The Crime

[BenJohnson]

We knew him as Ernie
sometimes as Ern,
presumed it short for Ernest
but never asked.

We knew he liked
separating his bourbons,
dunking each half
in his insipid tea-less tea.

We knew he would glower
when we greeted him
with cheery cries of 'Tea Ern',
but never make a complaint.

We knew his coat
was way past burning;
that the layers of grease
would have given a good flame.

We knew he would arrive
at ten thirty precisely,
carrier bag scruched in hand;
contents never revealed.

We knew one last detail:
that at ten thirty
midway through February,

'Move along, nothing left to see'

[camus]

MMMMmmmm,

Not sure what the "crime" was, and unfortunately, not sure I really care!

Don't get me wrong I liked some of the descriptions, especially:

"We knew his coat
was way past burning;
that the layers of grease
would have given a good flame."

It seemed though, the point of the poem (to evoke an emotional response to the character of Ernie, alas Benny Hill scuttles around my mind) is lost to the flat ending?

Just thoughts, i don't know what the fuck I'm on about to be honest...

cheers
Kris

[Sharra]

I liked the image of Ern this created – especially the biscuit dunking bit and his greasy coat. I could really see him.

I too felt that the ending let it down, it felt like it needed something pretty grim to happen to him. I wonder if you could use the coat stanza as foreshadowing what happened to him? Link in with fire somehow?

I’m not sure whether the carrier bag is important or not, if it’s tied into the crime then I think that needs to be shown somehow in the last stanza as ‘Contents never revealed’ feels like its leading somewhere.

I’m also wondering what would happen if you changed it to ‘I’ rather than ‘we’? And maybe have the narrator the one committing the crime? I think this has the potential to be one of those poems/stories that unsettles without the reader being sure why until the sting in the tail.

For example ‘I knew he would arrive /at ten thirty precisely’ could be quite foreboding.

And ‘tea-Ern’? *groan*

Sharra
x

[R. Broath]

I'm assuming the crime is both the literal death of Ern and the societal one of allowing his life to be contained in a carrier bag.
I like the list of 'we knews' which open each stanza; it gives an impression of caring but is really, I suspect, just the voyeuristic fascination such wrecks hold - like peeping through the fingers at Holocaust images.
One suggestion is to let the vagrant remain nameless. It would, imo, emphasise his demise and the in-and-out nature of his impingement on the narrative.

Jimmy

[Sharra]

I think Jimmy has a good idea about him remaining nameless as I did really care what happened to him, maybe not having a name would help that.
But then again, I think he's such a great char, decisions decisions, glad they're not mine to make
Sharra
x

[Ros]

Tea Ern, indeed! Actually reminded me of Eric and Ernie, which is not very helpful either I thought it was a good characterization. I think like others though that the ending is not quite there - I think perhaps it goes a bit abstract after all the detail - maybe you need to spell the event out more fully. And perhaps tell us something about what was in the bag? (just being nosy now )

[David]

I agree about the ending, Ben. That's just too much a pat phrase, I think. You need something to scintillate, not fizzle out.

I like the rest of it, although the first verse about his name is a bit laboured.

Cheers

David

[Lovely]

Not sure what it meant. What be a crime, good or evil? Are we all destined to view crimes through pidgeon holes? Men make laws like seasons come and go and some change laws because they are filled with gilt, others because they are currupt. It's a tall subject with more doubt than blessing.
Like evolution we change as we grow wiser if we couldn't there would be no crime or good. I think subjects on these nouns need to search truly subjectively
if we are to open into higher truth. Certainly something there though, a dawning perhaps to a greater major. Thanks friend for making me look at it
even if in another pidgeon hole. The very word crime smacks a debate with me when I think of crimes certain goverments commit against others
and their own.......need I say more.

Lovely