Cracked

[R. Broath]

Embedded in a crumbling boulder
or sniffed as air released from some
mouldy cellar; that's how he
wished to arrive in the conscious
thoughts of those who thought
they knew him. He regarded them
as the invaders while imaging himself
as ripped open; a fingerprint, a sign.
fully formed, normal,
from day one.

So it was he never met a stranger
for he felt he'd always known
everyone; saw words as they formed
on lips, saw words as they lay curled
in brain. Smiled before he spoke,
provoking those who could never know him
to say he was a strange boy.

How could they tell? Had they cracked too
from boulders or the whiff of dank dungeons?
And he went on knowing, never knowing
how he knew.

[ray miller]

A bit too opaque for my liking, Jimmy. I think I understand the 2nd verse, get the impression that you're speaking of an idiot savant type of fellow. I don't catch how this relates to the opening stanza at all. Hopefully, others do.

[R. Broath]

Others, Ray? I think my stuff is about as popular as Margaret Thatcher at a miner's rally.
Anyway this was written about outsiders, or those whose perceptions are a tiny bit skewed and whose reality is different from most folks. One that I knew had few social skills but touchingly tried to make new friends and was constantly amazed that these 'friendships' were fleeting - although he claimed to know why but would never elaborate on the mystery.
Opaque? Whaddya mean?

Thanks for replying to this. Appreciate the effort.

Jimmy

[David]

Others, Ray? I think my stuff is about as popular as Margaret Thatcher at a miner's rally.

Now you know that's not true, James. It just takes some of us a while to get round to things. And as I type a queue is forming beside the computer, so I have to come off now anyway. Homework and brownie meeting agendas call.

I'll be back. Hasta la vista, baby.

Cheers

David

[BenJohnson]

Others, Ray? I think my stuff is about as popular as Margaret Thatcher at a miner's rally.

Damn I wish I had been old enough to go and see Maggie at the miner's rallies now . I always enjoy reading what you write. This one though did throw me terribly. The boulder image and moldy air don't seem to convey much to me, why would he want to appear like this? After that it gets clearer, he is normal, they are not, then back to the boulders and I'm lost again.

I'm sure something needs changing to bring the point out more clearly, but I don't know what which is no help. I just don't feel the images say the right things for me.

[Ros]

We're taking our time cos this one needs mulling over .

I like it very much, but I'm wondering... the first verse says the boy feels ripped open, implying that strangers can see, read him easily - whereas the second verse, that the boy is the one who can see into others easily. Am I mis-reading this? Great images of boulder and smell of dungeons.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Jimmy,
I swear I know the guy you are talking about!
I don't know if you need two descriptive openings. I thought that the air released from a moldy cellar was really descriptive and far more compelling than the boulder. Which means that if you went with the dungeon you would have to change the title. The dungeon is a perfect setting for his mind/attitude. A dungeon never sees the sun so it can only imagine its darkness as being the norm. Fresh air versus moldy air, light versus floating spores in the dark. Conceptually the poem is very intriguing.
I think that there might be too many pronouns of 'he', 'his', etc in the poem--it makes it read like prose rather than poetry. But I could be wrong--take it for what its worth.
I look forward to reading more of your work.

Cheers,
Kim

[Sharra]

I enjoyed reading this despite it taking a few reads to understand it.
I think my favourite bit was
He regarded them
as the invaders while imaging himself
as ripped open; a fingerprint, a sign.
fully formed, normal,
from day one.

I think Kim is right about stripping it back to one of the images in the opening stanza, I found them a bit conflicting.
I also wonder about the title, I know it fits with the cracked boulders, but it also brings with it the image of someone being 'cracked' in the village idiot sense for me - which doesn't seem to be what you're writing about.
Sharra
x

[thoke]

I think the line breaks need fixing. Something like this:

Embedded in a crumbling boulder
or sniffed as air released from some mouldy cellar;
that's how he wished to arrive
in the conscious thoughts
of those who thought they knew him.
He regarded them as the invaders
while imaging himself as ripped open;
a fingerprint, a sign,
fully formed, normal from day one.

So it was he never met a stranger
for he felt he'd always known everyone;
saw words as they formed on lips,
saw words as they lay curled in brain.
Smiled before he spoke,
provoking those who could never know him
to say he was a strange boy.

How could they tell? Had they cracked too
from boulders or the whiff of dank dungeons?
And he went on knowing, never knowing
how he knew.

I agree with some of the other comments: this is enjoyable but opaque. 'Opaque' means that the poem's message is lost in translation. Poems mediate between the writer's thoughts and the reader's understanding or empathy, and unfortunately this poem doesn't do a fantastic job of that. We don't know what you're saying.

Ben

[OwenEdwards]

For what it's worth, I got the idea, and felt a lot of sympathy...I don't think this SPARKLED, linguistically, like some of your others I've read here, but I liked the second verse, and the third verse barring the last two lines (which I didn't mind but weren't quite THERE - a little limp, perhaps).

[oranggunung]

Jimmy

I can’t find a proper focus here. The title suggests a broken mind or body, but the poem relates to someone with poor social skills. Is that consistent?

The image of the boulder seems to link back to the title, but that link is abandoned as we’re immediately taken to a cellar.


as ripped open;

This seems a peculiar phrase. Perhaps an attempt to pick up on the ‘cracked’ theme? Yet it is used to suggest that the person is whole, rather than injured.

I may be too rigid in my reading here, but I felt misled by some of the words. I couldn’t follow the strands, so was unable to contemplate the whole.


og