grinning, skeleton, sinew
fingernails, yellow teeth enamel
no spirit, no feelings
no guilt
free to sleep at night
wake up but want to dream
mourning light glare
pale white skin shimmering bloodless
no shaking just a routine
work rest play, eat flesh
so i wake up, soul intact
and it was all just a dream
just before the alarm goes off
forty-five minutes then i'll leave
wait for tomorrow
safe in recurrence
Routine
-
spencer_broughton
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2004 11:16 pm
- Location: Where I end and you begin.
- Contact:
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spencer_broughton
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2004 11:16 pm
- Location: Where I end and you begin.
- Contact:
i'm going off this one a bit now...
let me know what you think
thankyou
let me know what you think
thankyou
-
camus
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5406
- Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Grimbia
- Contact:
Spence,
Now do not think I'm having a go re cliches, but:
"and it was all just a dream"
Dallas madness. Perhaps this could be worded differently, or disreguard the it was a dream theme altogether.
That aside I like some of your imagery, excellent final lines, "Safe in recurrence"
Here's one I wrote on a similar theme, check out the final line..........we're on the same wave length.
12am
bewitched
by the hour
you turn inward
homeward
lost shoe
limp home
ashtray clothes
cinderella blues.
streets like the
shining
tunnelled vision
axe round the corner?
Johnny’s home.
3am
awake on doorstep
check pulse and head
both there,
so cold and quiet
afraid to break the night.
4am
master chef
corned beef and kidney beans
all that’s left,
starving slope to bed.
7am
dream mistakes
alarm clock
for front door bell
turn both off
pull up the quilt
wait for tomorrow.
Now do not think I'm having a go re cliches, but:
"and it was all just a dream"
Dallas madness. Perhaps this could be worded differently, or disreguard the it was a dream theme altogether.
That aside I like some of your imagery, excellent final lines, "Safe in recurrence"
Here's one I wrote on a similar theme, check out the final line..........we're on the same wave length.
12am
bewitched
by the hour
you turn inward
homeward
lost shoe
limp home
ashtray clothes
cinderella blues.
streets like the
shining
tunnelled vision
axe round the corner?
Johnny’s home.
3am
awake on doorstep
check pulse and head
both there,
so cold and quiet
afraid to break the night.
4am
master chef
corned beef and kidney beans
all that’s left,
starving slope to bed.
7am
dream mistakes
alarm clock
for front door bell
turn both off
pull up the quilt
wait for tomorrow.
-
Bombadil
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2672
- Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 6:38 pm
- Location: The hills are my home, the mountains where I roam.
- Contact:
Spence,
I like the imagery, and I glean almost a zombie feel from this one. Very macabre and vivid. I think, perhaps, to go with the skeletal/bony theme it would enhance your poem, visually, if the lines were more broken up and unevenly staggered. Sort of a William Carlos Williams "The Red Wheelbarrow" thing, where the lines take the shape of little wheelbarrows...I'll quote it and hopefully the copyright kings won't come to seize me.
The Red Wheelbarrow, William Carlos Williams
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
Oh and Camus...love your Cinderella blues.
--A.S.
I like the imagery, and I glean almost a zombie feel from this one. Very macabre and vivid. I think, perhaps, to go with the skeletal/bony theme it would enhance your poem, visually, if the lines were more broken up and unevenly staggered. Sort of a William Carlos Williams "The Red Wheelbarrow" thing, where the lines take the shape of little wheelbarrows...I'll quote it and hopefully the copyright kings won't come to seize me.
The Red Wheelbarrow, William Carlos Williams
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
Oh and Camus...love your Cinderella blues.
--A.S.