Evening (revised)

[Callum C]

see ya

[Ros]

Some nice images, Callum. A few suggestions:

So I wander, my head free of thoughts, - I think this would work better attached to the next verse...

Through the waning town. Pale, glowing lamps - no initial capital needed on through
seem to float untethered, like balloons
though all are firmly grounded. ...cos I don't really think you need this line - we assume streetlights are grounded.

I count fence posts down the avenues,
happy and alone! Past young women
whose green beauty is a shade of loss - green because of the streetlights?

To a waiting kiss of air and light; - no capital on to. Shade of loss to a kiss? I need to think about that one!
the nettle-dark school of a river - don't tend to think of nettles as dark, but I like the image
where, slowly, ripples mouth the answer. - what was the question?

Just a few ideas for tightening it up a bit, take or leave, obviously.

[David]

Good pointers from Ros, Callum, but a good poem already, and

the nettle-dark school of a river
where, slowly, ripples mouth the answer

- I love that.

Cheers

David

[k-j]

I think the first and fourth lines are unnecessary. You could have S1 as :

Pale, glowing lamps seem to float,
untethered, like balloons,
through the waning town.

"Happy and alone" I think works well, seeming to refer to both the fenceposts and yourself, and the exclamation mark adds a sparkle of joy. I like the "green beauty", too, which is Dylan Thomassy in its oddness and ambiguity.

And the last two lines are gorgeous. So really just S1 to tweak. Great little poem.

[Ros]

Oh, yes, I rather liked it. Didn't I say that?

[Sharra]

I think this is lovely, and just needs a little tightening. I agree with the comments Ros made and would just add that I don't think you need the first line. You are almost telling us what the poem is about there, and you are going to be showing that.

Sharra
xx

[OwenEdwards]

I think the first line can go, as can "through the". I really think the idea of starting, in an abrupt manner, at "The waning town." could be good.

And yeah, l4 of s1 is repetitious.

[Elphin]

An atmospheric piece Callum.

Loved the last stanza in particular. I wonder if you could do without the first line - the wandering without thoughts is implied in what follows.

Good stuff

elph

[Callum C]

Thanks guys for all the comments.

You can talk about capitalisation in poetry, it's really a matter for taste. Some argue that each line should begin with a capital. I am familiar with the rules of english but they do not always apply in poetry, there's something called 'artistic license' which can come into play sometimes.

What can I say, there may come a time when streetlamps aren't buried in the ground and really do float like balloons. I'm writing for the ages!

I'm going past the young women to the river, their green refers to youth; inexperience.

Ripples mouth the answer, but to what question! Relentlessly literal there, Ros. Come on, should you really need to ask? It's rhetorical, spiritual, whatever. It existed in me at the time, play the game!

[BenJohnson]

As before with one of your pieces I feel unable to critique I enjoy your use of language too much. The street lights reminded me of a very misty night once. For some reason although it was a thick mist, it stopped at the height of the street lamps, from the incline of a hill, you could look down and see the lights floating on top of the mist, a very strange effect and not one I have seen since.

I agree with the green, the same meaning that Dylan Thomas often used it for.

Ripples mouth the answer was the only thing that threw me slightly with the word ordering, but it seems to work.

[OwenEdwards]

Or...Callum...there may come a time when there are NO streetlamps! :O

[Basnik]

Just to say that I always think of nettles as dark (especially wet!) so very much like the image in the penultimate line. I think the way it contrasts with the air and light of the previous line is delicately realised. If you had 'their' instead of 'the' in the last line you would create the feeling that there are various answer to the question you are reticent to share with Ros.

Basnik

[oranggunung]

Callum

I really liked the use of language in this piece.
The simple title acts as a neat contrast to the elegance of the words.

Is it important to state the lamps are grounded? Is that a reference to the narrator? If they “seem to float”, then surely we may conclude that they aren’t really floating. The show, rather than tell, option.

I think you shoot yourself in the foot by setting the scene with the first line. If your head were free of thoughts, you wouldn’t have any questions. So, by that token, one is surely justified in asking what the ‘answers’, mentioned at the end, are all about.


happy and alone! Past young women
whose green beauty is a shade of loss

An interesting juxtaposition of happiness and loss, yet it seems almost gratuitous. Why the exclamation mark? This seems to disrupt the flow of the journey. The capital letters are stylistic, and I respect your decision to use them, yet “To” at the beginning of the last verse interrupted my train of thought as if it were punctuation.

Beautiful images, but not quite a satisfactory whole, imho.


og

[Callum C]

Hii guys, thanks for the comments,

thoughtful critique og, much appreciated. The original idea was that the lamps could be thought of literally or taken to represent the faces of people on the streets; wrapped in black coats and seeming pale against the sky. It doesn't seem to have worked, though.

Happy and alone has an exclamation because the two feelings are often seen as separate, and are crucially together here.

I've posted a rework with your comments in mind.