The road south

[David]

REVISION

The outskirts of town.
The sense of casting off.
The absorption in the great arterial flow.
The unbelievable closeness of lorries.
The intoxication of speed.
The beer-blonde plains.
The dwindling of Gothic.
The slackening cold.
The gradual disappearance of potatoes.

..... Le midi.

The insinuations of sunflowers.
The purple adumbration of mountains.
The buzzard-shadowed pass.
The heroic feats of civil-engineering.
The chicane and the vistas.
The brilliant white houses.
The shock of bougainvillea.
The fabled shores of the Mediterranean.
The dreams in which the road repeats, repeats.

ORIGINAL

The outskirts of town.
The sense of casting off.
The absorption in the great arterial flow.
The unbelievable closeness of lorries.
The intoxication of speed.
The beer-blonde plains.
The dwindling of Gothic.
The slackening cold.
The gradual disappearance of potatoes.
The blandishments of sunflowers.
The numinous hints of mountains.
The buzzard-shadowed pass.
The heroic feats of civil-engineering.
The vistas.
The first tinkling inkling of guitars.
The southern stars.
The fabled shores of the Mediterranean.
The dreams in which the road repeats, repeats.

[BenJohnson]

I really couldn't make my mind up on this one. At first sight all I saw was the list of 'the', while reading they didn't seem as obvious as I expected and even seemed to give a kind of beat to the opening of each line, rythmically almost like the repeated thud of the expansion joints in a concrete road. The last line obviously picks up the idea that the repetition is deliberate.

Two lines that got me were

The beer-blonde plains.

This feels like a tongue twister that introduces (for me) an unwelcome break in the journey.

The first tinkling inkling of guitars.

Although a nice sound combination, I feel that bells tinkle not guitars.

Read it again, I do like it with the exception of above nits

[Raisin]

Nice one David

I like the repetition of "the", it emphasises the detail in the rest of each line very well. I thought instead of "the sense of casting off" you could just have "the casting off", it seems as though the persona is leaving a place so I think it's less of a sense of something and more of doing something.

I thought also maybe the ending should be broken off? So if you leave out the "the" in the last line, or put an "and" in front of it, you've mislead the reader in to a false sense of security by making them feel that they can predict the ending. Also it would contrast with the "repeat, repeat" thing seeing as you have stopped repeating, is that juxtaposition?

I don't know, it works like you have it but I thought maybe you could try a different ending and then decide what one you like best

Thanks,
Raisin

[Wabznasm]

Who've you been reading David? This is quite an experimental departure for you (and I love it). The sentiment is yours, however, and its just as good as the content-suiting-form.

If I was to point out any dud lines, I would suggest that L3 is a bit much so early on. But I particularly like how you balance seriousness with bathos (the dwindling of potatoes - ha!).

If I would ask for anything I'd probably ask for more word play; more music.

That said I do love 'The dwindling of Gothic'

Reminds me of one of my favourite oddities in Joyce: 'endlessnessnessness'.

Very good
Dave

[David]

Ben, you're right, the "The"s are a fundamental part of the structure. That doesn't mean they're a good idea, but this is the way I decided to it this time.

Raisin, interesting thought about the ending. I'll have a think about that.

Dave, I've been reading Auden lately, but I'm not sure whether he's seeped into this or not. It is an experimental departure, though. It's really a self-conscious attempt not to sound too much like I usually do, in the hope that eventually I might not sound quite so much like me all the time.

Does that make sense?

Yes, more word-play. Actually, the great thing about something like this is that it's almost infinitely alterable. There is a grand trajectory of sorts - north to south, of course - but as long as I stay within that I can remove and insert phrases almost willy-nilly. And as I find over time that some last less well than others, I can replace them. And I'm sure I will.

Cheers all

David

[Ros]

Sorry, but this doesn't do a great deal for me I like some of the ideas - potatoes and sunflowers - but the format feels rather flat. Good last line, though.

[oranggunung]

David

I like the structure and the deliberate attempt at a novel approach. I’m afraid the playful couplet sounded a bum note for me.


The first tinkling inkling of guitars.
The southern stars.

I’m sure this couplet belongs in a poem, but I don’t think it’s this one.

As you mentioned, the style has infinite possibilities. There does seem to be a flow to the isolated images (isolated sentences, at least) that mirrors the idea of travel. Keeping that flow can make the reading very compelling. In this sense too, the comedic couplet feels out of place.

Always interesting to read unfamiliar forms from the familiar forum.


thumbs up

og

[R. Broath]

I wasn't so sure about this on first read David, but I found on reading it aloud that it actually induces a sort of mesmeric expectation and the 'thes' seemed to be a necessity. The only line which tripped me up a little was

'the numinous hints of mountains'

I felt that 'hint' would lessen the insistent sibilance (see what I did there?) and reinforce the 't' of mountains.
I enjoyed this.

Jimmy

[Lake]

Hi David,

It's a very interesting experiment. Like others, at first I was not quite sure about all the 'Thes' at the beginning, they look so neat, just like a "flush left" margin. As I read along, I see a rural scenery in your all noun phrases. This reminds me of an assignment by a teacher to his students, who are asked to write a poem using only the names of cities and towns, counties and rivers that they find on the map. No other parts of speech are allowed, including articles and prepositions. Nothing but the proper nouns on that map. Your experiment shows phrases alone without a complete sentence can be made a poem. Thanks for the eye opener.

Lake

[David]

Thanks for the pointers, folks. I might have a fiddle with this, incorporating what's been said.

Cheers

David

[oranggunung]

David

There’s much to like about the new arrangement, but “adumbration” looks rather like a goad-bearing word than anything else. You are a one.


..... Le midi.

An interesting device to split the journey in two. I wonder if, after the elongated ellipsis, it should be a lower case “le” instead of an upper case one?

There’s nothing like a little nitting to help the long winter nights pass


og

[David]

David

There’s much to like about the new arrangement, but “adumbration” looks rather like a goad-bearing word than anything else. You are a one.

Oh goad.

[Raisin]

You put French in it David!

[David]

You put French in it David!

Mais bien sûr, ma chérie! Et c'est un calembour! (Had to look that one up, I must admit.)

[Raisin]

Quelle est un calembour monsieur? Je ne sais pas

[David]

Quelle est un calembour monsieur? Je ne sais pas

You must look it up, grapelet, like I did (albeit the other way).

But ... what is zis I see? You use a feminine Quelle avec un masculine noun? Ah, zut alors!

[Raisin]

Mon dieu! How is zis possible? Et moi, an A level student!