Wandering (revised)

[Callum C]

sayonara

[BenJohnson]

I will have to leave it to others to crit since I revelled in this without finding anything that looked, sounded or felt wrong.

I found morning cowering on an empty step,
I sat with her; she rose and left

I hate it when people write such perfect openings

Femello threw me. Is this a real word or word invented to describe what you saw? Sounds Italian or latinate.

[Callum C]

Hi Ben,

Thanks for that compliment, it nice to get some encouragement.

You're right: femello is just an invention. As far as I know, anyway.

[Oskar]

Callum

You are able to capture fragile moments with imaginative writing and an impressive turn of phrase - you've more than proved that with some of your earlier poems - but this one strikes me as being somewhat grandiloquent. That probably has something to do with my own predilections and others will, no doubt, be able to see virtues in this that I can't. You've got a decent set of images but I ended up feeling smothered by it all. It read like you were trying too hard.

Sorry.

[ray miller]

I agree with Ben about the first two lines. Lovely! But I struggled to get a handle on the remainder. We seem to move very swiftly from morning to midnight and though the language is fine enough in itself it doesn't all seem to hang together.

[Callum C]

It's supposed to be an account of a day spent, or wasted! It isn't actually midnight, but midnight is waiting in the wings.

[Raisin]

I loved the opening lines of this, like some of the others I feel that midnight is brought up too quickly. I know what you were trying to do, but just the word "midnight" conjures darker imagery, it would make a very good last line, if you switched those two lines around,

"shadows crouched behind long trees,
on the roads where midnight staged his ambush,

I like "tangerine air", and a lot of the imagary in this, "stretch out young muscles" is brilliant for the water movement. I don't think you need "pure" before velvet, just the reference to the fabric is nice.

Nice read, a couple of things to add or move around I think, I enjoyed reading.

Thanks,
Raisin

[Nigel]

For me this is a poem to be experienced rather than analysed. The language clearly comes from a wordsmith and perhaps becomes the raison d'etre of the poem in places which is no bad thing. I thought it was a fine piece of writing, economic of expression and each word successfully fights of all alternatives. From the first line I was immediately aware that this poet knows how to write. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read it.
(Incidentally I am new to this forum and rarely so complimentary)

[beautifulloser]

Hi Callum

Enjoyed this. The tangerine air thing is totally lost on me. Is it essential to have? Maybe it is, up to you. Also, is velvet sky not a little cliche, maybe? It feels like it is, like I've heard a million times before. But could be original and is just right, dunno.

I've read some of your other bits just now, so I'd go along with Nigel on this piece. But obviously, taste is taste and you can't please all of the people all of the time and people here will be honest about theirs which is what is needed. Guess the most important thing is that you do what makes you happy, then take it on the chin if it goes down like a sack of pap.

Enjoyed this, though!

big love

me
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[Callum C]

Thanks for your input everyone, I've posted a rewrite that hopefully takes into consideration your comments.

[R. Broath]

Great words Callum but the overall abstract nature of the piece allows for little more than admiration of the word associations. For instance, 'colours of youthful delusion' - what does it mean? Which colours? What youthful delusion?
Don't misunderstand. I admire the style but feel it may be more suited to,say, a dream sequence in which the reader expects abstractions and can, to a certain extent, ignore the insistent, but cloying, drip of images.

Maybe a few more concrete references to give it more body. But all that said it does have some lovely images -
I liked the slightly sinister notion of crouching shadows.

Jimmy

[BenJohnson]

I'm afraid I thinked the first version the most, to me it still feels just right.

colours of youthful delusion moved
above light stems of dry, blowing grass;

I took this to be the green hue of the grasses, also a play on the word green for an inexperienced youth.

The first version has a much lighter air and a degree of tension in it.

[David]

Nice work, Callum. Some tricky choices made and to be made.

I prefer flowering smoke.

All day misery wore me like a coat sounds too much like something you have lifted from another poem. Can't quite place it yet, but I will.

Not keen on inventions like femello. I mean, why?

I really like a hundred stone acres cared nothing for life.

The mood / tone / age of the narrator seems to change quite a lot - every sulphurous star ignored me seems wise and sage, whereas cold-looking like strange women sounds like a giggling teenager.

Have to stop there for the moment, but - despite what you might think - I like lots of what you've done here, but I'm not sure your revision is an improvement, and there's much here that's too good to waste.

My opinions carry my usual subjectivity disclaimer.

Cheers

David

[beautifulloser]

Callum, I don't frigging know any more. But, whatver you are getting at with "the tangerine air femello" is so beyond my means or equally a shade to the left of obvious that my energy has run dry and I don't give a shit anymore. At least explain, what the frig are you going on about?

The parts aforementiomed ring like a dodgy chord in a pop song. Someone, somewhere , in some sentence, would poke an opinion up your butt pipe to give some sort of level. A lansdcape gardener. Am I the only one who sees potential in this which is drastiacally unlocked? Fuck knows. I think the bulk of it is good and admirable, but it needs work. It needs you thinking about every stress, sylable and whatever meter, rhyme abnd rhytnm that naturally comes to you

You obviously have a flair for language, so dribble that pesto, bake tin in the oven for while then let the masses sample it when you think it has been cooked like an ediblle bitch.

Big love, creamy tomoto soup and whatever other Greek food-stuff remedies keep hunger at bay

big love, thankyou and goodnight

me
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