the subject and gets most of my intention across. Thanks for the comments and I will think on a change.

Again, Brendan, I agree that form is restrictive but I find that sometimes a poem almost chooses its own nativity.

Here is a quote from Michael Donaghy which I think goes some way to defending my choice;
'If writing poems were merely a matter of bulldozing ahead with what you'd already made up your mind to say I'd have long ago given it up for something more dignified.'

So with form. I could have written something similar without the imperative of rhyme but it would have been a twin not a singleton.

Thanks both for your thoughts on this. Much appreciated.

Jimmy

[dedalus]

Hi Jimmy,

Well, I'm glad we got over our ... I was about to say "theological" but it's more "teleological" ... differences with neither bruise nor gash on either side. We do these things differently, agreed, and so we move on, which doesn't make me any less aware of the Hopkins-like surprise and glisten attaching to the words brought up in your net: in particular I was blown away by 'the rainbow rush of syllables ... fresh as a new simile, a pink gilled poem'. That, to me, is the real thing in any language or form. Jesus, how I wish I'd thought of it myself! (I will, probably, and then have to restrain myself ... it's almost too good a line NOT to use with or without its proper attribution). Anyway, you're one of the blessed or damned, according to local tastes and mores, touched with the Holy Sickness, the self-induced ailment of squeezing out fresh meanings and structures from the precise alignment of words ... the brightly-coloured little Lego blocks we earnestly play around with. We all get the same blocks to start with, and come up with wildly different results!

All the very best,
Brendan

[ray miller]

It's very, very good, Jimmy. I especially liked the ending. It reminded me of Moby Dick. No disrespect meant to anyone here but it seems right and fitting that an American like Melville should be after The Big White Whale whilst in this part of the world ambitions are not so grand. Only slight quibble I'd mention is that I can't convince myself about "fat" thoughts.

[ray miller]

I had to come back to this as I was out putting the washing on the line, a tight line it so happens, when I realised that an event of huge significance had almost gone unrecorded. barrie has recommended that a poem be lengthened!There can be no greater testimony to a poems' greatness than that. Is it a first? I'm almost tempted to trawl through Poets' Graves history to find out, but perhaps not. We do indeed live in momentous times.

[barrie]

Your washing line's too long, Ray. Try shortening it by wrapping it around your neck and spinning very quickly - let me know how you get on.

But keep it short, eh.

Rays's sharp tongue
cut short a long line:
but his neck needed washing.

Barrie

[R. Broath]

Brendan, thanks for the kind words. Whether form follows function or vice versa is a moot point in many aspects of life and I think in this case it was a toss-up which way it would go. But as you say, we can continue to pursue almost parallel paths and hope to touch, or nearly so, once in a while.

Ray. Hi, and thank you, twice. 'Fat thoughts' to me are like those mythical fish I hear about from my angler friends; they do exist but I, like them, manage rarely to hook the buggers.
And yes, it is an unusual request for barrie to advise extra length. Maybe you are getting through to him.

Barrie, I think that perhaps your last is addressed to Ray. I always do my washing on Mondays.

Jimmy

[barrie]

Barrie, I think that perhaps your last is addressed to Ray. I always do my washing on Mondays

- So it is, so it is (it's the age, you know) - I'll go back an edit it.

[Danté]

Jimmy

Late to the party I´m afraid, but I have read this a few times now and wanted to let you know I thought it a cracker of a poem. Sorry I have no input, I can not really see anything I would alter.
Really enjoyed and will continue to.
All the best

Tim

[pitseleh]

Jimmy,

this is seriously good. reminds me of a quote i heard from woody guthrie, cant find it right now. but it was a similar notion to yours, that all the good stuff is there, and someones just got to tune in or cast out and its theirs. really expansive thinking. i think this is your first thing ive read and its safe to say i'll be eagerly awaiting your next piece.

cheers
harrison

[pseud]

Jimmy - seems unanimous - this is a good poem. I think it's good enough to be featured as well. Not much else to say.

Caleb

[emuse]

He knows them, knows their sounding
for he has been a fisherman, has strung
lines across the river’s page

Some of the most beautiful words I've read in awhile. Just admiration coming at ya. This metaphor is well rendered and originally wrought. Well done!

e

[R. Broath]

Tim, Harrison, Caleb and e. Thank you all for visiting this. Seems to work for most and your comments are much appreciated. Still trying to land the elusive one but the fun is in the reflections off the dark waters and wondering what might lurk beneath.

Jimmy

[bobvincent]

I like this- you maintain the metaphor throughout and end it satisfyingly, although I personally think that art about art is inward-looking and slightly self-absorbed.