Aware

[twelveoone]

I was not aware
I would go through life and find no reason

I try forgetting
so there will be nothing
but consuming emptiness

Still
contemplation of those breaking moments
that became who I am
a ghost, glued with a chameleon’s skin
that I try shedding,
as I try forgetting
the litany of failures
Recited to Me
Recited to Me
endlessly
unforgetting, unshedding
this cloak of failures
assigned to me
now
resigned by me
as obsence litany

Did you see me
in the cold rain in the forest
as a vague and ugly ghost
a monsterous form assumed
reprehensible, half crawling
with a basketfull of souls
traversing clouded downward slope
grasping for limbs, footholds
slipping on strewn November leaves
to occluded stream

Where as an old woman would,
with clawed hands in hard water
I try to wash away the smear
of shame and father’s failures
the stain of stolen hope

So you, my child,
may be equal amoung the souls of spring
and see with unoccluded eye
your self smile in reflections
rippling in the stream

And in the passing of things
will you listen for
in your spring fed by melting snow
a sigh in the stirring of pine needles
and hear your forest ghost
aware
of no reason
alone

[Sean Kinsella]

TWELVEOONE

Superb stuff.

These lines in particular:-

"contemplation of those breaking moments
that became who I am
a ghost, glued with a chameleons skin"

And...

"with a basketfull of souls
traversing clouded downward slope"

And...

"And in the passing of things
will you listen for
in your spring fed by melting snow
a sigh in the stirring of pine needles
and hear your forest ghost
aware
of no reason
alone"

beautiful imagery....well done.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

[twelveoone]

Thank you Sean,
I am never happy with this one.
What didn't you like? What didn't work?
Something isn't working for me, I can't really put my finger on it.
I am pround of this, though:
"a ghost, glued with a chameleons skin"
it was distilled down from 20 bad lines.

[jkvanburen]

Spectacular 1201, glad to see you posting here. I will search through this again, looking for places you might consider changing. What exactly are you not happy with here?

[jkvanburen]

okay 1201 I am gonna tear this poem apart, not because it isn't good, but because it is.


1. Why no periods? Some of these phrases run into each other on and one, and it is difficult to see where I am supposed to stop.

2. Verb tense. I think you could lose some of the 'ing's. I will show a few that I think could go.

3. Sometimes the prases are organized so that the topic and description are too far away to carry through, making it hard to read.

Here I go line by line

I was not aware
I would go through life and find no reason.

I try [forgetting] (to forget)
so there will be nothing (left)
[but] (beyond) consuming emptiness.

Still
contemplation of [those] breaking moments<what do you mean by "breaking" Like late breaking news or shattered?
that became who I am(,)
a ghost[,] glued with a chameleon’s skin(.)

[that] I try [shedding,] (to shed)
as I try [forgetting] (to forget)
the litany of failures
Recited to Me
Recited to Me <good use of repetition
endlessly
unforgetting, unshedding
this cloak of failures
assigned to me
(and)now
resigned by me
as obsence litany(.)

[Did you see me]
(I)n the cold rain in the forest
did you see me
as a vague and ugly ghost(?)
(A) monsterous form assumed
reprehensible, half crawling
with a basketfull of souls
[traversing] (that traverse a) clouded downward slope(?)
(It)grasp[ing](s) for limbs, footholds
(and)slip(s)[ping] on strewn November leaves
to (the) occluded stream <this is a really long sentence! Can you think of a way to break it up a bit?

Where as an old woman would,<with the "where as an" I expected a comparison. She would wash with clawed hands, while I ....... I would recommend finishing the comparison or cut out the "where as an"with clawed hands in hard water(,)
I try to wash away the smear
of shame and father’s failures
(and)the stain of stolen hope

So you, my child,
may be equal amoung the souls of spring
and see with unoccluded eye
your self smile in reflections
rippling in the stream. <lovely stanza

And in the passing of things
will you listen for
in your spring fed by melting snow <here you have qualifiers for the event of the "will you listen for" which is smushed in the middle. While I like both of the lines, it feels like too much.


Maybe if you cut one out?

And in the passing of things,
will you listen for a sigh
in the stirring of pine needles
and hear your forest ghost
aware
of no reason
alone


or

In your spring, fed by melting snow
will you listen for a sigh
in the stirring of pine needles
and hear your forest ghost
aware
of no reason
alone

You know I love your writing, dude, please take my suggestions with a grain of salt and a squeeze of lime.

[twelveoone]

okay 1201 I am gonna tear this poem apart, not because it isn't good, but because it is.


1. Why no periods? Some of these phrases run into each other on and one, and it is difficult to see where I am supposed to stop.

2. Verb tense. I think you could lose some of the 'ing's. I will show a few that I think could go.

3. Sometimes the prases are organized so that the topic and description are too far away to carry through, making it hard to read.



You know I love your writing, dude, please take my suggestions with a grain of salt and a squeeze of lime.

And, you know I love you, period.
Glad to see you tear(ing) it up, you may have indentified a quirk I have fallen into and a problem I have with this.

"aware" is a Japanese term also, some of the imagery is Japanese, i.e. "forest ghost" - "ing" is not a sound I have heard in Japanese (I do not hear much Japanese, I hear much Chinese) - I should take them out.

I am glad you brought it up.

[twelveoone]

contemplation of [those] breaking moments<what do you

[Did you see me]
(I)n the cold rain in the forest
did you see me
as a vague and ugly ghost(?)
(A) monsterous form assumed
reprehensible, half crawling
with a basketfull of souls
[traversing] (that traverse a) clouded downward slope(?)
(It)grasp[ing](s) for limbs, footholds
(and)slip(s)[ping] on strewn November leaves
to (the) occluded stream <this is a really long sentence! Can you think of a way to break it up a bit?

[/quote]
J- on other points
1)Breaking, the answer is yes to both, and a sound alike of braking
brake 6 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (brk)
n.
Variant of break.
v. Archaic
A past tense of break.
This is interesting
2) Long sentence is intentional, I wanted you out of breath, but if it is objectionable, it is defeating in its purpose. (lot of ings, here, also.)
3) punctuation - I really would like to avoid as much as possible, perhaps, spacings instead?

I have much work to do, thank you, once again.

[jkvanburen]

hey thanks for the break breakin' clarification

as far as punctuation, that is a good idea, I guess the best thing would be to get rid of as much as you can

happy weekend! I am off to PA,

~Jennifer