Shell

[Ros]

She scrubs at it, but like crayon
on a chalkboard, the past
cannot be rubbed away.
It fades, the blueness of a far off horizon,
or the grey of a cloth washed too often
in old thoughts. The present
refuses to stay still, is barely there -
some mornings she reaches for a shirt
and the day is gone. The future
is making its own way, her genes
hitched to someone else’s DNA,
her emptied husk tossed aside.
Hold it to your ear - you can hear
the reverberations.

[PhilipCFJohnson]

This sounds like regret for having children or sadness of living vicariously through them .

Theres some really nice domestic images here, with that in mind I'm thinking regret for having kids too soon and not having a career earlier perhaps?

That's what I picked up on anyway, I'm very likely wrong.

I was just wondering how you felt about the phonics of "Will not" as opposed to "cannot"? It depends on how strong the implications of "cannot" are intended to be but I think "Will not" has a lyrical quality that fits with tone of the piece. But "will not" could be very inappropriate to your meaning, which should come foremost. Just wondering what you thought about it?

A good read and quite saddening!

All the best
Phil

[ray miller]

Nicely wistful and melancholic. I imagined this was about an elderly person possibly abandoned by children. Maybe you could lose"in old thoughts" after often. "is barely there "is also a little superfluous.

[David]

Good one, Ros. I did think the opening simile was a bit laboured, but it goes really well from there on. The idea that some mornings she reaches for a shirt / and the day is gone is great.

Is a husk a shell, though? Same sort of thing, I know, but ...

Wonderful finish. We used to be told it was the sea.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Good Ros

I thought this was the best line

the grey of a cloth washed too often/in old thoughts

In fact picking up on Davids point on the first simile could you drop the others and stick to this onr, the most powerful e.g.

She scrubs at it, but it cannot be rubbed away
it fades, to the grey
of a cloth washed too often
in old thoughts.

Not too sure about my line breaks - but it does bring out the ay sounds too if you condense to something like this.

I think this might be a little too much telly

The future
is making its own way, her genes
hitched to someone else’s DNA,
her emptied husk tossed aside

but the ending is greata and packed full of emotion.

A little polish needed IMO but a very good place to start from.

elph

[oranggunung]

Ros

This reminds me of something I tried to do a little while ago.

Is it about a rape victim?

Scrubbing away the past and being a discarded husk are supporting evidence.

The DNA and the reverberations suggest a pregnancy.

One reading of many, I'm sure.

The structure (past/present/future) suggests separation of the text. That's probably a personal, stylistic option. I wonder if it might be more powerful in discrete sections.

If my interpretation is correct, then this bit:


The future
is making its own way,

strikes me as rather clever.


It fades, the blueness of a far off horizon,
or the grey of a cloth washed too often

I think there are too many images here. Is blueness depression? That doesn't sit comfortably with the grey idea, imho. There's no reason you shouldn't use both images, but perhaps not in the same sentence.


I'm intrigued to know the intention of the poem now. Do tell.


og

[Ros]

Thanks all, your attention to this is greatly appreciated. It doesn't feel finished to me, so all your comments will be most useful.

The general idea is of someone who feels she has dedicated her life to her family, and things have passed her by. Og, I'm intrigued that you sensed rape victim here - I didn't think there was enough information to read that in, and I hadn't intended it, but I did want to leave it open to some interpretation.

Phil, I went for cannot because of the alliteration.

David, I have a guilty feeling that I may have nicked that idea (some mornings she reaches for a shirt / and the day is gone) from someone else. How much of an idea can you steal before it becomes plagiarism, do you think?

[beautifulloser]

Hi Ros

Nothing to add further, but really enjoying your writing and hope maybe if you leave this for a while and revisit it you'll get it polished to your satisfaction.

cheers

xxx

[oranggunung]

Ros

I’m afraid I didn’t get a strong, consistent message from this, so I started to dig a little deeper. By considering the implications of certain words and images, I thought I could bend the meaning to an exotic story.

The use of genes and DNA spoke to me of current development, rather than children that had grown and left. The reverberations I interpreted as the kicking of the unborn child.

It’s tenuous, I agree, but because I found so many images to support my unusual train of thought, I managed to convince myself.

I just can’t seem to read poems as they were intended. That doesn’t stop me enjoying them; sometimes it makes for flights of fantasy.


og

[Callum C]

I'm not sure what's on the shell that can't be rubbed away, what is this mysterious 'it'!? I think pen might work better than crayon rhythmically, just the "-on on" I'm not too sure about. In line four, starting the sentence with "it" doesn't work very well, you could either continue the sentence after "away" or give some indication of what 'it' is. How can you wash a cloth in thought? From "the present" down to "way" I think is really good, I'm not sure I understand the DNA stuff, something to do with pregnancy? Emptied husk? If that is the case, wouldn't it be more accurate to say "someone else's genes hitched to her DNA"? So you hear reverberations in the shell, what does this imply? I don't think I get the poem as a whole though there are some bits I like.

[Ros]

beau, og, callum, thanks for the thoughts. I think this too obscure at present, and isn't really working. I'll put some thought into it. Thanks for the read.