Oh why, when winds were silent there
Did I but yield to a prayer?
And how 'mongst fluctuating skies
Do glossy clouds still shimmer wild?
These silver-greens and indigos
Would curdle dusk's black-navy hue.
Such hemispheres of hats and grey
Mourn only remnants of the day;
Find solace not in auroras,
In frosts of high magnificence;
But cower cataracts to earth.
Funeral Borealis
-
TarkovskyMirror
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:19 pm
- Location: Northampton
- Contact:
Last edited by TarkovskyMirror on Fri Aug 26, 2005 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
Sean Kinsella
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 130
- Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:59 am
- Location: Chesterfield
- Contact:
TM
I love verse that has a tendency to rhyme, and the first 3 lines are outstanding:-
"Oh why, when winds were silent there
Did I but yield to a prayer?
and how 'mongst fluctuating skies (very Tennyson that)
do glossy clouds so shimmer wild ?."
that line needs sharpening slightly for me.
quality also is this:-
"such hemispheres of hats and grey
mourn only remnants of the day."
The end is slightly weak, but a good read overall.
BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA
I love verse that has a tendency to rhyme, and the first 3 lines are outstanding:-
"Oh why, when winds were silent there
Did I but yield to a prayer?
and how 'mongst fluctuating skies (very Tennyson that)
do glossy clouds so shimmer wild ?."
that line needs sharpening slightly for me.
quality also is this:-
"such hemispheres of hats and grey
mourn only remnants of the day."
The end is slightly weak, but a good read overall.
BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA
This is my favorite of yours, still don't understand why you put "'mongst" in the poem but for metrical reasons (Tennyson's dead), but hey, to each his own.
The flow to this is exceptional, and the sparse rhyming also good. I agree with Sean's crits, I'd only add that I find "magnificence" to be an ominous word in the final two lines...maybe find a subsititute that sheds a bit more light on what you're going at.
Great stuff!
- Caleb
The flow to this is exceptional, and the sparse rhyming also good. I agree with Sean's crits, I'd only add that I find "magnificence" to be an ominous word in the final two lines...maybe find a subsititute that sheds a bit more light on what you're going at.
Great stuff!
- Caleb